I had about 3 different things I was thinking of writing about today, but spending some quiet time with my little Scooter this morning has made me shift gears. I love 4! Don't get me wrong, there are definitely things about the age that are annoying and frustrating. But for the most part, 4 is awesome. Your child is so much more independent every day, finally getting to the point that they can do more, like not only dress themselves, but choose their clothes, get socks and shoes on themselves, remember to put dirty stuff in the hamper and help put clean clothes away. They can go to the bathroom by themselves, get snacks for themselves, start a movie on their own and explain in detail why they are hurting and where as well as what the pain feels like. There is less mind reading and more listening with a 4 year old.
And 4 year olds are really cool because they are starting to really try and figure out the world around them. With Riley about to turn 3, I get the priveledge of seeing very clearly the difference between where Scooter just was to where he is now - all the time. Riley learns more and sees more every day, but Scooter's world is expanding and it's so fun to listen to him and talk to him and watch him figure it all out. He wakes up almost every morning with some specific agenda known only to him and ready to see it through. He has a remarkable memory and imagination and hearing him reason things through and try to understand the intricacies of his little universe can be exhausting, but certainly entertaining.
I figured out a while ago on my parenting path that sometimes what a child asks you is more important than what they tell you. How they ask a question and what the question is can be very telling when trying to figure out what's going on with your kid. So one of the biggest guns in my mommy arsenal is 'What made you think of that? or Why do you need to know that today?' Their answers to those questions can give me huge clues to what they are feeling and thinking and can also help me determine the level of detail they are looking for or needing on particularly complicated questions like 'How does God make babies?' or 'Why is Papa in Heaven?'
And 4 year olds will ask you just shy of a million questions a day. Most of which start with 'Why . . .' Why is the sky blue? Why do you not like mustard? Why can't I sit in the front seat? Why does Tyler have to go to big school everyday? Why does everything cost money? Why did you forget to buy cherry fruit bars? Why does the kitty run away from the dog? Why does Grandpa have a beard? Why does Uncle Matthew not have a car? Why does Aunt Asheley live in Las Vegas? Why did Aunt Doo move? Why do squirrels eat all our pecans? Why do Tigers have stripes? Why do toads like the dark? Why, why, why?
I answer why questions all day long and if you have ever done this before, you know how cute it is, but also how exhausting it can be. And when you finally give up and say 'I don't know' they ask 'Why don't you know?' Because mommy doesn't know everything. 'Why don't you know everything?' See what I mean? When people joke about the neverending why they aren't kidding. It really doesn't stop.
And it doesn't stop. As the kids get older the frequency of the 'why' decreases, but the intensity of their 'whys' increase. Tyler's 'why' questions are getting a lot harder to answer. 'Why did our friend Rick die?', 'Why is my cousin Veronica sick?' 'Why are you and Daddy married to different people?', 'Why can't I be a Barrow too?', 'Why can't I watch that movie/tv show?', 'Why can't I look at that website?', 'Why can't I spend the night at my friends on a school night?'. Questions that aren't always easy to answer, but they keep coming.
And this week, all 3 of my munchkins had the same 'why' for me. 'Why are you crying?' I'm crying because I'm sad and this week sucks. I'm crying because stuff is going wrong and crazy and hard and sometimes I don't get it either. We've had lots of crappy stuff happen this week and even though I can explain some of it to Tyler, the younger ones are just too young to get it all. And the truth is, I am screaming at Heaven myself this week 'WHY?' Because our 'why' never ever ends, no matter how old we get. There are just things that don't make sense and we won't ever get an answer to. And when I am struggling with my own unanswered questions, it's harder for me to answer Scooter when he asks me why black ants only want to eat your food but red ants want to bite you. It's impossible for me to explain to Tyler why God lets bad things happen to good people.
So I look at Scooter and tell him 'That's just the way God made the ants, honey.' I sit Tyler down and hug him through his tears and tell him that even though we don't always understand it, we have to remember that God has a plan for everything and even though it seems like he's letting us hurt way too much at times, we will someday understand why He let us suffer for a bit - that there is a greater victory we can't see today. And the whole time, I am praying 'Why?' in my own heart because I don't get it either. I still ache and mourn the losses in my life too. I just hope that someday God shows me the bigger picture and grants me the priveledge of seeing WHY.
I am so grateful for my children. I am so thankful that I have the opportunity to see the world through their eyes. I wish I had better answers for them some days, but I think God gave me these boys so that I can continue to find answers for myself as well. How humbling it is, being responsible for teaching my children about everything from why bubbles float to how loving and giving their God and Creator is. I am not sure why God entrusted their little souls to me, but I am hopeful that someday He will show me WHY.
God Bless
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