and I am supposed to teach him to drive too? . .

Is there time to blog this morning? Probably not, but I am gonna try and cram a quick one in anyway.

Short version: Tyler reached a 'crisis' this week regarding his school work. He very responsibly chose not to go to his Pack meeting on Tuesday night because he had way too much homework. Turned out it was a lot of unfinshed work from daily assignments. We worked until 10 to get it all done. I asked him what was going on but all I got was how it was too much and he wasn't good at it. Looks like the material isn't too much for him, but organizing, multi-tasking and prioritizing is more than he can handle right now. I understand that these are learned skills and it will take time. I also know that his mom is a pro on these things and he will eventually be great at them.

He broke down crying. I prepped him for his really bad report card that is most assuredly arriving next week. He was so mad at himself. I told him the story of when I screwed up big time myself in 6th grade. I promised that if he asked for help I would be here to work with him, but he had to listen to what I was saying and try. He promised that next six weeks would be better. I believe him because I think he finally gets it.

But I am also starting to see that I might not be the best person to help him with his homework. Whenever I answer questions or try to help him, he seems to take it as criticism or revert to whining about how stuff is hard or not fair. It's very hard to stay calm. I have always been good at working with different kids and figuring out how they learn and explaining things to them (ask my sister, she'll tell ya!) but with Tyler I just screw up over and over again.

My thoughts drift forward a few years and I worry already about teaching him to drive. Honestly, I am so like my mother I am pretty sure that I am not going to be the best person for this. I took everything my mom said as criticism and impatience. I hated the way she hissed and slammed her foot into the floorboard every time I hit the brakes. My dad might have been freaking out on the inside too, but he was way better at hiding it and appearing to be patient and calm. I don't want to break down and yell at Tyler in frustration and end up causing an accident. I think I better start prepping Scotty for this duty now so there is no question who's handling it when Tyler starts to drive.

The good thing is all my kids drive those motorized cars around our yard like pros. I know you think that might not be anywhere near the same thing, but remember how difficult it was to learn how to back up by turning the wheel the opposite direction? It felt weird and uncomfortable so it was one of the trickiest things to learn. My 2 year old already does this like a pro. It's hysterical to see. He doesn't even think about it, just props one arm around the passenger seat like his dad, glances over his shoulder and steers backwards with one hand like a seasoned driver. My kids will all either be excellent drivers or extremely reckless.

The thing is, I am a good driver and a fairly decent teacher. Maybe personality traits in the other two kids will offer me the opportunity to be the driving instructor, but I am pretty sure that Tyler and I are too much alike to make that work successfully. Certainly with Tyler I am screwing up at the homework thing. I keep losing my temper when he doesn't listen or let me teach. He might think I can't teach him like his teachers, I am not sure.

But what do I do? It's not like he's struggling with the material and needs a tutor. I would gladly get him one if I thought that would work. He just needs an occasional question answered or a reminder of operations processes for long division. He needs prodding to keep working on the homework until it's done. I feel like I have lost my grip or my footing or whatever when I went back to work and let him do all his homework at daycare. I didn't have to face it and got out of practice or something.

I'm furiously flipping through ideas for how to help Tyler all day every day right now. It's hard because he's way too much like his mom. He has my temper, my stubborn streak, my tendency to procrastinate and my sarcastic sense of humor. Luckily, he also has my ability to adapt and adjust, a willingness to apologize and make amends when we screw up and a major capacity for forgiveness. I'm struck with the irony. I am very good at helping others but not always good at helping myself. Tyler is so much like me that I am sometimes stuck on how to help him too.

It's a good thing I am heading out for counseling this morning! I need it today, if only to calm myself and find my center again. Maybe in the peace I will find an answer!

Love and God Bless!

All's well that ends well - sort of . . .

Being Scooter's mom was hard work yesterday.

First, we haven't been able to find one of his red crocs for a couple of days but because those were the shoes he really wanted to wear yesterday afternoon we spent 30 minutes looking for the shoe before I could get kids in the car. He refused to leave the house until we found it. I was getting frustrated and so was Riley but then I reminded him that after our long string of to-do's we were going straight to Soccer practice anyway so he needed to wear tennis shoes. We finally got in the car.

We got in the car so that we could go pick Tyler up directly from school. This requires sitting in a line in the car for 30 + minutes. Not my favorite way to spend an afternoon either, but Scooter was really mad about the whole thing. Spent 29 of the 30 minutes complaining, asking to get out of his seatbelt and whining about how he didn't like to wait in line. Then he crashed out for a tiny nap. Peace. Tyler got in the car and we headed to Rockwall.

We headed to Rockwall so that we could get both Tyler and Scooter to the dentist. This is our 3rd or 4th attempt to have Scooter's first dentist appointment. We had been talking it up for weeks and the most I could get out of Scooter was that he would let them do a 'little bit but not all of it'. Whatever that means. Tyler went in first which gave Scooter time to fully wake from his nap and me time to chat with the staff that I have known for 30 years. When it was Scooter's turn, he of course said no. Pouted. Cried. I settled him down and was finally able to get him in the chair on my lap. This was a tiny victory because it was the farthest we have gotten. They raised the chair, laid us back. Scooter was as stiff as a board. All the hygenist was going to do was look around at his teeth with the little mirror. She didn't even have the toothpaste out or anything, knowing Scooter I guess. Nope. Wouldn't do it. Refused to open his mouth or unclench his jaw. We tried showing him on me and Tyler. Nothing. Later he told me he had lost his 'Ahh' and so he couldn't open his mouth. After 10 minutes we gave up. I go for my own cleaning in a couple of weeks and we will try again. My dentist reviewed Scooter's diet and our brushing habits and said that he would be fine. I just had to watch for anything that looked or smelled bad or that he complained of hurting. Otherwise, as long as we get his first cleaning in by the time he's 6 it'll be all right. Easy for him to say. I was embarrassed and hugely frustrated and stressed by the time we left.

We left because we had to run one errand on the way to practice. The grocery store. My kids are usually very good at the grocery store, but this was not really grocery shopping. That will be later in the week after payday. This was a run-in-and-grab-something-quick shopping. Scooter was tired. He told me he didn't want to shop, he was just going to wait in the car. Right, like that's happening. He was serious though, which required me carrying him into the store, Scooter crying and whining the whole way. Once in the store, I said the words 'We're just getting a couple of things for dinner' about a hundred times while all 3 of the boys asked 'Can we get this?' 'Can we get that?' Scooter threw a fit because Riley was holding the one bag of snacks that I did pick up (to fill in for lunches since I'm out of the prebagged chips) and he wanted to hold it. Crying and whining again while we all piled back in the car.

We all piled back in the car so that we could drive one block to soccer practice. Scott was there waiting. Scooter squirmed while I squeezed his legs into shin guards and long socks. I tried to have a quick conversation with my mother on the phone, but he refused to even walk into the building without me right by his side. The kids had just had a week off of practice and games because of an art fair at the church and the break was nice for me while it was happening, but didn't do us any favors with Scooter. He absolutely refused to do anything at practice. He cried. He whined. He sat in the floor and refused to move. After a lot of threatening to sit on the sidelines and not stay with him, he participated a little bit, but he didn't really listen to the coach or do any of the drills the way he was supposed to. I looked up to see Scott shooting hoops with Tyler and kicking a soccer ball with Riley (who wants to play) and chatting with the other parents and wanted to give up and go home. After some prodding, Scott did come and help me try to talk Scooter into actually practicing, but it still was a struggle. By the end of the hour, Scooter almost had a smile on his face again and was starting to interact with the other kids again. I was in a really bad mood. It was time to go home and make dinner.

We make dinner - frozen pizza because it's fast and it's already after 7 p.m. Scooter won't eat pizza and insisted on Rice. We made the rice and then he barely touched it. Scott wanted to know what was wrong with me, why I was down. It's just been an exhausting day being Scooter's mom. This isn't fun. Soccer isn't fun. I want to be one of the mom's on the sidelines watching my kid have fun and do silly things. I don't want to be the ONLY mom in week 5 that has to stay with my kid so he'll stay out there and play. Scott tells me that I'm doing a great job. It'll get better. It's just his first season. He'll grow out of it. Really? When? We eat.

We eat and clean up. I hear Scooter asking Tyler to help him learn a Wii game. When Tyler says he doesn't really have time tonight, I hear Scooter say 'OK, maybe another day you can show me.' The sweetest boy in the world is slowly returning. Scott turns on the Packer game. I pour a glass of wine. We sit at the table and start looking online for a decent buy on a tent.

We are looking for a tent because Scott and Tyler are doing a cub scout camping trip this weekend, and of course we don't have any gear. We were really looking for something small for the two of them, but they really want all of us to camp together for the family campout in November. November? Why on earth would I (the camping NON-enthusiast) want to sleep outside on the ground in the cold of November? But being the good mom that I am, I have agreed to consider it so I was also looking at some bigger tents too. I see some very nice, large 3 room tents and I show them to Scott.

I show them to Scott and say 'This wouldn't be bad. We can sleep on one end, the kids on another. There's room for gear. The kids wouldn't be right on top of us. It's worth thinking about for later, anyway.' Scott glances over and says in his funny, special way 'Oh yeah - we could get busy in that one!' I roll my eyes at him and laugh then move on to the next tent. Scooter wasn't really part of our conversation, but at the moment he was sitting on Scott's lap and he piped in 'Yeah, we could get busy in that one.' We laugh and say 'oh really?' 'Yeah' he says 'It'll be fun.' Scott and I break down laughing hysterically and I text the short version of the story to my sister, because it was one of those I don't want to forget and she'll help me remember.

Tyler was tough on Sunday, Riley will be tough today because it's hair day and he's my one kid who doesn't get excited about haircuts. But yesterday it was Scooter. It was long and grueling and exhausting, but at the end of the day he was still my Scooter, funny and sweet and loving. He went to bed without a hitch and when Scott and I turned all the lights off later and headed to bed ourselves, I made my nightly run through the kids rooms to make sure they were safe, warm and kissed one last time. I walked into Scooter's room and found him sound asleep next to his bed in the floor with one arm lovingly around Bella who was sleeping half way under his bed as quiet and as still as could be. They were sweet. Scooter was sweet. I moved him to his bed and tucked him in and kissed him. And even though he had worn me out all day, I thanked God for granting me the priveledge of being his mom.

Thanks and God Bless!

Mothering Lesson #15,302 . . .

