This morning I find myself in the mommy wasteland of 'What am I doing?' It's one of those mornings that you look back over yesterday and see missed opportunities and mistakes, you glance around at today and your only view is crankiness and bad attitudes, and you gaze into tomorrow and wonder how you are going to navigate your family through the imminent schedule madness and looming obligations. Today I am looking around and feeling like I am not doing a good job or I am missing some key idea or tool that would magically make it all easier.
Of course I know that I am not really terrible at this job - deep down in my soul, buried under the self loathing and self pity of my early morning. But when there just isn't enough coffee in the metroplex to make you smile some mornings, it's easy to get side tracked and down on yourself. So today I just need to vent about a couple of our current issues and ask for your prayers for me to cultivate patience. And ideas! Bring them on! If you've got something in your bag of tricks that can help - let me know!
1 - Tyler - Okay, I've already expounded on discipline with Tyler and the problems we're having in 5th grade, but AAAAGHH! Last night at 9:30 he looked over his homework list and remembered a project that was due today which had been assigned almost 2 weeks ago. It was supposed to have 3 elements - a power point, a 3D drawing, and he can't remember the 3rd. He was vague on how much had been done for a while but on his way to bed I found out that all that had been done was part of the power point, nothing else. I was gulping down wine, trying not to scream at him since I know that will only result in his tears and me comforting him.
Honestly - I don't know what to do to help him at this point. He truly is trying, getting better every day about writing his daily assignments down and reading over them to make sure that they are getting done. I don't think it's that he doesn' care. I found a full calendar page layout in a spiral planner and put it in his binder last night, showing him how he can write project due dates down on each month and be able to look ahead to see what is coming up and I hope that helps. But his homework is taking forever each night so it makes it hard to add project work to the mix too.
I asked Tyler last night what he thought would help him remember things and stay focused. He answered that he needed a desk. He used to have one and my computer is now sitting on it. He didn't use it when it was in his room except to stack every stray toy, tshirt and paper he didn't know what else to do with. When we create the new office after the new bedroom is done, he will have a desk in there. Right now, I am leaning towards forcing him to do his homework at the kitchen table. Mom always made us do this and I am starting to understand why. Tyler says the kids distract him too much out here, but he's getting distracted enough in his room too. If he's in front of me, maybe I can help keep him on task.
And now he's joined cub scouts and is fired up about the whole thing, ready to earn all these badges and pins and go to every event on the calendar. On the up side, it gives me something to work with - to take away when he doesn't get done what he needs to get done. But it's already a scheduling nightmare for me and I am struggling with this new demand on our time. He needed an activity, I encouraged it, but I can't see how it's going to work with all of his projects and regular homework and visits to Denton.
This morning Tyler woke up in one extremely sour mood, probably resulting from his own guilt and dread over the day. He took it out on me, of course, because that's what they all do. I had a really hard time keeping my mouth shut and not adding more crud to the situation. He asked me if I was still mad and I told him I wasn't mad, just frustrated. He said he was just really bad at 5th grade and at being organized and I told him that it was just something we are going to have to work on. I just wish I could snap my fingers and make it all better.
2 - Tattling - Okay, I need to make war on this in my house, but I don't know where to start. And this is new ground for me because when Tyler was young, he was my only child. There wasn't anyone to tell on! Scooter and Riley are beginning to turn tattling into an art form and I want it to stop. However, I don't really get the rules on this myself. I know a lot of people who have a complete 'No tattling' rule for their kids and won't even listen when their kids tell on another child, no matter the reason. I don't get it. I mean, yes - it gets out of hand fast and I don't want my kids telling on each other for every little thing. But, I also WANT my kids to tell me if someone is hurting them - even if it's their brother. How and where do you draw the line? How do you teach them when and when not to tell? If I teach them to never tell, will that keep them from telling me later when someone is bullying them or abusing them? Is there no middle ground and is that why people have the hard rule? If you do make a rule of absolutely no tattling, do you then punish the tattler AND the offender or do you only punish the tattler? I am really, really, really looking for some help on this one so if you have any ideas (teachers, moms, middle management!!!!) then I would really appreciate you passing along your brilliant strategies and theories!
