I have this really rough hewn theory about parenting. It's basically that whatever your strengths and weaknesses are as a person don't really change when you become a parent, they just become more amplified. If you are not patient, you won't magically become patient when someone hands you a squirming armful of baby. You are probably going to be short tempered and want to pull your hair out and scream alot when the baby doesn't want to do anything but cry. If you are by nature a giver, you are not going to have to work at giving to your children, it will just be easier all the time and help you give to more and more people, including your children. If you are not good at cleaning house and managing money before kids, it's only going to get worse once you have little ones running your days. If you are by nature a teacher, it will be automatic to teach your children and will be easy for you.
This is not to say that we are not capable of change and that parenting doesn't change you, because it most certainly does. As a parent you will definitely pick up a lot of new skills along the way and being a parent will provide you with countless opportunities to improve your weak traits and will eventually change the shape of your core, if not the essence of your character. For love of your child, you will climb countless mountains and find new and sometimes drastic ways to enhance the person that you are.
Wow that sounds lofty and pedantic. All this to say - there are some things that I am really awesome at in the mothering arena, and there are some things at which, I really suck. I am great at reading to my kids and showing them joy and thankfulness for who they are. I am excellent at teaching my kids to communicate, especially their feelings. However, I know I let them watch too much tv and none of my kids eat enough fruits and vegetables. Not really a surprise since I am a reader, writer and talker and I love tv and don't eat enough fruits and vegetables myself. Who I am influences both how I parent and who my kids are becoming. Modeling, modeling, modeling.
One of my greatest strengths as a person, and therefore as a mother, is that I am a great multi-tasker and I work well under pressure. So even though there are many, many times that I want to pull my hair out because there are 3 kids that need constant attention in my life and that come with a multitude of scheduling demands and changes - I can usually figure it out and swing it. It may take 2 parents, multiple cars, some grandparents and aunts and uncles, but I will usually recruit the necessary resources and people to make the time management craziness work. We get the job done because I can mostly keep everything straight in my head, think outside the box and organize a solution. Skills I have definitely picked up from my mother, the 'Great Organizer'.
However, one of my greatest weaknesses as both a person and as a mother is that I am a control freak. In my great multi-tasking, organizational brain there is a major flaw that tells me that I can do it better myself. This has led to me working myself into corners at countless jobs and left me with more work on my plate than I can handle more times than I can remember. I've done it at school, work, church, charities, for parties and at home. And as bad as it is for just a normal woman to be this way, it's worse as a mom. It translates into a lot of areas, but for me the area that it shows its head the most is 'other kids and their parents'.
When Tyler became friends with the boy next door, Jerry, they were both 5 and finishing kindergarten. They were instant best buddies even though it had taken almost a year for them to cross the alley to play with each other. I found out immediately that I was not good at all at the neighborhood friend thing. This frustrated me because I am still friends with many of the kids I grew up with in my neighborhood - I am even married to one! We did everything together, played with each other and in each others homes all the time. We were in and out of houses, our parents never knowing exactly where we were, just that we were on the street somewhere with our buddies. But as a parent, I couldn't do it. I couldn't let go and just let Tyler run free.
Mostly this was me wanting to be in control, but it was also partly a language barrier. Jerry's English was spotty and his parents was minimal. I didn't have enough confidence in my spattering of Spanish to attempt an actual conversation so I couldn't really get to know Jerry's mother and get a feel for her as a person or a mom. (Funny though, when I was in Mexico drinking lots of Cerveza and Tequila, I had no problem stretching my 8 yrs of Spanish education muscles.) What I could do though, was see into her yard because they only have a 4 ft. chain link fence. So I let Tyler play in the yard with Jerry, biting my tongue when they jumped on his trampoline with no safety net, right next to the fence and a really big tree. I held my breath when I saw her leave both her kids alone outside on the back porch with a 3 ft. high inflatable pool, the younger son Randy being only 9 months older than Scooter. And I let Jerry come in our house and play in our backyard over and over again. Eventually I let Tyler play inside their house too and I can now let him go without checking in every 10 minutes and without worrying constantly, watching out my window at what they are doing. Now Randy comes over to play with Scooter and Riley, which they love. I am not ready for Scooter to go over there by himself though and to be honest it will probably be a while. Randy is welcome here though, especially now that he's in kindergarten and after completing his head start program last year he can understand much more of what I am saying to him. I know that it's okay to let them go, but it's really hard because when they are over there - I have no control whatsoever.
And now I have a new challenge to my control freak parenting style. Tyler has been assigned a huge research project with 2 other classmates. Luckily, they are kids that I know and know their parents. At first, the other parents were quiet and I didn't hear anything from them about getting the kids together so I let my organizational self get things started. I emailed the other 2 moms and offered my home for the initial research and designation of duties. The other parents hadn't even been aware there was a project. One of the moms offered to have a work/sleepover instead. My initial gut reaction was NOOOO. I would have no control and couldn't help organize. But in the name of working on my own flaws, I kept my mouth shut and agreed. The kids dad was pumped up, the kids were going to work on the project Sat afternoon and then have fun the rest of the time. I told him I was most concerned about them dividing up the work and keeping things as even as possible so could he take notes?