I have this really rough hewn theory about parenting. It's basically that whatever your strengths and weaknesses are as a person don't really change when you become a parent, they just become more amplified. If you are not patient, you won't magically become patient when someone hands you a squirming armful of baby. You are probably going to be short tempered and want to pull your hair out and scream alot when the baby doesn't want to do anything but cry. If you are by nature a giver, you are not going to have to work at giving to your children, it will just be easier all the time and help you give to more and more people, including your children. If you are not good at cleaning house and managing money before kids, it's only going to get worse once you have little ones running your days. If you are by nature a teacher, it will be automatic to teach your children and will be easy for you.

This is not to say that we are not capable of change and that parenting doesn't change you, because it most certainly does. As a parent you will definitely pick up a lot of new skills along the way and being a parent will provide you with countless opportunities to improve your weak traits and will eventually change the shape of your core, if not the essence of your character. For love of your child, you will climb countless mountains and find new and sometimes drastic ways to enhance the person that you are.

Wow that sounds lofty and pedantic. All this to say - there are some things that I am really awesome at in the mothering arena, and there are some things at which, I really suck. I am great at reading to my kids and showing them joy and thankfulness for who they are. I am excellent at teaching my kids to communicate, especially their feelings. However, I know I let them watch too much tv and none of my kids eat enough fruits and vegetables. Not really a surprise since I am a reader, writer and talker and I love tv and don't eat enough fruits and vegetables myself. Who I am influences both how I parent and who my kids are becoming. Modeling, modeling, modeling.

One of my greatest strengths as a person, and therefore as a mother, is that I am a great multi-tasker and I work well under pressure. So even though there are many, many times that I want to pull my hair out because there are 3 kids that need constant attention in my life and that come with a multitude of scheduling demands and changes - I can usually figure it out and swing it. It may take 2 parents, multiple cars, some grandparents and aunts and uncles, but I will usually recruit the necessary resources and people to make the time management craziness work. We get the job done because I can mostly keep everything straight in my head, think outside the box and organize a solution. Skills I have definitely picked up from my mother, the 'Great Organizer'.

However, one of my greatest weaknesses as both a person and as a mother is that I am a control freak. In my great multi-tasking, organizational brain there is a major flaw that tells me that I can do it better myself. This has led to me working myself into corners at countless jobs and left me with more work on my plate than I can handle more times than I can remember. I've done it at school, work, church, charities, for parties and at home. And as bad as it is for just a normal woman to be this way, it's worse as a mom. It translates into a lot of areas, but for me the area that it shows its head the most is 'other kids and their parents'.

When Tyler became friends with the boy next door, Jerry, they were both 5 and finishing kindergarten. They were instant best buddies even though it had taken almost a year for them to cross the alley to play with each other. I found out immediately that I was not good at all at the neighborhood friend thing. This frustrated me because I am still friends with many of the kids I grew up with in my neighborhood - I am even married to one! We did everything together, played with each other and in each others homes all the time. We were in and out of houses, our parents never knowing exactly where we were, just that we were on the street somewhere with our buddies. But as a parent, I couldn't do it. I couldn't let go and just let Tyler run free.

Mostly this was me wanting to be in control, but it was also partly a language barrier. Jerry's English was spotty and his parents was minimal. I didn't have enough confidence in my spattering of Spanish to attempt an actual conversation so I couldn't really get to know Jerry's mother and get a feel for her as a person or a mom. (Funny though, when I was in Mexico drinking lots of Cerveza and Tequila, I had no problem stretching my 8 yrs of Spanish education muscles.) What I could do though, was see into her yard because they only have a 4 ft. chain link fence. So I let Tyler play in the yard with Jerry, biting my tongue when they jumped on his trampoline with no safety net, right next to the fence and a really big tree. I held my breath when I saw her leave both her kids alone outside on the back porch with a 3 ft. high inflatable pool, the younger son Randy being only 9 months older than Scooter. And I let Jerry come in our house and play in our backyard over and over again. Eventually I let Tyler play inside their house too and I can now let him go without checking in every 10 minutes and without worrying constantly, watching out my window at what they are doing. Now Randy comes over to play with Scooter and Riley, which they love. I am not ready for Scooter to go over there by himself though and to be honest it will probably be a while. Randy is welcome here though, especially now that he's in kindergarten and after completing his head start program last year he can understand much more of what I am saying to him. I know that it's okay to let them go, but it's really hard because when they are over there - I have no control whatsoever.

And now I have a new challenge to my control freak parenting style. Tyler has been assigned a huge research project with 2 other classmates. Luckily, they are kids that I know and know their parents. At first, the other parents were quiet and I didn't hear anything from them about getting the kids together so I let my organizational self get things started. I emailed the other 2 moms and offered my home for the initial research and designation of duties. The other parents hadn't even been aware there was a project. One of the moms offered to have a work/sleepover instead. My initial gut reaction was NOOOO. I would have no control and couldn't help organize. But in the name of working on my own flaws, I kept my mouth shut and agreed. The kids dad was pumped up, the kids were going to work on the project Sat afternoon and then have fun the rest of the time. I told him I was most concerned about them dividing up the work and keeping things as even as possible so could he take notes?

I had a very bad feeling when the dad sent me an email designating duties BEFORE the sleepover which showed the 3rd kid doing all the research, my kid doing all the image, chart, map and visual aid retreival and his kid compiling everything. I had read the project guidelines and rubric and knew how heavy the research component was. I knew how many charts and graphs and maps were going to be required. I didn't think that pulling those things off of flash drives and onto a power point presentation was going to come anywhere near the level of work required by the other two boys. I wanted to argue, but instead I told Tyler that he needed to make sure that J didn't get stuck with all the research and to try and make sure things stayed fair. When I dropped him off, I said to the boys in front of N's dad, 'When you start working, if it seems like one of you has more than another to do, change the plan and make sure it stays fair.' And I went on my way. Score one for the mom who is trying very hard to not be a control freak! Yay! Or so I thought.

Last night I got a phone call from N's mom (they are divorced, but do their best to co-parent). She was upset because first of all, she had let her ex handle the project in the first place and she felt like he had screwed up. Then she started telling me that J & N had done their research, but Tyler hadn't. ????? I'm sorry - I know Tyler has his issues, but researching is not one of them. Her ex had complained that Tyler didn't know how to cut and paste off of the internet. I said, well - they aren't supposed to be cutting and pasting off of the internet except for maybe pictures and Tyler does know how to do that. Have you read the project guidelines? No. Has J? Well, he has now, but not before the kids started. Her son had told them the project is due next week, which it is not and so she can chill out about thinking it has to be done today. I explained that Tyler had been in a sour mood all day and I hadn't talked to him yet about the work done over the weekend. I also said that J had called today and mentioned that the kids had divided up the 4 areas of research and which one was Tyler's and I thought that was a good move. I told her that this project was huge and there was no reason to think that the kids were going to get it all done in one weekend and that it was really important per the requirements that they each had a hand in all different phases of the project and presentation. Her ex had let the kids start with filming their video on Saturday for the presentation even though I had told Tyler that there was no way for them to do it before the research (and the dad should have known this too, duh!) and then when he read the project guidelines late Saturday night, he had realized his mistake and put the kids to work doing actual research on Sunday morning. Not knowing this, I had sent Scott to pick Tyler up 2 hours before the designated pick up time since our schedule wouldn't allow for him to stay there all day. So here they were complaining Tyler hadn't done his share when they had just started working on it when he got picked up.

I should have just held my ground and had the kids here or insisted that it was parents & kids time, not just a play date with some homework mixed in. This is what happens when I don't follow my gut. Now I have to bridge the gap between the two other moms since before this weekend they didn't know each other. Now I have to fix the problem and be the organizer anyway. And it sucks because there are hurt feelings and frustration all around that will have to be mended too. I should have went with my strength on this one and not tried to improve my weakness. At the end of the day, I am the only one of these moms who read the report guidelines and I am the only one who has a kid who had even told me about the project (a plus considering Tyler's own forgetfulness of late). And even though J is considered the smartest kid in the 5th grade at Tyler's school, he's shy and his mom is even more so, so I have to be the outgoing, levelheaded, organized mom to make this work.

The funniest thing about all this to me is the mom thinking Tyler was slacking off. I talked to him about the whole thing last night and found out that he had been frustrated right away because all N wanted to do was create this video but there had been no plan, just fun. He had felt 'funny' because he knew they weren't doing what they were supposed to be doing. He didn't think N was very nice and had grumbled a lot while Tyler and J were doing the initial planning and organizing work. The kids were paired together by their teacher because they had scored similarly on the multiple intelligence tests with Logical/Mathematical being the strongest for all three. I don't doubt that N does fall in this boat because I've seen him in action, but I have also hosted him more than a few times and seen him do presentations in class before. He's smart, but he's sullen and lazy at times. Scott thinks he's a smart a--. At Tyler's bday sleep over, he was the one that caused most of the small issues we had with five 10 yr old boys trying to play together fairly. He can be very sweet, but he has to be prodded to do the work or to play fairly (he's also the only only-child in this particular crew - surprise? the rest of them know how to share because they have to every single day, not N).

At the end of the day, these boys have to figure out how to work together. They have to find a way to get the project done fairly and sufficiently. Which means that as parents, we have to figure it out as well. I guess I am going to have to take on my normal role of instigator and organizer. This is the role that often gives me the labels of pushy, bossy and another 'b' word, but it also gets the job done. So much for me trying to grow in the process or trying to let go of some control. I am going to have to rely on my strengths this time. And I am going to have to find a way to help Tyler figure out what his are too, so that he knows what role on a team he fulfills best. Is it the brains behind the machine or is it the organizational leader? Is it the mediator and peacemaker or the worker bee and motivator?

And, I have to keep my cool and not complain about the other kids or parents in front of him either. Grumble, grumble, sigh. Modeling, modeling, modeling. Some times it bites! Go with your strengths on the big stuff. Work on your weaknesses on the little stuff. Lesson learned. Next!

God Bless!

It's not the kids, it's the gnomes . . .

Okay - I wasn't planning on blogging today because my hubby is off of work. Don't ask me where this particular logic came from, but I generally save my blogging for days that there are fewer people here - even though it makes sense that if Scott is here, I will have less interruptions and more time to write. Go figure. Anyway, I was really planning on leaving my keyboard alone today, but Scott is still snoozing, Tyler's off to school and the munchkins have decided to begin their day by lounging in their pjs and watching Star Wars - the original. Seems like a good opportunity to put pen to paper, er - fingers to keys? And I'm really perplexed today about something stupid and little and need to vent it out, I guess.

