Do you ever catch sight of yourself in the mirror and wonder - what happened? What happened to my nice trim, perky little body I used to have (and didn't have to work for)? What happened to my face - where did that wrinkle come from? Where did those 3 new gray hairs come from? And then the three little monsters you gave birth to come racing through the room fighting over ONE toy and you remember. Oh yeah - that's what happened.
I was reading an old friend's blog this week who was having some behavior problems with her pre-teen and thanks to some divine intervention, she had the idea to sit down and tell that son some of the sacrifices she had made for him because she loves him (thanks JHL - great read!) and it got me to thinking about what we sacrifice to be parents, most especially to be moms.
Our Bodies - Since the moment my first was conceived, my body has not really been just mine anymore. It has been a warm, cozy home to 3 children. And those pregnancies brought a myriad of aches, pains, headaches, sickness, stretching, kicks and overall hurt to my body. The labors and births were all painful on a scale I never thought I would ever endure - and I did it twice without pain medications at all. Nursing is not always comfortable and can be super painful at times. My children have used my body as a pillow, a sanctuary, a punching/kicking bag, a pacifier, a security item, a personal traveling device, a surface to puke on, a place to fall asleep and stay asleep, a climbing jungle gym and countless other things over the years. It's a beating. My back and neck are shot from carrying heavy infant carriers around and heavy babies and spending months crouched over nursing babies. There are parts of my body that used to stand up on their own but now are sagging and misshapen. My fingernails were never the greatest, but they don't stand a chance against countless car seat buckles and knots in shoelaces. My knees creak now from endless hours of bouncing and walking cranky babies to sleep. My nose has been slammed by hard little heads so roughly that I thought it might be broken more times than I can count. My arms have some serious muscles from carrying kids - at times two at once - around for long periods of time. My hips have spread to a point that I will never look super skinny again. My belly may never see a firm six pack in this lifetime. Even my belly button has changed shape over the years and looks weird to me. And I have friends who have gone through hormone treatments, in-vitro and c-sections to have their kids - I can't even imagine. For every ache and pain and change in my body, there are those of you out there who have been through much worse and I applaud you. Parenting is not for the weak.
Sleep - I know that I used to sleep hard and long with no problem at all, but I can't really remember what that's like. Sleeping in pregnancy is difficult, especially towards the end. Sleeping with a newborn in the house is a pipe dream. Over the years I have gotten to be such a light sleeper that the smallest sound in the house wakes me at a moments notice. Between nursing and sick babies, I have been woken up so many times in the night that I barely recognize a solid night's sleep when it happens anymore. I envy my husband the ability to sleep through the little sounds and only wake up for the big cries and serious issues. I am so jealous of the fact that a kid can crawl into bed with us during the night and he won't even know they are there until morning. They don't come and stand at his side of the bed and just stare until you 'feel' them there and wake up knowing something is off. They don't climb over him to find a good spot or use his arm in some strange position as a pillow for hours at a time, killing all circulation. They don't wander over to his side very often, just push closer and closer to me so that I am practically falling off of the bed. I also wish I had his ability to fall BACK to sleep after a nighttime or early morning upheaval. After all, they do sometimes wake him before me and they do sometimes decide that sleeping sideways between us, shoving a head into one of our ribcages while their feet pummel the other one's stomach is a good idea. But Scotty can just fall right back to sleep and then sleep late. Once I'm awake, I'm awake. Especially if it's after 4 in the morning. I almost always am the one to get up with the early risers in our house because once I hear them moving around I am awake and won't fall back to sleep anyway. And since he is our provider and gets up every morning to work for our sakes, I try and let him sleep in a little bit. But after I've been up on my own with the munchkins for 2-3 hours, my patience and good Christian attitude about his sleep falter and I start nagging him to get up and help. And heaven forbid he fall back asleep on the couch (how can he do that?), I will have a total fit. He doesn't sleep as much as he used to anymore either, I know. Anyway, I don't know if my sleep patterns will ever recover since teenage years are looming with Tyler and I know that like my mom, I will be listening for his safe return home before I really sleep solid during the night. The good news is, my kids probably won't be able to sneak out of the house during the night because I would probably hear them the instant they made a move towards a door or window.