I had a very bad feeling when the dad sent me an email designating duties BEFORE the sleepover which showed the 3rd kid doing all the research, my kid doing all the image, chart, map and visual aid retreival and his kid compiling everything. I had read the project guidelines and rubric and knew how heavy the research component was. I knew how many charts and graphs and maps were going to be required. I didn't think that pulling those things off of flash drives and onto a power point presentation was going to come anywhere near the level of work required by the other two boys. I wanted to argue, but instead I told Tyler that he needed to make sure that J didn't get stuck with all the research and to try and make sure things stayed fair. When I dropped him off, I said to the boys in front of N's dad, 'When you start working, if it seems like one of you has more than another to do, change the plan and make sure it stays fair.' And I went on my way. Score one for the mom who is trying very hard to not be a control freak! Yay! Or so I thought.
Last night I got a phone call from N's mom (they are divorced, but do their best to co-parent). She was upset because first of all, she had let her ex handle the project in the first place and she felt like he had screwed up. Then she started telling me that J & N had done their research, but Tyler hadn't. ????? I'm sorry - I know Tyler has his issues, but researching is not one of them. Her ex had complained that Tyler didn't know how to cut and paste off of the internet. I said, well - they aren't supposed to be cutting and pasting off of the internet except for maybe pictures and Tyler does know how to do that. Have you read the project guidelines? No. Has J? Well, he has now, but not before the kids started. Her son had told them the project is due next week, which it is not and so she can chill out about thinking it has to be done today. I explained that Tyler had been in a sour mood all day and I hadn't talked to him yet about the work done over the weekend. I also said that J had called today and mentioned that the kids had divided up the 4 areas of research and which one was Tyler's and I thought that was a good move. I told her that this project was huge and there was no reason to think that the kids were going to get it all done in one weekend and that it was really important per the requirements that they each had a hand in all different phases of the project and presentation. Her ex had let the kids start with filming their video on Saturday for the presentation even though I had told Tyler that there was no way for them to do it before the research (and the dad should have known this too, duh!) and then when he read the project guidelines late Saturday night, he had realized his mistake and put the kids to work doing actual research on Sunday morning. Not knowing this, I had sent Scott to pick Tyler up 2 hours before the designated pick up time since our schedule wouldn't allow for him to stay there all day. So here they were complaining Tyler hadn't done his share when they had just started working on it when he got picked up.
I should have just held my ground and had the kids here or insisted that it was parents & kids time, not just a play date with some homework mixed in. This is what happens when I don't follow my gut. Now I have to bridge the gap between the two other moms since before this weekend they didn't know each other. Now I have to fix the problem and be the organizer anyway. And it sucks because there are hurt feelings and frustration all around that will have to be mended too. I should have went with my strength on this one and not tried to improve my weakness. At the end of the day, I am the only one of these moms who read the report guidelines and I am the only one who has a kid who had even told me about the project (a plus considering Tyler's own forgetfulness of late). And even though J is considered the smartest kid in the 5th grade at Tyler's school, he's shy and his mom is even more so, so I have to be the outgoing, levelheaded, organized mom to make this work.
The funniest thing about all this to me is the mom thinking Tyler was slacking off. I talked to him about the whole thing last night and found out that he had been frustrated right away because all N wanted to do was create this video but there had been no plan, just fun. He had felt 'funny' because he knew they weren't doing what they were supposed to be doing. He didn't think N was very nice and had grumbled a lot while Tyler and J were doing the initial planning and organizing work. The kids were paired together by their teacher because they had scored similarly on the multiple intelligence tests with Logical/Mathematical being the strongest for all three. I don't doubt that N does fall in this boat because I've seen him in action, but I have also hosted him more than a few times and seen him do presentations in class before. He's smart, but he's sullen and lazy at times. Scott thinks he's a smart a--. At Tyler's bday sleep over, he was the one that caused most of the small issues we had with five 10 yr old boys trying to play together fairly. He can be very sweet, but he has to be prodded to do the work or to play fairly (he's also the only only-child in this particular crew - surprise? the rest of them know how to share because they have to every single day, not N).
At the end of the day, these boys have to figure out how to work together. They have to find a way to get the project done fairly and sufficiently. Which means that as parents, we have to figure it out as well. I guess I am going to have to take on my normal role of instigator and organizer. This is the role that often gives me the labels of pushy, bossy and another 'b' word, but it also gets the job done. So much for me trying to grow in the process or trying to let go of some control. I am going to have to rely on my strengths this time. And I am going to have to find a way to help Tyler figure out what his are too, so that he knows what role on a team he fulfills best. Is it the brains behind the machine or is it the organizational leader? Is it the mediator and peacemaker or the worker bee and motivator?
And, I have to keep my cool and not complain about the other kids or parents in front of him either. Grumble, grumble, sigh. Modeling, modeling, modeling. Some times it bites! Go with your strengths on the big stuff. Work on your weaknesses on the little stuff. Lesson learned. Next!
God Bless!
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