So what has me stirred up this morning? Missing stuff. I am starting to think there is a gnome in my house, running around and stealing things. Okay, I got the gnome idea from an episode of Little Bear on Nick Jr. that I was unfortunate enough to witness too much of one day when I was laying down with Riley, trying to encourage a nap. The show really annoys me because even though it's got all those great preschool ideas about sharing and friendship, etc. - I can't figure it out. The animals all run around talking and living in houses they make, but some of them are their natural habitats and some are actual houses. The bears dress in clothes that look like they are from the late 1800's, but only the adults, and no other animals wear clothes. And they run around calling each other Mother Bear and Father Bear and Grandfather Bear with no first names. I am not a fan of Barney and some of the other stuff the kids watch makes no sense to me either, but for some reason this show bugs the crud out of me. Sorry - off subject, but really? Anyway, in this episode the gnomes were stealing someones eye glasses and hiding them in a tree trunk and the characters had to ask to get them back and offer to trade other stuff for their cherished lost items.

Gnomes. Are they wandering through my house stealing things? Cuz really - I can't figure out where the stuff is running off to. My house isn't that big, it's fairly well organized and it gets cleaned sort of frequently. But I can't find the remote to the main DVD. My second set of car keys has been missing for months. And about 2 years ago, my diamond stud earrings disappeared, never to be heard from again.

I know you are thinking - you have 3 kids, 2 dogs and a cat - of course things are missing. And you are probably saying - look under furniture, check the junk drawer, have you moved the refrigerator? Believe me, I have.

The earrings disappeared after I had removed them from my lobes and put them on my dresser once upon a time. I didn't even know they were gone at first because I don't wear jewelry very often and my good stuff even less. It might have been weeks or months before I realized they were gone. And it wasn't until well after I figured out that my then 2 yr old Scooter was 'exploring' any surface he could reach by dragging a stool near to become instantly taller. He could have eaten them. He could have left them somewhere that Bella could have eaten them. He could have just dropped them behind a dresser or somewhere on the very stained carpet that we didn't see and then we vacuumed. I will never know, I guess. They were small studs, but they were a Christmas gift from Scott our first married holidays together and it makes me so sad that they are gone. And really, I can't blame Scooter entirely. He might not have made it anywhere near them. Or he might have done who knows what with them while I was nursing his baby brother and couldn't keep an eye on him every single second of the day. Or maybe the gnomes just decided they were too shiny and pretty to pass up.

I am fairly certain that the culprit for the theft - um loss - of my extra car keys is Riley. They disappeared this spring, just before I quit working. He was constantly taking our real keys to use to drive the motorized jeep in the yard because what fun is it to drive if you don't have keys? The kids probably have 10 different sets of play keys in various shapes and sizes, but they aren't nearly as fun as real keys. We tried giving him a set of real keys that we don't use anymore, but he's too smart for all that and kept grabbing at the viable, useable sets. If we dared to set our keys down in an unsecured location, they would be gone in a heartbeat. Scott had to be particularly careful about this because he really only has one key to his truck (that's a blog for another day, but suffice it to say he tends to lose keys when he goes on trips). I have one more key in my purse that's an extra (a valet key), but the extra set with the extra lock fob on it is long gone. The garage has been scoured, cleaned out and organized 3 or 4 times since they disappeared and they aren't anywhere I can find in the house. The yard has been mowed and they haven't shown up. Again, might not have been Riley - right? Could have been the gnomes.

I've learned to consider the earrings a bittersweet loss and I don't think about the keys too often since I am still able to drive my car everyday and have an emergency key if needed. But, the DVD remote, that's another story. It's only been missing for a month or so, but I can't find it anywhere. I have looked in the crevices of the couch (where remotes often wander), under couches, in drawers, behind dressers, under beds, in toy boxes and cubby baskets - I can't find it. And what are the chances that a remote somehow found itself outside of the house? We just did a pretty intense cleaning around here in preparation for a party. Almost every piece of furniture in my house was moved and vacuumed under and around - no remote. I can't even think of a reason to blame this on one of my kids so I am just going to assume that the gnomes are growing bolder.

Truthfully, I think the gnomes were strategic on the DVD remote. Because without the remote, there are certain kid DVD's that I can never change off of the first story on the disc. If there is no play all option - you have to have a stupid remote to select or change to a different story. So without it, I am forced to listen to the same 'Super Why' episode over and over again on the day the kids decide that is the movie they HAVE to watch. And sad as it is, Scott and I like to watch movies with the subtitles playing. We can't always hear the characters talking when their voices are low or they are talking too quickly. This isn't an option without a remote. It's a plot by the gnomes to push me over the edge.

It was revenge really. They found out that I didn't like Little Bear and hated their starring role episode most. They are laughing behind my back every time I go to look for something I really want to find and then they are strategically placing items that I would have liked to stay lost (like the cheap happy meal toy that makes annoying sounds or the puzzle piece that I couldn't find for a year so I got rid of the puzzle while purging only to find the damn piece 2 weeks later) in my path where I can't miss them. The gnomes hate me. They are plotting my journey to madness like it's a map and a definite inevitability.

If I could only find their storehouse - their lair. If only I knew where they were hiding, hoarding my stuff. Maybe I could negotiate a truce or a trade. Maybe I could talk them into trading my old mood ring for my earrings or all the Mexican coins that somehow have found their way into my coin jar for my keys. Maybe they would give up the location of the DVD remote if I offered them the little laser light the kids use to tease the kitten into a frenzy.

If anyone has experience negotiating with gnomes for the return of their lost treasures, let me know. I suspect though - that they are in your house too and winning there as well. After all, who do you think is really stealing one sock from the pair over and over again between the wash cycle and removing your clothes from the dryer?

Love to all and God Bless!

Back on the happy train - sort of . . .

Thanks to everyone yesterday for your support! I got emails, phone calls and comments that all helped me just get through the day and keep trucking along. Great tips too! I love Kristen's idea for color coded baskets and will have to think about how I can apply that or something close to it for my munchkins. I also liked Jennifer's idea for the to-do lists (yes, please email them to me), but since I only have one reading kid so far I'll have to adjust that one for a bit too. Also big thanks to Staci who, even without a hubby and children, took time to write me a great email regarding the mounting pile of mountain dew cans in her house and reminded me that it doesn't matter what your circumstances are, there is always something keeping you from picking everything up and staying focused and she made me smile!

After my little pity party yesterday, I decided today that I should just focus on the positive and some tiny, small triumphs! So here's my list of small victories:

1 - My hubby did not read my blog from yesterday (he's about 2 weeks behind) and so when he came home and was helping me pick up and made a random comment about how I needed to teach the kids to bring me their cups from their rooms (they always have a drink next to their beds when going to sleep) I DID NOT YELL AT HIM. I had to bite my tongue, but it wouldn't have really been fair since he didn't know what I was struggling with yesterday. I just told him that I was working on it, it was a daily struggle and they might have learned it from him since I usually pick up at least one drinking glass of his in the mornings left behind on the coffee table or fireplace each evening. He doesn't believe me and told me to take a pic on my phone next time and send it to him. Love his sense of humor and love that I didn't have a picture to take this morning since he listened through our teasing to what I was saying. When he remembers to model good habits for the kids too, it makes it easier for me to teach them during the day.

2 - I did not kill the cat. The thought crossed my mind. She has decided that when coming out to play, she likes to climb behind the electronics and through piles of wires. She killed the power on the main surge protector for our tv and components yesterday 4 times in a row. At the time the kids were trying to watch Return of the Jedi while I was blogging and Scooter was not happy that it had to start over each time. Since I currently cannot find the DVD remote I couldn't pick the chapter where we left off. Later, when the kids were resting and I sat down to watch a recorded premier while I folded laundry, I discovered that since she was killing the power while the DVR was still rebooting, the thing reset itself to default settings and DELETED ALL MY RECORDINGS. We are lucky if we get to sit down for one program in the evenings so the DVR is key for us. It means we can watch something we actually want to see and we can do it without commercials. Getting 45 minutes of tv time with my hubby in the evening is fun for me and losing all the programs almost brought me to tears. The only thing that saved the kitty's life was the fact that it was only 2 nights of premier shows, we had already watched Lone Star and Chase (both destined to be favorites for us) and AT&T offers NCIS and NCIS LA (the two that I wanted to watch during laundry because Scotty doesn't care for) via On Demand. I don't get to watch too much tv during the day, but when I am doing laundry, I really like to sit and watch something that my hubby or kids aren't into. The cat is on notice.

3 - I made some progress in my house yesterday although I am not expecting it to last. I got all the laundry done and put away, clean sheets on all the beds and enough stuff picked up off of the floor that Scott was able to vaccuum ALL the rooms while I bathed munchkins. The end result was that when I stumbled out of bed this morning, I got to walk through the dark house without worrying I was going to kill myself stepping on a toy and I didn't have to start my day by looking around at a house that looked like a tornado hit it. I told the kids that I really want to keep it picked up today and although they are currently agreeing with me emphatically, I know the reality is it will be hard to keep them motivated as the day goes on. Still, one day out of the week for a hazard free zone is kind of good at this point.

4 - Homework wasn't painful last night. When Tyler came home and grumbled about me insisting he do his homework at the kitchen table, I held firm. When he complained about noise and distraction, I sent the little ones to my room to watch Noggin and turned off Dave Ramsey radio in the kitchen. When he kept wandering to the back of the house to watch tv with his brothers while he ate a snack, I brought him back and then planted myself at the table too to encourage him to stay put. I did not yell, plead, whine or berate but I was firm. I helped him think through a math problem and then I put my foot down and insisted he use his dictionary to look up the meanings of his spelling words instead of asking me. He finished his daily homework in less than an hour for a change. Then he sat here and worked on his project that thankfully he had found out wasn't really due until Friday (yesterday was just an in class work day after all that madness). He told me about an upcoming math project and showed me how he had already written the due date on the monthly calendar I had given him. It was only one night and I know I am gonna need a whole lot of patience to have more of these and less of the other kind, but it definitely gave me hope.

4 - The timer really works. With a 4 yr old and almost 3 yr old, the fights over toys in my house are ridiculous. It's not like we don't have a thousand toys to choose from, but they always want the same thing. For a long time, Scooter was brilliant at redirecting Riley so that he could have the 'good' toy, but Riley has caught on. When we're having sharing issues, I started setting a timer on my oven for 3 minutes at a time to keep things fair. It took a while for this to really catch on and I had to physically remove toys from kids clenched fingers a few times, but now the timer is my best friend. When one of the kids wants something the other one has, they don't yell and fight and try to take it away - they come and say 'Mama can you set the timer?' How awesome is that? So, I do - every time. And now they are both pretty good about handing over the toy immediately because they know they are going to get it back in 3 minutes. The only problems I have found with this is when we are outside and I use a timer in my head, Scooter will eventually decide that the timer should be in HIS head and he will tell us when the minutes are up (you can imagine how that works) and there are times that Riley asks me 'did it beep? did it beep? did it beep?' for the entire 3 minutes instead of just waiting and listening.