Privacy & Modesty - You know how all those design shows on tv and Extreme Home Makeover always stress how your master bedroom should be your 'sanctuary' and how it should be peaceful? How it should be a place for you to escape to and recover and rejuvenate so you can go back to your life? I don't think a single one of them has ever had a child, seriously. My room isn't a sanctuary for me and my hubby. It's home base for our lives. The kitchen might be the hub of a home, but mom's room is where kids go for comfort and love and warmth. When my kids don't feel good or they are tired, they want to snuggle into my bed. When one or more kids is occupying the main tv, they want to watch the one in my room so they can see the show they want. My room has become a dumping ground for toys, shoes, clothes and who knows what else. If something can't be found, we always look under my bed first. It's always the last room to get cleaned because it's such a challenge to keep it that way. I can't remember what it was like to go to the bathroom by myself or take a shower without an interruption. Even though my oldest would never consider following me into a public restroom anymore, he doesn't think twice about barging in my bathroom door at home to ask me something he needs an answer to right that moment. He now locks the door when he's using the restroom or showering or changing (okay, not stupid, I know what that COULD mean since he's 10, but I honestly don't think we're there yet), but still wanders into my room without knocking when I might be doing the same. (We're working on this one, but it's slow). But the little ones need me when they need me so I am available to them whenever - even if I'm just trying to shave my legs. I guess it's okay since after giving birth 3 times in rooms full of family and strangers, I don't have much dignity left anyway. The kids listen in on my phone conversations & absorb every word I say to visitors (although why they can selectively hear when I ask them to do something is beyond me). Someday I dream of having a mommy-only deluxe bathroom and sitting room that even Scotty is not allowed in so that I can bathe and pamper myself and read in peace. It's only a fantasy, I know, but I look forward to at least the door being knocked on before a barge-in sometime in my future.
Sanity - Some people's sanity is challenged just trying to become parents. Fertility and lifestyle issues can be challenging. Alternative conceptions and adoptions are mountains to climb and overcome. I salute these parents, because parenting itself can challenge the most sane & healthy mind and soul. I, luckily, did not have any problem becoming a mom. On the other hand, I had a couple of 'I'm what? I'm pregnant? How did that happen? Now, what am I gonna do?' moments which kind of set the tone, if you know what I mean. Still, once you are a parent, by whatever means, your emotional and mental well-being is compromised. You aren't just caring for your own mind and spirit anymore, you are responsible for another soul. It's daunting. And it's insane. The worries and fears of parenting can threaten your mental stability. The noise level in a house like mine with kids screaming, dogs barking, tv blaring, phone ringing on a daily basis could drive a level-headed person over the edge. The constant battles for power within your own home are draining. The ever present need to make sure the world is fair to your children while you try to teach them to be fair to others can make you weary. And let's not forget the insanity of school. Homework, mean kids, incompetent teachers (there's really only a few but they are definitely worth mentioning), fundraisers, volunteer requests, projects, report cards, PTA and extra-curricular activities are all just small parts to making sure that your kids get a decent education and are in some small way prepared for college or a job or life. Worrying about what school, holding back or pushing forward, what programs, if kids are really getting the material - this will all drive you mad. And of course, these things are just the tip of the iceberg - what about team sports? How do you know what to get your kid involved in and what not to bother with? What if you enroll your child in dance and gymnastics at 3 because that's the only way they can do Dance Team or Cheerleading in highschool anymore only to find out at 13 that they have no interest whatsoever and only want to be an artist? What if you miss their 'calling'? What if you had only enrolled them in tennis or golf instead of soccer and baseball? What if they were the next Pavaratti but you never got them a music lesson? Seriously, parenting is a myriad of questions - better make sure you have a good therapist before you start!
