and I am supposed to teach him to drive too? . .

Is there time to blog this morning? Probably not, but I am gonna try and cram a quick one in anyway.

Short version: Tyler reached a 'crisis' this week regarding his school work. He very responsibly chose not to go to his Pack meeting on Tuesday night because he had way too much homework. Turned out it was a lot of unfinshed work from daily assignments. We worked until 10 to get it all done. I asked him what was going on but all I got was how it was too much and he wasn't good at it. Looks like the material isn't too much for him, but organizing, multi-tasking and prioritizing is more than he can handle right now. I understand that these are learned skills and it will take time. I also know that his mom is a pro on these things and he will eventually be great at them.

He broke down crying. I prepped him for his really bad report card that is most assuredly arriving next week. He was so mad at himself. I told him the story of when I screwed up big time myself in 6th grade. I promised that if he asked for help I would be here to work with him, but he had to listen to what I was saying and try. He promised that next six weeks would be better. I believe him because I think he finally gets it.

But I am also starting to see that I might not be the best person to help him with his homework. Whenever I answer questions or try to help him, he seems to take it as criticism or revert to whining about how stuff is hard or not fair. It's very hard to stay calm. I have always been good at working with different kids and figuring out how they learn and explaining things to them (ask my sister, she'll tell ya!) but with Tyler I just screw up over and over again.

My thoughts drift forward a few years and I worry already about teaching him to drive. Honestly, I am so like my mother I am pretty sure that I am not going to be the best person for this. I took everything my mom said as criticism and impatience. I hated the way she hissed and slammed her foot into the floorboard every time I hit the brakes. My dad might have been freaking out on the inside too, but he was way better at hiding it and appearing to be patient and calm. I don't want to break down and yell at Tyler in frustration and end up causing an accident. I think I better start prepping Scotty for this duty now so there is no question who's handling it when Tyler starts to drive.

The good thing is all my kids drive those motorized cars around our yard like pros. I know you think that might not be anywhere near the same thing, but remember how difficult it was to learn how to back up by turning the wheel the opposite direction? It felt weird and uncomfortable so it was one of the trickiest things to learn. My 2 year old already does this like a pro. It's hysterical to see. He doesn't even think about it, just props one arm around the passenger seat like his dad, glances over his shoulder and steers backwards with one hand like a seasoned driver. My kids will all either be excellent drivers or extremely reckless.

The thing is, I am a good driver and a fairly decent teacher. Maybe personality traits in the other two kids will offer me the opportunity to be the driving instructor, but I am pretty sure that Tyler and I are too much alike to make that work successfully. Certainly with Tyler I am screwing up at the homework thing. I keep losing my temper when he doesn't listen or let me teach. He might think I can't teach him like his teachers, I am not sure.

But what do I do? It's not like he's struggling with the material and needs a tutor. I would gladly get him one if I thought that would work. He just needs an occasional question answered or a reminder of operations processes for long division. He needs prodding to keep working on the homework until it's done. I feel like I have lost my grip or my footing or whatever when I went back to work and let him do all his homework at daycare. I didn't have to face it and got out of practice or something.

I'm furiously flipping through ideas for how to help Tyler all day every day right now. It's hard because he's way too much like his mom. He has my temper, my stubborn streak, my tendency to procrastinate and my sarcastic sense of humor. Luckily, he also has my ability to adapt and adjust, a willingness to apologize and make amends when we screw up and a major capacity for forgiveness. I'm struck with the irony. I am very good at helping others but not always good at helping myself. Tyler is so much like me that I am sometimes stuck on how to help him too.

It's a good thing I am heading out for counseling this morning! I need it today, if only to calm myself and find my center again. Maybe in the peace I will find an answer!

Love and God Bless!

All's well that ends well - sort of . . .

Being Scooter's mom was hard work yesterday.

First, we haven't been able to find one of his red crocs for a couple of days but because those were the shoes he really wanted to wear yesterday afternoon we spent 30 minutes looking for the shoe before I could get kids in the car. He refused to leave the house until we found it. I was getting frustrated and so was Riley but then I reminded him that after our long string of to-do's we were going straight to Soccer practice anyway so he needed to wear tennis shoes. We finally got in the car.

We got in the car so that we could go pick Tyler up directly from school. This requires sitting in a line in the car for 30 + minutes. Not my favorite way to spend an afternoon either, but Scooter was really mad about the whole thing. Spent 29 of the 30 minutes complaining, asking to get out of his seatbelt and whining about how he didn't like to wait in line. Then he crashed out for a tiny nap. Peace. Tyler got in the car and we headed to Rockwall.