5 - I got a little help from my kids yesterday. Tyler helped me clean the table, set the table and pick up toys in addition to putting his clean clothes away. Some of his help was an effort to have something to log for his cub scouts, but it's all the same to me - less stuff I have to do. The little ones were less enthusiastic about picking up, but when I started handing them small stacks of clothes to put in their drawers they jumped in and made a game of it. Watching little Riley struggle with keeping all the clothes in his arms while he opened drawers was hysterical. I stayed put though and didn't rush to help. I figure it was more important that he was doing something to help than if the clothes got in the right drawers or if they stayed folded. It took Scooter longer but that's because he really can't stand it if clothes are peeking out of a drawer that won't close. It all has to fit or he is going to stay there working on it until it does. I was just super pleased that they were chipping in a little, even though I know it's not an every day thing right now.

6 - Bedtime was easy for a change. The kids had woken up so early yesterday (probably part of my problem to begin with) and then wouldn't nap at all, much less take a decent rest. This is not the best way for a day to flow around here as they get crankier and nastier when they don't have enough sleep. However, it made bedtime a snap. Riley was out within 2 minutes of crawling into bed. Scooter made a show of not being tired, but when I said he could sit with me for a few minutes on the couch before going back and trying again, he also fell asleep within a minute of sitting still. If I thought I could handle the fallout during the day, I would wake them early every morning and never let them take a nap, but it doesn't work that way. Eventually the lack of sleep makes bedtimes even worse, but when it's a once-in-a-while thing like yesterday, it can lead to a very pleasant evening. Scott and I were blessed with almost 2 hours of 'us' time before hitting the sack ourselves for a change. We were able to have conversations with each other AND watch a new show on tv.

And on top of all these wonderful, little, tiny happy moments - I get to go out for a drink with one of my best buds tonight! Yay! Margaritas! Scott has a 3 day weekend starting tomorrow. Tyler is home with us for the weekend, but has a sleep over/team project work day planned at another kids house on Saturday. And Scooter has a by-week for soccer which means I don't have to run for an hour this weekend. Woohoo! Life is great if you take time to see all the positives and the small victories!

Thanks and God Bless!

More coffee, less whining . . .

This morning I find myself in the mommy wasteland of 'What am I doing?'  It's one of those mornings that you look back over yesterday and see missed opportunities and mistakes, you glance around at today and your only view is crankiness and bad attitudes, and you gaze into tomorrow and wonder how you are going to navigate your family through the imminent schedule madness and looming obligations.  Today I am looking around and feeling like I am not doing a good job or I am missing some key idea or tool that would magically make it all easier.

Of course I know that I am not really terrible at this job - deep down in my soul, buried under the self loathing and self pity of my early morning.  But when there just isn't enough coffee in the metroplex to make you smile some mornings, it's easy to get side tracked and down on yourself.  So today I just need to vent about a couple of our current issues and ask for your prayers for me to cultivate patience.  And ideas!  Bring them on!  If you've got something in your bag of tricks that can help - let me know!

1 - Tyler - Okay, I've already expounded on discipline with Tyler and the problems we're having in 5th grade, but AAAAGHH!  Last night at 9:30 he looked over his homework list and remembered a project that was due today which had been assigned almost 2 weeks ago.  It was supposed to have 3 elements - a power point, a 3D drawing, and he can't remember the 3rd.  He was vague on how much had been done for a while but on his way to bed I found out that all that had been done was part of the power point, nothing else.  I was gulping down wine, trying not to scream at him since I know that will only result in his tears and me comforting him.

Honestly - I don't know what to do to help him at this point.  He truly is trying, getting better every day about writing his daily assignments down and reading over them to make sure that they are getting done.  I don't think it's that he doesn' care.  I found a full calendar page layout in a spiral planner and put it in his binder last night, showing him how he can write project due dates down on each month and be able to look ahead to see what is coming up and I hope that helps.  But his homework is taking forever each night so it makes it hard to add project work to the mix too.

I asked Tyler last night what he thought would help him remember things and stay focused.  He answered that he needed a desk.  He used to have one and my computer is now sitting on it.  He didn't use it when it was in his room except to stack every stray toy, tshirt and paper he didn't know what else to do with.  When we create the new office after the new bedroom is done, he will have a desk in there.  Right now, I am leaning towards forcing him to do his homework at the kitchen table.  Mom always made us do this and I am starting to understand why.  Tyler says the kids distract him too much out here, but he's getting distracted enough in his room too.  If he's in front of me, maybe I can help keep him on task.

And now he's joined cub scouts and is fired up about the whole thing, ready to earn all these badges and pins and go to every event on the calendar.  On the up side, it gives me something to work with - to take away when he doesn't get done what he needs to get done.  But it's already a scheduling nightmare for me and I am struggling with this new demand on our time.  He needed an activity, I encouraged it, but I can't see how it's going to work with all of his projects and regular homework and visits to Denton.

This morning Tyler woke up in one extremely sour mood, probably resulting from his own guilt and dread over the day.  He took it out on me, of course, because that's what they all do.  I had a really hard time keeping my mouth shut and not adding more crud to the situation.  He asked me if I was still mad and I told him I wasn't mad, just frustrated.  He said he was just really bad at 5th grade and at being organized and I told him that it was just something we are going to have to work on.  I just wish I could snap my fingers and make it all better.

2 - Tattling - Okay, I need to make war on this in my house, but I don't know where to start.  And this is new ground for me because when Tyler was young, he was my only child.  There wasn't anyone to tell on!  Scooter and Riley are beginning to turn tattling into an art form and I want it to stop.  However, I don't really get the rules on this myself.  I know a lot of people who have a complete 'No tattling' rule for their kids and won't even listen when their kids tell on another child, no matter the reason.  I don't get it.  I mean, yes - it gets out of hand fast and I don't want my kids telling on each other for every little thing.  But, I also WANT my kids to tell me if someone is hurting them - even if it's their brother.  How and where do you draw the line?  How do you teach them when and when not to tell?  If I teach them to never tell, will that keep them from telling me later when someone is bullying them or abusing them?  Is there no middle ground and is that why people have the hard rule?  If you do make a rule of absolutely no tattling, do you then punish the tattler AND the offender or do you only punish the tattler?  I am really, really, really looking for some help on this one so if you have any ideas (teachers, moms, middle management!!!!) then I would really appreciate you passing along your brilliant strategies and theories!

3 - The Mess - The house, the yard, my car - everything gets so messy, so cluttered, so fast!  I know it will be long years before I can look forward to a home that isn't littered with toys, dirty clothes and random pieces of trash on a daily basis, but I need some help getting some help.  I've tried just about everything - a reward system, a consequence system, leaving it lay around til someone notices and picks up (I live in a house full of males though so this REALLY doesn't work - it just lays there until I'm crazy and I pick it up myself!), yelling, pleading, encouraging, making a game of it.  You name it, I've probably at least considered it.  It feels like all I do is run from room to room, picking up and then I turn around and can't see what I've done.  I know that this is probably just my lot in life for a while, but if you have any suggestions I am open to them.  I am constantly purging and organizing and looking for better methods of storage and will probably pull out my favorite reference on this today 'Coach Mom' by Brenna Stull for some encouragement and another idea to try and implement and see if it works for at least a little bit.  If you have any tools or books or websites that have worked for you - please pass them on.

4 - Day Care - Ok, this is just a bit of insecurity on my part.  The little ones have spent 2 days a week at their day care (the same one they were at while I worked last year) since I quit working again this spring.  I have pulled them out and yesterday was their last day.  In my gut, I know this was the right decision.  The entire situation was causing more stress and confusion than it was helping us out overall.  But I'm having a bit of mothers remorse for a moment.  After all, the teachers were great and really loved the kids.  They were getting socialization and a tiny bit of preschool curriculum.  They were out of my hair for a few hours a week.  The imminent future is looming though and today all I can see is long days without a break, the sole responsibility of kindergarten preparation and the slight chance that Scooter will backslide on his progress of coming out of his shell.  I am trying to remind myself that removing the financial burden is good, having a week that is not broken up by the kids schedule is great, and the chance to do more things like zoo trips and play dates is fantastic.  Chanting it to myself while the kids break into an argument over who gets to use what safety pin to transform their blankies into capes.  It's not working today.  I might need a word of encouragement and a reminder that I can totally do this!  I will revisit the possibility of a Mothers Day Out for them in January, but for the remainder of the year - they are with me for better or worse.

Alright, I know I am just being morose this morning and as my IV of caffeine is kicking in and waking up my overtired mind and body, I can see that I am being extremely whiny today.  But come on - I listen to whining all day long, am I not entitled to at least one morning of it myself?  And you get to be the recipient, poor soul, since I am trying not to whine and complain TO my children which would only breed more discontent.

OK - bucking up, getting moving, thinking about the pile of laundry in my hallway that needs to be washed, dried, folded and put away.  Maybe some magical fairy will land in my house today and it will do itself!

God Bless!

An Escape from the Madness . . .

Last night I escaped from my mad house for 5 minutes.  I decided that I needed to buy baby wipes at the corner drug store.  Obviously at this point of parenting with my little munchkins who are growing into little men, it wasn't a MUST HAVE AT THIS MOMENT supply.  I could have waited for this morning and the rest of my errands.  But I really needed that 5 minutes to myself, so off I went.

I have been in dire need of a girls night out for quite a while, but my 'girls' are spread out and just as busy as I am.  It's getting pretty hard to get things together so that I can run away from my much loved family for a much needed break.  So while I wait, I have to settle for the occasional night time errand and a nicely chilled glass of wine with my hubby once the monsters are in bed for the night.

Remember, I love my kids and have chosen to be home with them because I love spending time with them.  However, even the most patient of mothers can only handle so many arguments, tantrums, spills and craziness in one day.  And I am NOT the most patient of mothers.  Truth be told, I had actually already had a small break yesterday - it just wasn't enough.

Yesterday morning was my first MOPS meeting for my new MOPS group.  I've done this before at another church and found that I really loved the format.  But in my working-mom absence that particular group has disolved and evolved into another kind of moms group which I am sure is great, but I am really partial to MOPS so I found a new place to go.  For those of you not in the know, MOPS is Mothers of PreSchoolers and they have groups for not only stay at home moms, but working moms, teen moms and even prison moms!  It's basic format will put 50-70 women in one large room with either a speaker or a creative activity twice a month.  Moms are broken into smaller discussion or care groups of 8-10 with a leader/counselor and a mentor mom.  We eat brunch, complain about our hubbies, brag about our kids (or the other way around)and enjoy almost 3 whole hours without our little ones jumping around us and distracting us.  It's pretty darn awesome.