3 - The Mess - The house, the yard, my car - everything gets so messy, so cluttered, so fast! I know it will be long years before I can look forward to a home that isn't littered with toys, dirty clothes and random pieces of trash on a daily basis, but I need some help getting some help. I've tried just about everything - a reward system, a consequence system, leaving it lay around til someone notices and picks up (I live in a house full of males though so this REALLY doesn't work - it just lays there until I'm crazy and I pick it up myself!), yelling, pleading, encouraging, making a game of it. You name it, I've probably at least considered it. It feels like all I do is run from room to room, picking up and then I turn around and can't see what I've done. I know that this is probably just my lot in life for a while, but if you have any suggestions I am open to them. I am constantly purging and organizing and looking for better methods of storage and will probably pull out my favorite reference on this today 'Coach Mom' by Brenna Stull for some encouragement and another idea to try and implement and see if it works for at least a little bit. If you have any tools or books or websites that have worked for you - please pass them on.
4 - Day Care - Ok, this is just a bit of insecurity on my part. The little ones have spent 2 days a week at their day care (the same one they were at while I worked last year) since I quit working again this spring. I have pulled them out and yesterday was their last day. In my gut, I know this was the right decision. The entire situation was causing more stress and confusion than it was helping us out overall. But I'm having a bit of mothers remorse for a moment. After all, the teachers were great and really loved the kids. They were getting socialization and a tiny bit of preschool curriculum. They were out of my hair for a few hours a week. The imminent future is looming though and today all I can see is long days without a break, the sole responsibility of kindergarten preparation and the slight chance that Scooter will backslide on his progress of coming out of his shell. I am trying to remind myself that removing the financial burden is good, having a week that is not broken up by the kids schedule is great, and the chance to do more things like zoo trips and play dates is fantastic. Chanting it to myself while the kids break into an argument over who gets to use what safety pin to transform their blankies into capes. It's not working today. I might need a word of encouragement and a reminder that I can totally do this! I will revisit the possibility of a Mothers Day Out for them in January, but for the remainder of the year - they are with me for better or worse.
Alright, I know I am just being morose this morning and as my IV of caffeine is kicking in and waking up my overtired mind and body, I can see that I am being extremely whiny today. But come on - I listen to whining all day long, am I not entitled to at least one morning of it myself? And you get to be the recipient, poor soul, since I am trying not to whine and complain TO my children which would only breed more discontent.
OK - bucking up, getting moving, thinking about the pile of laundry in my hallway that needs to be washed, dried, folded and put away. Maybe some magical fairy will land in my house today and it will do itself!
God Bless!
First, you can totally so this! No day care is scary and it takes some time time to adjust. I still haven't started crafts every afternoon and we have pajama days quite often, but we are happy.
ReplyDeleteOn the mess issue, here is whack I've found. Each of our kids have color coded plastic buckets with handles. At the end of the day they go through the house and pick up their junk and throw it in the basket (kind of like a laundry basket) and put it in their room. Every few days we empty out the basket. If we can't find something it is a good chance it is in the bucket. That keeps the mess out of site, plus it is easy, five minute clean up tops, and my 2 year old can do it. Same.philosophy for richie and me with laundry baskets. Getting it out of sight and un cluttered at night makes mornings much easier and believe me, cleaning doesn't come easy to me.
Tattling: my rule is "if he's not bleeding or throwing up, or if he's not hurting himself or someone else, I don't want to hear about it." I've struggled with this, too, and for the same reasons. Most of the time, I just say, "you need to work it out with him," or "go talk to him about it," and walk away and/or ignore it. I try to stay out of it as much as possible - and I'm hoping they're learning some form of conflict resolution in the process. But I agree - I want to know now and in the future if it's something serious. That's where I'm hoping the "hurting himself or someone else" comes in.
ReplyDeleteDo you have to-do lists for your kids? That has worked MIRACULOUSLY at our house. Each one of my kids has a checklist on the refrigerator for what they are responsible for in the morning, after school, and before bed. I include "pick up my room" every afternoon. That way, I just have to say, "Go check your list" instead of nagging them about every single thing. (I'll email you my lists if you'd like.) The older kids have more things on their lists than the younger ones, and I give them their list when they start kindergarten.
Whine away, sista. You've earned that right! Hang in there. We've all been there...some of us are right there with ya!