We headed to Rockwall so that we could get both Tyler and Scooter to the dentist. This is our 3rd or 4th attempt to have Scooter's first dentist appointment. We had been talking it up for weeks and the most I could get out of Scooter was that he would let them do a 'little bit but not all of it'. Whatever that means. Tyler went in first which gave Scooter time to fully wake from his nap and me time to chat with the staff that I have known for 30 years. When it was Scooter's turn, he of course said no. Pouted. Cried. I settled him down and was finally able to get him in the chair on my lap. This was a tiny victory because it was the farthest we have gotten. They raised the chair, laid us back. Scooter was as stiff as a board. All the hygenist was going to do was look around at his teeth with the little mirror. She didn't even have the toothpaste out or anything, knowing Scooter I guess. Nope. Wouldn't do it. Refused to open his mouth or unclench his jaw. We tried showing him on me and Tyler. Nothing. Later he told me he had lost his 'Ahh' and so he couldn't open his mouth. After 10 minutes we gave up. I go for my own cleaning in a couple of weeks and we will try again. My dentist reviewed Scooter's diet and our brushing habits and said that he would be fine. I just had to watch for anything that looked or smelled bad or that he complained of hurting. Otherwise, as long as we get his first cleaning in by the time he's 6 it'll be all right. Easy for him to say. I was embarrassed and hugely frustrated and stressed by the time we left.

We left because we had to run one errand on the way to practice. The grocery store. My kids are usually very good at the grocery store, but this was not really grocery shopping. That will be later in the week after payday. This was a run-in-and-grab-something-quick shopping. Scooter was tired. He told me he didn't want to shop, he was just going to wait in the car. Right, like that's happening. He was serious though, which required me carrying him into the store, Scooter crying and whining the whole way. Once in the store, I said the words 'We're just getting a couple of things for dinner' about a hundred times while all 3 of the boys asked 'Can we get this?' 'Can we get that?' Scooter threw a fit because Riley was holding the one bag of snacks that I did pick up (to fill in for lunches since I'm out of the prebagged chips) and he wanted to hold it. Crying and whining again while we all piled back in the car.

We all piled back in the car so that we could drive one block to soccer practice. Scott was there waiting. Scooter squirmed while I squeezed his legs into shin guards and long socks. I tried to have a quick conversation with my mother on the phone, but he refused to even walk into the building without me right by his side. The kids had just had a week off of practice and games because of an art fair at the church and the break was nice for me while it was happening, but didn't do us any favors with Scooter. He absolutely refused to do anything at practice. He cried. He whined. He sat in the floor and refused to move. After a lot of threatening to sit on the sidelines and not stay with him, he participated a little bit, but he didn't really listen to the coach or do any of the drills the way he was supposed to. I looked up to see Scott shooting hoops with Tyler and kicking a soccer ball with Riley (who wants to play) and chatting with the other parents and wanted to give up and go home. After some prodding, Scott did come and help me try to talk Scooter into actually practicing, but it still was a struggle. By the end of the hour, Scooter almost had a smile on his face again and was starting to interact with the other kids again. I was in a really bad mood. It was time to go home and make dinner.

We make dinner - frozen pizza because it's fast and it's already after 7 p.m. Scooter won't eat pizza and insisted on Rice. We made the rice and then he barely touched it. Scott wanted to know what was wrong with me, why I was down. It's just been an exhausting day being Scooter's mom. This isn't fun. Soccer isn't fun. I want to be one of the mom's on the sidelines watching my kid have fun and do silly things. I don't want to be the ONLY mom in week 5 that has to stay with my kid so he'll stay out there and play. Scott tells me that I'm doing a great job. It'll get better. It's just his first season. He'll grow out of it. Really? When? We eat.

We eat and clean up. I hear Scooter asking Tyler to help him learn a Wii game. When Tyler says he doesn't really have time tonight, I hear Scooter say 'OK, maybe another day you can show me.' The sweetest boy in the world is slowly returning. Scott turns on the Packer game. I pour a glass of wine. We sit at the table and start looking online for a decent buy on a tent.

We are looking for a tent because Scott and Tyler are doing a cub scout camping trip this weekend, and of course we don't have any gear. We were really looking for something small for the two of them, but they really want all of us to camp together for the family campout in November. November? Why on earth would I (the camping NON-enthusiast) want to sleep outside on the ground in the cold of November? But being the good mom that I am, I have agreed to consider it so I was also looking at some bigger tents too. I see some very nice, large 3 room tents and I show them to Scott.