I was so excited about meeting new people and getting to know my new group, but really it wasn't all fun either.  After all, I had to leave Scooter and Riley in child care classes with teachers and kids they didn't know.  They both cried, but I knew Riley would get over it pretty quickly.  Scooter is Scooter, however, and I never really fully relaxed yesterday while I waited for some director to come find me and make me come get my inconsolable child from their classroom.  It didn't happen - thank goodness!  He wouldn't say he had a good time and he had refused to do most of the activities, but he did get to be line leader and he did like one teacher in particular who promised him that she would read him the 'Lightning McQueen' book again next time he came.

After the meeting we rushed home for a quick lunch and then we were out the door again so that I could take my two preschoolers with me to an OBGYN appointment.  Those of you who have ever dared this monstrous feat are probably cringing with me right now.  Luckily my doctor is absolutely fabulous and so is her staff.  They didn't worry too much about my slightly elevated blood pressure yesterday since I had spent the last 20 minutes trying to keep my kids from climbing all the waiting room furniture and jumping off and then from stealing the 'neat' plastic cups and individually wrapped wipes from the bathroom.  My doc, who is a mother of 4 herself, admirably kept her cool and smile while I tried to explain to Scooter why I was wearing a blanket instead of clothes for my appointment.  And the whole time, I was stressing about how long I was there since Tyler was going to beat me home and have to be a latch-key kid for the first time ever.

All in all - we survived.  I made it home just 10 minutes after Tyler so he feels super responsible and I didn't have to call in the reinforcements.  The little ones were rewarded for their 'good' behavior with a lollipop from Dr. P and a chocolate bar from me.  Once we settled in and got all the melted chocolate off kids faces and hands and Tyler was finished with his homework, I checked the mail.  I had received what I thought was my MOPS International magazine that is an automatic inclusion in my dues.  When I opened it I found instead 'welcome' gifts that included among other things a diaper bag id tag and a bright purple 'green' shopping bag.

After dinner, I opened the bag up and saw the big MOPS logo printed on the side with a tag line that read 'Friends don't let friends mother alone!'  Oh my - serious food for thought.  I mean, over the years I've heard a lot of 'Friends don't let friends . . .' lines like 'drink and drive', 'drunk dial an ex boyfriend', 'wear jeans that make your butt look big', 'over-treat your hair' or 'leave the bathroom with toilet paper stuck to your shoe'.  This is a new one for me, but I gotta tell you  - I love it.  Because this mothering stuff will take everything you have some days and then come back for more.

I thought back to my meeting yesterday which was mostly a whirlwind of beginning of the year announcements and explanations mixed in with a basic get-to-know-your-care-group question and answer session.  And in the midst of the essential, minor details of that meeting like how many kids we have and their ages, where we went to school and what we like to collect, were the seeds of what each of those moms needed from this group, if one took time to look closely.

There was a mom whose husband was diagnosed with ulerative colitis this summer whose condition is keeping him from interacting with the family regularly and hindering the support she needs with her mothers cancer diagnosis.  There is a mom with a 2 yr old and a 4 month old who is struggling with the juggling that having kids close together brings.  One young mother has a 20 month old daughter who would not let her own father (much less grandparents or other caregivers and relatives) hold her until she was 14 months old - she broke down in tears five minutes into our meeting, she REALLY needs this group and I started to cry with her.  Another is a mother of 4 which is a challenge all on it's own.  One mom has a first grader and a four year old and has just relocated here from OK where both she and her hubby are from and now has no support system.  There is a mother who is an engineer with 2 post grad degrees who loves being home with her kids, but is also still struggling with the much smaller world that this can force you into.  My group leader has a child in kindergarten and another that will start next year and she is dreading the idea of going back to work next year because she loves where she is right now.

And then there was our mentor mom.  It's her first year in this role.  She is very quiet and shy, but we were still able to gather that her 3 daughters and their children all live away.  Her husband of 48 years died a year ago from cancer.  She was once a dietician and nutritionist (I'm already planning on pumping her for info this year on what to do for Scooter!) and she loves to garden.  She was very sweet and I already love her.  She came up to me after the meeting to give me a hug which surprised me, but was very welcome.  I thought about her a lot last night and the reasons she might have for being a mentor mom in this program.

In my experience, mentor moms have been the givers of the group, most of them wise beyond their years.  They are usually heavily involved in their church and their childrens and grandchildrens lives.  They give advice when asked, but never push it on us. I've always kind of thought in the back of my mind that they were there for us, not the other way around.  M is changing my mind.  I think she needs us as much, if not more, than we need her.  I think she needs the companionship and something to do, although I could be wrong.  But think about how much and how often your kids need you when they are little and as they are growing.  Even now, I call my mom daily for advice and see her often.  What happens when your kids don't need you anymore?  What happens when you don't have a husband and 3 angels to watch over and care for?

Being a mom is so much of my identity these days.  It's most of who I am, although certainly not all.  I don't want to think about a future where my kids don't need me, even though I am doing my best to raise them to be independent, strong men who will hopefully not need me.  Ironic, hey?  What will I do if they move away from me?  What will I do if I someday lose my lover and friend, my husband?  Will someone be crazy enough to let me be a mentor mom one day too?  Will I be worthy of the title?

One of the biggest things I learn from MOPS is how to listen and keep my trap shut.  I feel myself wanting to jump in and offer advice before I can even stop to think whether or not it's good advice, but I get better all the time at staying quiet and just listening.  As a reward, sometimes I do get to offer gems of wisdom or humor.  Most of the time I find myself saying 'My mom says . . .' more than I care to admit.  But overall I'm just grateful to have some other moms to be with and support and have support me too.  I look at my mom who shares the burden of parenting and grandparenting with her closest buds and hope that I still have those kinds of friends 20-30 years from now too.  Being a mom is hard work and confusing most days.  You need all the support you can get and you need to be ready to support all the other moms you know too - no matter what stage of mothering they are in - because friends really don't let friends mother alone.

God Bless!

The Neverending Why

I had about 3 different things I was thinking of writing about today, but spending some quiet time with my little Scooter this morning has made me shift gears.  I love 4!  Don't get me wrong, there are definitely things about the age that are annoying and frustrating.  But for the most part, 4 is awesome.  Your child is so much more independent every day, finally getting to the point that they can do more, like not only dress themselves, but choose their clothes, get socks and shoes on themselves, remember to put dirty stuff in the hamper and help put clean clothes away.  They can go to the bathroom by themselves, get snacks for themselves, start a movie on their own and explain in detail why they are hurting and where as well as what the pain feels like.  There is less mind reading and more listening with a 4 year old.

And 4 year olds are really cool because they are starting to really try and figure out the world around them.  With Riley about to turn 3, I get the priveledge of seeing very clearly the difference between where Scooter just was to where he is now - all the time.  Riley learns more and sees more every day, but Scooter's world is expanding and it's so fun to listen to him and talk to him and watch him figure it all out.  He wakes up almost every morning with some specific agenda known only to him and ready to see it through.  He has a remarkable memory and imagination and hearing him reason things through and try to understand the intricacies of his little universe can be exhausting, but certainly entertaining.

I figured out a while ago on my parenting path that sometimes what a child asks you is more important than what they tell you.  How they ask a question and what the question is can be very telling when trying to figure out what's going on with your kid.  So one of the biggest guns in my mommy arsenal is 'What made you think of that? or Why do you need to know that today?'  Their answers to those questions can give me huge clues to what they are feeling and thinking and can also help me determine the level of detail they are looking for or needing on particularly complicated questions like 'How does God make babies?' or 'Why is Papa in Heaven?'

And 4 year olds will ask you just shy of a million questions a day.  Most of which start with 'Why . . .'  Why is the sky blue?  Why do you not like mustard?  Why can't I sit in the front seat?  Why does Tyler have to go to big school everyday?  Why does everything cost money?  Why did you forget to buy cherry fruit bars?  Why does the kitty run away from the dog?  Why does Grandpa have a beard?  Why does Uncle Matthew not have a car?  Why does Aunt Asheley live in Las Vegas?  Why did Aunt Doo move?  Why do squirrels eat all our pecans?  Why do Tigers have stripes?  Why do toads like the dark?  Why, why, why?

I answer why questions all day long and if you have ever done this before, you know how cute it is, but also how exhausting it can be.  And when you finally give up and say 'I don't know' they ask 'Why don't you know?'  Because mommy doesn't know everything.  'Why don't you know everything?'  See what I mean?  When people joke about the neverending why they aren't kidding.  It really doesn't stop.

And it doesn't stop.  As the kids get older the frequency of the 'why' decreases, but the intensity of their 'whys' increase.  Tyler's 'why' questions are getting a lot harder to answer.  'Why did our friend Rick die?', 'Why is my cousin Veronica sick?' 'Why are you and Daddy married to different people?', 'Why can't I be a Barrow too?', 'Why can't I watch that movie/tv show?', 'Why can't I look at that website?', 'Why can't I spend the night at my friends on a school night?'.  Questions that aren't always easy to answer, but they keep coming.

And this week, all 3 of my munchkins had the same 'why' for me.  'Why are you crying?'  I'm crying because I'm sad and this week sucks.  I'm crying because stuff is going wrong and crazy and hard and sometimes I don't get it either.  We've had lots of crappy stuff happen this week and even though I can explain some of it to Tyler, the younger ones are just too young to get it all.  And the truth is, I am screaming at Heaven myself this week 'WHY?'  Because our 'why' never ever ends, no matter how old we get.  There are just things that don't make sense and we won't ever get an answer to.  And when I am struggling with my own unanswered questions, it's harder for me to answer Scooter when he asks me why black ants only want to eat your food but red ants want to bite you.  It's impossible for me to explain to Tyler why God lets bad things happen to good people.

So I look at Scooter and tell him 'That's just the way God made the ants, honey.'  I sit Tyler down and hug him through his tears and tell him that even though we don't always understand it, we have to remember that God has a plan for everything and even though it seems like he's letting us hurt way too much at times, we will someday understand why He let us suffer for a bit - that there is a greater victory we can't see today.  And the whole time, I am praying 'Why?' in my own heart because I don't get it either.  I still ache and mourn the losses in my life too.  I just hope that someday God shows me the bigger picture and grants me the priveledge of seeing WHY.