Money - What if I wasn't a mom? Where would I be? In a bigger house. In a different city. In some fabulous rewarding career that paid me tons of money. Searching for a half-million dollar vacation home in Tahiti. On an archaeological dig in the south of France. Definitely in designer clothes with a sporty new car that is NOT a mini-van and NOT inundated with discarded wrappers, forgotten toys and crumbs - lots of crumbs. We certainly make lots of choices in our life and prioritize how we spend our money based on those choices. Scotty and I don't spend tons of money on fancy nights out and romantic getaways. We don't over spend on a bigger, nicer house. We don't drive expensive luxury cars or wear Italian leather shoes. We need a new fence, but we need another bedroom and fresh, clean carpet more. We don't buy every electronic gadget that comes out on the market. But we do spend money on things like enrolling the kids in karate or soccer or cub scouts. We don't get eachother presents much, but we make sure the kids have great birthday parties and Christmases. Raising kids costs money, this is undeniable. I don't work outside of the home trying to make a fortune because it's more important to us that we are with the kids, raising them ourselves as much as possible. I don't get my nails done or buy expensive clothes or drive a Lexus, but my kids have their mom home all the time, clipping coupons most days and making it work. Scott could have a higher paying job, but it might require him to work longer hours and travel extensively. Same principle, it's better for us if he's home more. Some of my friends have spent a lot of money becoming parents with fertility treatments and adoption fees, and that's before the kids are even here needing to be fed and clothed - I am grateful I have only had to worry about copays and coinsurance. We know we probably aren't going to retire to Italy in luxury and will have to scramble to put the kids through college. But, really, who wants to go to Italy when your kids are hopefully going to give you grandkids to love right here? Surely we would be better off financially without children, but we would be way less happy and way more boring.
All this thought of sacrifice for children has, of course, led me to thoughts of my own parents and what they gave up for us kids. All that I could possibly think of and more. All that I do and have done and more. My parents didn't go out every weekend or take expensive vacations. They stayed in a smaller house for years so they could afford to let us do things like take school trips, go to church camp and play instruments in band. They certainly sacrificed their sanity watching us make sometimes crazy and unwise choices as we grew. They most definitely sacrificed on sleep, especially my mother. They gave up their time for us too, spending weekends watching endless hours of track meets and band competitions so they could be there to support us for the ten minutes we actually performed. Blood, Sweat and Tears. That's parenting. And my parents were fabulous at it - are still amazing at it. And they were so good at it that we didn't ever have to stop and think what it might be costing them to do it. I hope that's what I am giving my kids too. I don't want them to have to think about what being their mom does to my body, mind or wallet too much. But, if I do my job well then they will learn from example how to be good parents too, just like I did.
Overall there's a lot of sacrificing in parenting. But there's a lot of change and growth too. I sacrifice out of love. Love for these little men I am raising. My Holy Father sacrificed much more for me than I could ever do for my children, but I live by his example. I give to my kids until there's nothing left and then I give some more. I think alot, too, about how much my kids have changed me. I was never good at handling pain, but I managed 3 pregnancies and births. I always had a horrific fear of needles and avoided them whenever possible, but with my first pregnancy I found that a little prick was nothing in the face of ensuring the health of my child. I have never liked drinking after others, especially kids (my mom is still ticked about the time I wouldn't hand over my water at the state fair when she was having a choking/coughing fit), but 3 kids later I can now let my 2 year old take a messy gulp of my water and then finish the glass (those who know me well, know this is HUGE). And the best part of parenting, for me, the biggest thing that I have learned is the denial of self. That sounds bad, I guess, but think about it - before you were a parent the first thing you thought of every morning was you. The last concern before you went to bed was you. What will I wear? What will I do? How will I feel? Me, me, me. Not anymore. My first and last thought every day have something to do with my children, or my husband - my family. So the biggest sacrifice we make in parenting is sacrifice of self, which I think is a good thing. I know I have to take care of myself to be the best mom I can, but even that is done with the goal of taking care of my family.
Being a mom, making that sacrifice every minute of every day, makes me a better person. It just makes me more. And look at the reward - the payoff. Look at those faces, those smiles. Loving Sacrifice - worth every single second!
I've just read this through and think that it looks like I am trying to martyr myself, but that wasn't the goal. I just wanted to reflect on what it takes out of you to parent. Hope you got that - and know that I am also celebrating your sacrifice too!
Thanks and God Bless!
No comments:
Post a Comment