I show them to Scott and say 'This wouldn't be bad. We can sleep on one end, the kids on another. There's room for gear. The kids wouldn't be right on top of us. It's worth thinking about for later, anyway.' Scott glances over and says in his funny, special way 'Oh yeah - we could get busy in that one!' I roll my eyes at him and laugh then move on to the next tent. Scooter wasn't really part of our conversation, but at the moment he was sitting on Scott's lap and he piped in 'Yeah, we could get busy in that one.' We laugh and say 'oh really?' 'Yeah' he says 'It'll be fun.' Scott and I break down laughing hysterically and I text the short version of the story to my sister, because it was one of those I don't want to forget and she'll help me remember.

Tyler was tough on Sunday, Riley will be tough today because it's hair day and he's my one kid who doesn't get excited about haircuts. But yesterday it was Scooter. It was long and grueling and exhausting, but at the end of the day he was still my Scooter, funny and sweet and loving. He went to bed without a hitch and when Scott and I turned all the lights off later and headed to bed ourselves, I made my nightly run through the kids rooms to make sure they were safe, warm and kissed one last time. I walked into Scooter's room and found him sound asleep next to his bed in the floor with one arm lovingly around Bella who was sleeping half way under his bed as quiet and as still as could be. They were sweet. Scooter was sweet. I moved him to his bed and tucked him in and kissed him. And even though he had worn me out all day, I thanked God for granting me the priveledge of being his mom.

Thanks and God Bless!

Mothering Lesson #15,302 . . .

I have this really rough hewn theory about parenting. It's basically that whatever your strengths and weaknesses are as a person don't really change when you become a parent, they just become more amplified. If you are not patient, you won't magically become patient when someone hands you a squirming armful of baby. You are probably going to be short tempered and want to pull your hair out and scream alot when the baby doesn't want to do anything but cry. If you are by nature a giver, you are not going to have to work at giving to your children, it will just be easier all the time and help you give to more and more people, including your children. If you are not good at cleaning house and managing money before kids, it's only going to get worse once you have little ones running your days. If you are by nature a teacher, it will be automatic to teach your children and will be easy for you.

This is not to say that we are not capable of change and that parenting doesn't change you, because it most certainly does. As a parent you will definitely pick up a lot of new skills along the way and being a parent will provide you with countless opportunities to improve your weak traits and will eventually change the shape of your core, if not the essence of your character. For love of your child, you will climb countless mountains and find new and sometimes drastic ways to enhance the person that you are.

Wow that sounds lofty and pedantic. All this to say - there are some things that I am really awesome at in the mothering arena, and there are some things at which, I really suck. I am great at reading to my kids and showing them joy and thankfulness for who they are. I am excellent at teaching my kids to communicate, especially their feelings. However, I know I let them watch too much tv and none of my kids eat enough fruits and vegetables. Not really a surprise since I am a reader, writer and talker and I love tv and don't eat enough fruits and vegetables myself. Who I am influences both how I parent and who my kids are becoming. Modeling, modeling, modeling.

One of my greatest strengths as a person, and therefore as a mother, is that I am a great multi-tasker and I work well under pressure. So even though there are many, many times that I want to pull my hair out because there are 3 kids that need constant attention in my life and that come with a multitude of scheduling demands and changes - I can usually figure it out and swing it. It may take 2 parents, multiple cars, some grandparents and aunts and uncles, but I will usually recruit the necessary resources and people to make the time management craziness work. We get the job done because I can mostly keep everything straight in my head, think outside the box and organize a solution. Skills I have definitely picked up from my mother, the 'Great Organizer'.

However, one of my greatest weaknesses as both a person and as a mother is that I am a control freak. In my great multi-tasking, organizational brain there is a major flaw that tells me that I can do it better myself. This has led to me working myself into corners at countless jobs and left me with more work on my plate than I can handle more times than I can remember. I've done it at school, work, church, charities, for parties and at home. And as bad as it is for just a normal woman to be this way, it's worse as a mom. It translates into a lot of areas, but for me the area that it shows its head the most is 'other kids and their parents'.

When Tyler became friends with the boy next door, Jerry, they were both 5 and finishing kindergarten. They were instant best buddies even though it had taken almost a year for them to cross the alley to play with each other. I found out immediately that I was not good at all at the neighborhood friend thing. This frustrated me because I am still friends with many of the kids I grew up with in my neighborhood - I am even married to one! We did everything together, played with each other and in each others homes all the time. We were in and out of houses, our parents never knowing exactly where we were, just that we were on the street somewhere with our buddies. But as a parent, I couldn't do it. I couldn't let go and just let Tyler run free.