I am so grateful for my children.  I am so thankful that I have the opportunity to see the world through their eyes.  I wish I had better answers for them some days, but I think God gave me these boys so that I can continue to find answers for myself as well.  How humbling it is, being responsible for teaching my children about everything from why bubbles float to how loving and giving their God and Creator is.  I am not sure why God entrusted their little souls to me, but I am hopeful that someday He will show me WHY.

God Bless

Nothing's Fair in Fifth Grade!

I'll be honest - at this particular moment I am not sure that I am going to survive Tyler surviving school.  It starts out so easy, at least it did for us, and so the complications we're seeing now are so hard to deal with!  Kindergarten was, of course, easy.  No homework & Tyler learned to read without any problems and when I went to his parent/teacher conferences, Mrs. Crump couldn't wait to tell me how wonderful my son was.  Joy!  I knew he was wonderful, but it was so nice to hear it from someone who wasn't biologically required to think so too.  I was pregnant with Scooter that year and Mrs. Crump said to me 'whatever you've been doing with Tyler, keep doing it and do it again with the next one - it's working'.  I now know those were deceptively flattering words that carried a big dollop of danger in them.

First grade wasn't much different really, we started homework and projects and then at his conferences I heard once again how great Tyler was and how he should be in the gifted program.  Yada yada.  I'll admit that during his spring conference that year while I sat there around 4 months pregnant with Riley watching Scooter at 14 months old and running around the room, getting into everything, while we talked that it probably wasn't always going to be this easy.  At some point, with one child or another, conferences and school were going to get harder.

5th grade is proving to be brutal so far for Tyler.  Even though he has a daily list of homework, he's forgetting to do some.  He's forgetting books or worksheets or spelling lists at school.  He loses 10 points off of each late assignment and gets a 'mark' for every little thing he forgets to do or doesn't bring in.  After so many marks in a six weeks, he will earn a detention.  Last week he brought home a progress report in the not quite complete 3rd week of school that included 2 B's, 1 C and (gasp audibly with shock here) a D!  Are you kidding me?  A 'D'?  After some serious inquiry I finally uncovered that he was failing to turn assignments or projects in at school on time too that weren't even on the 'you have to remember to do ALL your homework' spectrum.  I'm hearing a lot of 'It's not my fault' and 'It's not fair' these days.

The teachers asked at the beginning of the year that we don't coddle the kids, let them figure out how to do this on their own.  A friend who teaches 6th grade told me that it was better to let him screw up now so he was better prepared for next year when the work won't be so much review, but constant new concepts.  He'll be in junior high before I know it and he'll have to remember all of this on his own.  The teachers won't care.  But how can I let my normally straight A student fail?  Does fail just mean screw up or does it actually mean FAIL?

When your first grader comes home with straight A's it isn't really that much of a surprise.  After all, there isn't too much to mess up on and the teachers are still so 'helpful'.  As the years go by it becomes more of a challenge for the kids and a little more impressive.  And then somewhere along the line, without meaning to, you start to EXPECT the A's.  So, when they start slipping away it kind of feels like you've failed somehow. 

I was never a straight A student.  Probably not even in first grade, but I can't remember that far back.  I started kindergarten in Wisconsin at 4 where you did not have to be 5 until December back in the dark ages.  The state had evaluated me as they did all kids and told mom that I talked like I was in 2nd grade already (is this a surprise, really?  I am MJ's daughter!) and so of course I should go ahead and start school.  When my brother was evaluated 2 years later and they would ask him questions, he would answer 'You know', wondering why an adult was asking him such an obvious question when he clearly knew the answer.  He did a bit of prescribed preschool and was also ready to start at 4 (his bday being Sept. 17th), but we moved to Texas that June and Texas laws being what they were, Matthew was forced to wait a whole year, until he was just shy of turning 6 before starting kindergarten.  Since all of our bdays are in the fall, Asheley was also almost 6 a couple of years later when she started school.

I tell you all this because we are all intelligent people and were all good students.  And in the early years of school we all did well and there weren't any discernible differences.  However, once we got past those early years of elementary school the differences got BIG.  You will probably never hear me encourage a parent to let a child skip a grade or start school early because I know how hard it will eventually be.  Not in the beginning, but later - YES.  And I am not just talking scholastically, emotionally and physically I fell further behind the farther along I got in school.  Somewhere around 5th and 6th grade I started to just have to work harder.  My parents probably didn't really notice the difference until Matthew got to the same point and didn't have to do as much to get as far or farther, but eventually it was obvious to all of us.  I worked my butt off for the few A's, mostly B's and some C's that I received while Matthew coasted through with predominantly A work.  Some of this, I know, is also about differences in processing information, memory and personality (my husband also says that Matthew was just about every teacher's pet too, which of course didn't hurt), but there is most assuredly a portion that had to do with our ages.  Anyway, school was just harder for me and I always had to work for it.  Matthew got his wake up call in college and ended up figuring out he actually DID have to read material and study and now is one of the most prolific readers I know, but it took a while to get there.

The thing to remember in all of this long winded babble today, is that I was 10 in Sixth grade while Tyler is 10 in 5th.  And in the 6th grade, I kind of had a fall out on the working hard thing.  At some point it started to bother me that Matthew never had homework and I always did.  It began to rankle that all the other kids in the neighborhood were out playing kickball and dodgeball and tag while I sat inside doing homework for hours a night.  Granted, my mom had a strict rule that homework got done before play time (it was definitely a good rule and I use it myself), which other parents didn't do around us, but I felt like everyone else was playing while I was working and they were all okay in school so I should be too. 

So I just stopped.  Literally.  I just stopped doing homework for a while that spring, or at least most of it.  And I paid for it.  I'll never forget the day I got that report card.  So many D's I didn't know what to think.  I was really kind of shocked even though I should have expected it.  I got the grades on my way to the gym for the beginning of cheerleader tryouts.  There were only about 200 6th grade girls trying out for middle school cheerleader and I was going to be one of them.  The only problem was that this was the year that Texas was initiating it's 'No Pass - No Play' program and you had to show your report card to continue with the tryout process.  I turned around and went back to class.  Then I went home and waited for the hammer to fall.

I don't really remember getting the severe punishment that I expected.  I do remember my mom taking a much more active role in monitoring my work for a while, although it wasn't forever.  And I also know that even though I was in Band for years, the No Pass-No Play thing never affected me again.  I did the work.  I screwed up.  I occasionally missed an assignment and I certainly failed a test or two, but I don't think I ever failed a class again.  And if I did, it wasn't for lack of trying or for slacking off.  And it was only one class at one time, not all of them at once.  And through it all, I was determined to have at least one report card with straight A's on it so that I could prove at least to myself that I could do it too - not just my brother.  I didn't get that kind of grade report until I was in college, and it was the 2nd time I went to college in my late 20's and early 30's, not when I started college at 17.  Overall though, after that big screw up in 6th grade, I didn't take it for granted that I was going to just make it by without working for it ever again.  And I even pushed myself harder than I had to by enrolling in honors classes that I did well in, but might have kept me from the straight A report cards I really wanted.  I learned more for it though!

I spoke with the teacher who gave the D last night at a meeting for something else.  I told her I was shocked, but was trying to stay cool and let him figure it out.  She assured me that he had turned in the missing project and his grade would improve before report cards, but that for some kids it's important to SEE the low grade to understand how serious the teachers are about turning in the work on time.  She said that they don't want to see the kids fail either, but sometimes at the beginning of the year it's a good thing to let them falter a bit and regain the footing on their own.  Food for thought.

So last night when Tyler was crying because he had forgotten his spelling list at school and couldn't finish his homework and was going to get the final mark today that would mean his first detention ever, I decided to be firm and not coddling.  I told him I was sorry he was getting a detention, but there was nothing I could do about it.  I am not at school with him, he has to remember himself and if he can't he has to write it down and then LOOK at what he writes down.  His teachers can't remember for him either - they want him to be responsible for himself.  If he messes up, he has to pay the price and maybe that will help him to remember in the future.  Tears, tears and more tears.  He was going to ruin his reputation by getting a detention.  'ITSNOTFAIRITSNOTFAIRITSNOTFAIR.' I tried to explain that it wouldn't go on his permanent record, but he looked at me like I was from another planet.

I was very determined to let him suffer and pay the consequences.  And then he remembered that he has two friends in his class that we have phone numbers for.  'Can you call Mrs. T for the list mom?'  I glanced at the clock and saw that it was after nine, but I also knew they had been at the same meetings I had been at (and with their child) and they were probably still struggling with homework too.  I thought for a long minute and realized that there might just be too many lessons in this first six weeks for THIS particular family to deal with.  So, I told Tyler that he had to make the call himself and ask Mrs. T by himself for the list, explaining why he needed it.  Now, Mrs. T had actually gotten the list from me for her son who forgot his the last 2 weeks in a row, so she very sweetly read Tyler the list over the phone and he thanked her profusely before handing me the phone.  J and I then consoled each other on our irresponsible, but loveable children and compared notes on the teachers for this year so far and how one in particular seems to be very indecisive and unorganized, but the others seem to have it together.

I hope Tyler is learning his lesson.  I hope he pulls it together.  I can't do it all for him and he needs to know it.  He dodged a bullet last night, but he came up with the solution himself and made the call and request himself so maybe I'm not too much of a softie.  Hopefully he won't be as bullheaded as his mother and won't need a full report card of D's to see the light and know that he has to pull his own weight.  And at the end of the day, I hope we both survive the 5th grade and all the grades to follow without losing our minds, because it's not just 5th grade that isn't fair - it's kind of the rest of his life.

Thanks and God Bless!

We need a bigger bath tub!

Hello Friend.  I missed you!  I have neglected blogging (and many other responsibilities as well as comforts) for the last week or so in favor of getting some major work done on my two project rooms in my house.  We had a small family party here on Sunday and since most of that family doesn't come over often, I wanted to have some impact in those rooms.  It makes more of a statement when the walls you have built have color on them, right?

So for almost 10 days, I worked my tushy off on those rooms and my house which hadn't had an all-over/all-at-once cleaning since I started the project in July.  We sanded, mudded (is that a word?), spent hours figuring out the mechanics of a spray texture machine, painted, painted and painted.  And at the end, we got some trim up around two doors.  It's far from done, but it sure looks better!  And then I cleaned!  Yay!  How nice to have a fully clean house all at once again!

And in the midst of all this, I struggled to get dinner on the table, keep my little ones entertained and make sure homework got done.  It was crazy and by the end, I was exhausted.  And right smack in the middle of everything - the weather monster struck!

Most of you know that Dallas was hit by several tornados one evening last week.  In the midst of my own personal mayhem, I wasn't even aware that anything other than rain was happening.  It took a phone call from my mother asking 'Are you watching the weather?  You need to turn on the news!' to wake me up and get me out of my paint induced haze.  And when I flipped the station from Nick Jr. to the local news, they were showing tornados in the southwest corner of the metroplex live and in color.  The storms were headed in our general direction slowly but surely.

I continued making dinner and waiting for Scott to come home, watching the updates and reassuring Tyler.  We have never lived through a Tornado, but for some reason Tyler can't get it through his head that a Tornado Warning is not a guarantee that a Tornado IS going to hit our house.  He jumps to worst case scenario on this in the blink of an eye, every time.  I know, he probably takes after me a bit, but it's hard to be reassuring and honest at the same time.  He wants a guarantee and I can't give him one.  But at this particular moment, we weren't even having rain.  It was sunny and calm, but not that eerie stillness that can be scary during storm weather.

So, I stayed calm and worked to keep him calm too.  'No, I don't know for sure if we'll get hit by a tornado or not, but everything is south of here right now.  We just need to watch the weather.  Yes, we'll know if it's coming.  We'll hear a siren, see it on the news and go to safety just to be sure.  Yes, we'll go in our bathroom, it's the safest place in the house.  Yes, I know the news said a closet, but our closets are either too small or on an exterior wall, the bathroom is safest.  Yes, if it's coming we'll get a mattress from Scooter's room and hold it over our heads for safety.  No, we don't need to take the sheets off.  If a tornado does actually hit our home, even though that's not very probable, we won't really care about the sheets.  Honey, I don't know where it's going next because I can't hear the announcer when you are asking me all these questions.'  Get the picture? - It was crazy.  This is the payback I get from being an excessive worrier - I have bred another one!

Tyler doesn't worry about everything as much as I do, but he does worry about weather.  Since he was pretty young he has sat glued to the tv watching maps of yellow, orange and red swirls and asking repeatedly where we were on the picture whenever storms were racing through.  He reminds me of my Grandma Eastman who used to chase us all into the basement for most thunderstorms regardless if there was a threat of something worse or not.

Still, even as I watched a tornado touch down just south of us in the northern part of downtown I stayed pretty even-keeled.  I listened as I heard it was near Children's hospital, knowing my cousin was there, and thought about how close that was but just prayed she and the other patients were safe in the massive building.  Scott came home and we sat down to dinner, Tyler firing another million comments and questions in his direction.  When the tornado dissipated a little bit, we heard one of the announcers say that if the storm continued on it's current trajectory it could come towards Richardson and we had to calm Tyler down all over again. 'They said IF Tyler, plus that's still miles away and they said it's losing strength.'

Okay, here's the problem with answering all of my son's questions that night - by the time we would get through an explanation, the situation had changed again since everything was happening so quickly.  We started to hear chatter about the storm being near the High 5, which is less than 4 miles from my house.  We looked at each other, at our dinners, at our sleeping Riley who had passed out on the couch and continued to eat, telling Tyler that everything was fine.

As we took another bite of dinner, we heard the sirens.  I've lived in this house five years and never actually heard the Richardson sirens, although Scott swears they have gone off before.  Scott and I looked outside at our backyard bathed in sunlight and at each other, wondering what to do.  I said 'they just said south of the High 5 twenty seconds ago, are they just being preventative?'  After all, you want to keep your family safe, but you don't want to freak them out unnecessarily either.  Then I looked at the tv again and saw a map that chilled me to the bone.  Clear as day, 75 and Arapaho were on the screen with a big red blob right over our house and through a haze I heard the words 'Richardson' and 'Take Cover'.

'Okay - let's go to the bathroom everyone' I announced and scooped Riley off of the couch.  I have to admit I expected Scott to smile at me and not follow, but he did - gathering animals on his way.  Tyler had just asked about the dogs 5 minutes earlier and I had said they could come in the bathroom, but not the bathtub.  I wasn't actually planning on getting in the tub myself yet at this point.  I just wanted the kids there, but with Riley sleeping on my shoulder and Scooter looking at me like I was crazy, I piled in the tub with all 3 of my munchkins.  Scott made several departures to grab our phones, a radio, a flashlight and to find the hiding kitten who then found herself in the tub too.  Scott checked the tv screen on each trip and the weather outside as well.  Tyler kept asking about the mattress, but since it's literally 8 feet from the bathroom door, I told him we'd get it if things got loud or lights started flickering.  After all, the bathroom was already pretty crowded without adding a mattress.

We hung out in that little 6x6 sanctuary for about 10 minutes.  Eight souls, trusting God to keep us safe.  Protecting the kitten from our exuberant puppy and reassuring Scooter that everything was fine.  I stayed as calm as I could for my children and was surprised at how calm I actually was.  This was the first time we had ever had to make this particular move as a family.  The first time I had actually put one of those neverending 'what if' scenarios running through my head into action.  I had very clear thoughts about how Scott could grab the mattress and jump in the tub and we could use our combined weight to help anchor the children if we really did get hit while Scott held the mattress over our heads and I held on to all 3 of my kids who I am sure that with superhuman mom strength I would be able to keep in the tub with me.  I did think all of these things, but I didn't let them show on my face and I really wasn't panicked about it either.  I kind of had this feeling that we were fine because we were all together.  And the practical part of my brain was also telling me that the chances of a tornado actually hittiing my house were pretty slim.

However, I have to be honest with you, these weren't my only thoughts.  Normally with my aforementioned EWWS (Excessive Worry Wart Syndrome - my name for it), you would think that all I would be obsessed with was my kids and husband and our safety, but I really wasn't.  I was thinking of it, yes.  But, I was also thinking of my house.  Honestly, I was sitting there thinking - of course a tornado is going to hit my house today because I just finished painting the stupid rooms that I just built.  Two months of work will be completely gone!

Now, to put this in perspective, you must know that there have been times in my daydreams that our house was demolished in some strange way.  Whatever the culprit was, it would of course leave all my cherished memories, pictures and tv in tact, but would require us to receive a huge insurance check and rebuild.  And certainly, none of us would be here when whatever it was happened.  I know this sounds terrible, after all Scott worked very hard to buy this house way before we were together and this isn't something I REALLY want to happen at all, but I admit to you, my friend, that the thought has crossed my mind.

I have a serious love/hate relationship with this house.  First of all, I love my HOME.  I love the warmth and happiness and comfort of it.  I love that it's on a huge tree filled lot on a cul-de-sac where my kids get to play in relative safety.  I love that this is where my babies were conceived and then brought home to.  I love the neighborhood and my dear neighbors.  I love the pictures on the walls and the voices that fill the spaces.  Most of all I love the peace that I feel when I walk in the door because it's home.  The HOUSE is another matter altogether.  I hate the cracks in the walls from the foundation problems that were fixed before Scotty moved in.  I hate the teeny tiny closets and the miniscule bathrooms.  I don't like the fact that my laundry room is in my kitchen or that the driveway and fence look like they belong in a run down trailer park.  It drives me crazy that all the doors in the house either stick or don't stay closed.  Whenever it rains, we get flooded in both the front and back yards which not only means walking through a lake to get to our cars, but also that grass in certain areas has serious challenges staying rooted in soil.  When something breaks or needs upgrading, even the smallest of things, I want to cry because I have learned the hard way that replacing, fixing or upgrading things in a 50 year old house is never easy - it's a complicated disaster that ends up costing 3 times what it should.

So over the years, Scotty and I have come to a serious compromise.  We'll stay here because we love it here, but we are going to fix the house so that it works for our growing family, even if it takes us 10 years.  Project #1 - Turn front room with no descernible purpose into large 4th bedroom and because they are attached and entertwined, expand and prettify the entryway.  There are a gazillion projects on this list, but we are very comfortable with doing one at a time and taking our time.  Unless we win the lottery, in which case all bets are off and we start a new plan from scratch.

Still, since we were finally beginning our renovation and upgrading process and because I had worked so hard all summer and most especially that week - as I sat in the bathtub contemplating tornados and their damages, I think it was pretty normal to be considering the potential destruction of my two front rooms.  And maybe even healthy!

After all was said and done, a friend texted me to tell me that Richardson was all clear.  I ventured to the living room and confirmed that all trace of red, orange and yellow had left our area of the map and I allowed my family out of their little prison cell.  I cleaned up our forgotten dinner and smiled when Tyler said that even though it was kind of scary, he liked that we were all together in the bathroom and had some extra family time.  I called my mom to tell her that we were all right and to check on Veronica and Greg who had ridden out the storm at Children's.  And when Scooter looked up at me and said 'Mommy, I think we need a bigger bath tub', I laughed.  I couldn't agree more!  Yes, honey, I thought, Project # 269 on our list is definitely a bigger bathtub.

Thanks and God Bless!

Parenting - the sacrifice . . .

Do you ever catch sight of yourself in the mirror and wonder - what happened?  What happened to my nice trim, perky little body I used to have (and didn't have to work for)?  What happened to my face - where did that wrinkle come from?  Where did those 3 new gray hairs come from?  And then the three little monsters you gave birth to come racing through the room fighting over ONE toy and you remember.  Oh yeah - that's what happened.

I was reading an old friend's blog this week who was having some behavior problems with her pre-teen and thanks to some divine intervention, she had the idea to sit down and tell that son some of the sacrifices she had made for him because she loves him (thanks JHL - great read!) and it got me to thinking about what we sacrifice to be parents, most especially to be moms. 

Our Bodies - Since the moment my first was conceived, my body has not really been just mine anymore.  It has been a warm, cozy home to 3 children.  And those pregnancies brought a myriad of aches, pains, headaches, sickness, stretching, kicks and overall hurt to my body.  The labors and births were all painful on a scale I never thought I would ever endure - and I did it twice without pain medications at all.  Nursing is not always comfortable and can be super painful at times.  My children have used my body as a pillow, a sanctuary, a punching/kicking bag, a pacifier, a security item, a personal traveling device, a surface to puke on, a place to fall asleep and stay asleep, a climbing jungle gym and countless other things over the years.  It's a beating.  My back and neck are shot from carrying heavy infant carriers around and heavy babies and spending months crouched over nursing babies.  There are parts of my body that used to stand up on their own but now are sagging and misshapen.  My fingernails were never the greatest, but they don't stand a chance against countless car seat buckles and knots in shoelaces.  My knees creak now from endless hours of bouncing and walking cranky babies to sleep.  My nose has been slammed by hard little heads so roughly that I thought it might be broken more times than I can count.  My arms have some serious muscles from carrying kids - at times two at once - around for long periods of time.  My hips have spread to a point that I will never look super skinny again.  My belly may never see a firm six pack in this lifetime.  Even my belly button has changed shape over the years and looks weird to me.  And I have friends who have gone through hormone treatments, in-vitro and c-sections to have their kids - I can't even imagine.  For every ache and pain and change in my body, there are those of you out there who have been through much worse and I applaud you.  Parenting is not for the weak.

Sleep - I know that I used to sleep hard and long with no problem at all, but I can't really remember what that's like.  Sleeping in pregnancy is difficult, especially towards the end.  Sleeping with a newborn in the house is a pipe dream.  Over the years I have gotten to be such a light sleeper that the smallest sound in the house wakes me at a moments notice.  Between nursing and sick babies, I have been woken up so many times in the night that I barely recognize a solid night's sleep when it happens anymore.  I envy my husband the ability to sleep through the little sounds and only wake up for the big cries and serious issues.  I am so jealous of the fact that a kid can crawl into bed with us during the night and he won't even know they are there until morning.  They don't come and stand at his side of the bed and just stare until you 'feel' them there and wake up knowing something is off.  They don't climb over him to find a good spot or use his arm in some strange position as a pillow for hours at a time, killing all circulation.  They don't wander over to his side very often, just push closer and closer to me so that I am practically falling off of the bed.  I also wish I had his ability to fall BACK to sleep after a nighttime or early morning upheaval.  After all, they do sometimes wake him before me and they do sometimes decide that sleeping sideways between us, shoving a head into one of our ribcages while their feet pummel the other one's stomach is a good idea.  But Scotty can just fall right back to sleep and then sleep late.  Once I'm awake, I'm awake.  Especially if it's after 4 in the morning.  I almost always am the one to get up with the early risers in our house because once I hear them moving around I am awake and won't fall back to sleep anyway.  And since he is our provider and gets up every morning to work for our sakes, I try and let him sleep in a little bit.  But after I've been up on my own with the munchkins for 2-3 hours, my patience and good Christian attitude about his sleep falter and I start nagging him to get up and help.  And heaven forbid he fall back asleep on the couch (how can he do that?), I will have a total fit.  He doesn't sleep as much as he used to anymore either, I know.  Anyway, I don't know if my sleep patterns will ever recover since teenage years are looming with Tyler and I know that like my mom, I will be listening for his safe return home before I really sleep solid during the night.  The good news is, my kids probably won't be able to sneak out of the house during the night because I would probably hear them the instant they made a move towards a door or window.

Privacy & Modesty - You know how all those design shows on tv and Extreme Home Makeover always stress how your master bedroom should be your 'sanctuary' and how it should be peaceful?  How it should be a place for you to escape to and recover and rejuvenate so you can go back to your life?  I don't think a single one of them has ever had a child, seriously.  My room isn't a sanctuary for me and my hubby.  It's home base for our lives.  The kitchen might be the hub of a home, but mom's room is where kids go for comfort and love and warmth.  When my kids don't feel good or they are tired, they want to snuggle into my bed.  When one or more kids is occupying the main tv, they want to watch the one in my room so they can see the show they want.  My room has become a dumping ground for toys, shoes, clothes and who knows what else.  If something can't be found, we always look under my bed first.  It's always the last room to get cleaned because it's such a challenge to keep it that way.  I can't remember what it was like to go to the bathroom by myself or take a shower without an interruption.  Even though my oldest would never consider following me into a public restroom anymore, he doesn't think twice about barging in my bathroom door at home to ask me something he needs an answer to right that moment.  He now locks the door when he's using the restroom or showering or changing (okay, not stupid, I know what that COULD mean since he's 10, but I honestly don't think we're there yet), but still wanders into my room without knocking when I might be doing the same. (We're working on this one, but it's slow).  But the little ones need me when they need me so I am available to them whenever - even if I'm just trying to shave my legs.  I guess it's okay since after giving birth 3 times in rooms full of family and strangers, I don't have much dignity left anyway.  The kids listen in on my phone conversations & absorb every word I say to visitors (although why they can selectively hear when I ask them to do something is beyond me).  Someday I dream of having a mommy-only deluxe bathroom and sitting room that even Scotty is not allowed in so that I can bathe and pamper myself and read in peace.  It's only a fantasy, I know, but I look forward to at least the door being knocked on before a barge-in sometime in my future.

Sanity - Some people's sanity is challenged just trying to become parents.  Fertility and lifestyle issues can be challenging.  Alternative conceptions and adoptions are mountains to climb and overcome.  I salute these parents, because parenting itself can challenge the most sane & healthy mind and soul.  I, luckily, did not have any problem becoming a mom.  On the other hand, I had a couple of 'I'm what?  I'm pregnant?  How did that happen?  Now, what am I gonna do?' moments which kind of set the tone, if you know what I mean.  Still, once you are a parent, by whatever means, your emotional and mental well-being is compromised.  You aren't just caring for your own mind and spirit anymore, you are responsible for another soul.  It's daunting.  And it's insane.  The worries and fears of parenting can threaten your mental stability.  The noise level in a house like mine with kids screaming, dogs barking, tv blaring, phone ringing on a daily basis could drive a level-headed person over the edge.  The constant battles for power within your own home are draining.  The ever present need to make sure the world is fair to your children while you try to teach them to be fair to others can make you weary.  And let's not forget the insanity of school.  Homework, mean kids, incompetent teachers (there's really only a few but they are definitely worth mentioning), fundraisers, volunteer requests, projects, report cards, PTA and extra-curricular activities are all just small parts to making sure that your kids get a decent education and are in some small way prepared for college or a job or life.  Worrying about what school, holding back or pushing forward, what programs, if kids are really getting the material - this will all drive you mad.  And of course, these things are just the tip of the iceberg - what about team sports?  How do you know what to get your kid involved in and what not to bother with?  What if you enroll your child in dance and gymnastics at 3 because that's the only way they can do Dance Team or Cheerleading in highschool anymore only to find out at 13 that they have no interest whatsoever and only want to be an artist?  What if you miss their 'calling'?  What if you had only enrolled them in tennis or golf instead of soccer and baseball?  What if they were the next Pavaratti but you never got them a music lesson?  Seriously, parenting is a myriad of questions - better make sure you have a good therapist before you start!

Money - What if I wasn't a mom?  Where would I be?  In a bigger house.  In a different city.  In some fabulous rewarding career that paid me tons of money.  Searching for a half-million dollar vacation home in Tahiti.  On an archaeological dig in the south of France.  Definitely in designer clothes with a sporty new car that is NOT a mini-van and NOT inundated with discarded wrappers, forgotten toys and crumbs - lots of crumbs.  We certainly make lots of choices in our life and prioritize how we spend our money based on those choices.    Scotty and I don't spend tons of money on fancy nights out and romantic getaways.  We don't over spend on a bigger, nicer house.  We don't drive expensive luxury cars or wear Italian leather shoes.  We need a new fence, but we need another bedroom and fresh, clean carpet more.  We don't buy every electronic gadget that comes out on the market.  But we do spend money on things like enrolling the kids in karate or soccer or cub scouts.  We don't get eachother presents much, but we make sure the kids have great birthday parties and Christmases.  Raising kids costs money, this is undeniable.  I don't work outside of the home trying to make a fortune because it's more important to us that we are with the kids, raising them ourselves as much as possible.  I don't get my nails done or buy expensive clothes or drive a Lexus, but my kids have their mom home all the time, clipping coupons most days and making it work.  Scott could have a higher paying job, but it might require him to work longer hours and travel extensively.  Same principle, it's better for us if he's home more.  Some of my friends have spent a lot of money becoming parents with fertility treatments and adoption fees, and that's before the kids are even here needing to be fed and clothed - I am grateful I have only had to worry about copays and coinsurance.  We know we probably aren't going to retire to Italy in luxury and will have to scramble to put the kids through college.  But, really, who wants to go to Italy when your kids are hopefully going to give you grandkids to love right here?  Surely we would be better off financially without children, but we would be way less happy and way more boring.

All this thought of sacrifice for children has, of course, led me to thoughts of my own parents and what they gave up for us kids.  All that I could possibly think of and more.  All that I do and have done and more.  My parents didn't go out every weekend or take expensive vacations.  They stayed in a smaller house for years so they could afford to let us do things like take school trips, go to church camp and play instruments in band.  They certainly sacrificed their sanity watching us make sometimes crazy and unwise choices as we grew.  They most definitely sacrificed on sleep, especially my mother.  They gave up their time for us too, spending weekends watching endless hours of track meets and band competitions so they could be there to support us for the ten minutes we actually performed.  Blood, Sweat and Tears.  That's parenting.  And my parents were fabulous at it - are still amazing at it.  And they were so good at it that we didn't ever have to stop and think what it might be costing them to do it.  I hope that's what I am giving my kids too.  I don't want them to have to think about what being their mom does to my body, mind or wallet too much.  But, if I do my job well then they will learn from example how to be good parents too, just like I did.

Overall there's a lot of sacrificing in parenting.  But there's a lot of change and growth too.  I sacrifice out of love.  Love for these little men I am raising.  My Holy Father sacrificed much more for me than I could ever do for my children, but I live by his example.  I give to my kids until there's nothing left and then I give some more.  I think alot, too, about how much my kids have changed me.  I was never good at handling pain, but I managed 3 pregnancies and births.  I always had a horrific fear of needles and avoided them whenever possible, but with my first pregnancy I found that a little prick was nothing in the face of ensuring the health of my child.  I have never liked drinking after others, especially kids (my mom is still ticked about the time I wouldn't hand over my water at the state fair when she was having a choking/coughing fit), but 3 kids later I can now let my 2 year old take a messy gulp of my water and then finish the glass (those who know me well, know this is HUGE).  And the best part of parenting, for me, the biggest thing that I have learned is the denial of self.  That sounds bad, I guess, but think about it - before you were a parent the first thing you thought of every morning was you.  The last concern before you went to bed was you.  What will I wear?  What will I do?  How will I feel?  Me, me, me.  Not anymore.  My first and last thought every day have something to do with my children, or my husband - my family.  So the biggest sacrifice we make in parenting is sacrifice of self, which I think is a good thing.  I know I have to take care of myself to be the best mom I can, but even that is done with the goal of taking care of my family.

Being a mom, making that sacrifice every minute of every day, makes me a better person.  It just makes me more.  And look at the reward - the payoff.  Look at those faces, those smiles.  Loving Sacrifice - worth every single second!

I've just read this through and think that it looks like I am trying to martyr myself, but that wasn't the goal.  I just wanted to reflect on what it takes out of you to parent.  Hope you got that - and know that I am also celebrating your sacrifice too!

Thanks and God Bless!