Mostly this was me wanting to be in control, but it was also partly a language barrier. Jerry's English was spotty and his parents was minimal. I didn't have enough confidence in my spattering of Spanish to attempt an actual conversation so I couldn't really get to know Jerry's mother and get a feel for her as a person or a mom. (Funny though, when I was in Mexico drinking lots of Cerveza and Tequila, I had no problem stretching my 8 yrs of Spanish education muscles.) What I could do though, was see into her yard because they only have a 4 ft. chain link fence. So I let Tyler play in the yard with Jerry, biting my tongue when they jumped on his trampoline with no safety net, right next to the fence and a really big tree. I held my breath when I saw her leave both her kids alone outside on the back porch with a 3 ft. high inflatable pool, the younger son Randy being only 9 months older than Scooter. And I let Jerry come in our house and play in our backyard over and over again. Eventually I let Tyler play inside their house too and I can now let him go without checking in every 10 minutes and without worrying constantly, watching out my window at what they are doing. Now Randy comes over to play with Scooter and Riley, which they love. I am not ready for Scooter to go over there by himself though and to be honest it will probably be a while. Randy is welcome here though, especially now that he's in kindergarten and after completing his head start program last year he can understand much more of what I am saying to him. I know that it's okay to let them go, but it's really hard because when they are over there - I have no control whatsoever.

And now I have a new challenge to my control freak parenting style. Tyler has been assigned a huge research project with 2 other classmates. Luckily, they are kids that I know and know their parents. At first, the other parents were quiet and I didn't hear anything from them about getting the kids together so I let my organizational self get things started. I emailed the other 2 moms and offered my home for the initial research and designation of duties. The other parents hadn't even been aware there was a project. One of the moms offered to have a work/sleepover instead. My initial gut reaction was NOOOO. I would have no control and couldn't help organize. But in the name of working on my own flaws, I kept my mouth shut and agreed. The kids dad was pumped up, the kids were going to work on the project Sat afternoon and then have fun the rest of the time. I told him I was most concerned about them dividing up the work and keeping things as even as possible so could he take notes?

I had a very bad feeling when the dad sent me an email designating duties BEFORE the sleepover which showed the 3rd kid doing all the research, my kid doing all the image, chart, map and visual aid retreival and his kid compiling everything. I had read the project guidelines and rubric and knew how heavy the research component was. I knew how many charts and graphs and maps were going to be required. I didn't think that pulling those things off of flash drives and onto a power point presentation was going to come anywhere near the level of work required by the other two boys. I wanted to argue, but instead I told Tyler that he needed to make sure that J didn't get stuck with all the research and to try and make sure things stayed fair. When I dropped him off, I said to the boys in front of N's dad, 'When you start working, if it seems like one of you has more than another to do, change the plan and make sure it stays fair.' And I went on my way. Score one for the mom who is trying very hard to not be a control freak! Yay! Or so I thought.

Last night I got a phone call from N's mom (they are divorced, but do their best to co-parent). She was upset because first of all, she had let her ex handle the project in the first place and she felt like he had screwed up. Then she started telling me that J & N had done their research, but Tyler hadn't. ????? I'm sorry - I know Tyler has his issues, but researching is not one of them. Her ex had complained that Tyler didn't know how to cut and paste off of the internet. I said, well - they aren't supposed to be cutting and pasting off of the internet except for maybe pictures and Tyler does know how to do that. Have you read the project guidelines? No. Has J? Well, he has now, but not before the kids started. Her son had told them the project is due next week, which it is not and so she can chill out about thinking it has to be done today. I explained that Tyler had been in a sour mood all day and I hadn't talked to him yet about the work done over the weekend. I also said that J had called today and mentioned that the kids had divided up the 4 areas of research and which one was Tyler's and I thought that was a good move. I told her that this project was huge and there was no reason to think that the kids were going to get it all done in one weekend and that it was really important per the requirements that they each had a hand in all different phases of the project and presentation. Her ex had let the kids start with filming their video on Saturday for the presentation even though I had told Tyler that there was no way for them to do it before the research (and the dad should have known this too, duh!) and then when he read the project guidelines late Saturday night, he had realized his mistake and put the kids to work doing actual research on Sunday morning. Not knowing this, I had sent Scott to pick Tyler up 2 hours before the designated pick up time since our schedule wouldn't allow for him to stay there all day. So here they were complaining Tyler hadn't done his share when they had just started working on it when he got picked up.

I should have just held my ground and had the kids here or insisted that it was parents & kids time, not just a play date with some homework mixed in. This is what happens when I don't follow my gut. Now I have to bridge the gap between the two other moms since before this weekend they didn't know each other. Now I have to fix the problem and be the organizer anyway. And it sucks because there are hurt feelings and frustration all around that will have to be mended too. I should have went with my strength on this one and not tried to improve my weakness. At the end of the day, I am the only one of these moms who read the report guidelines and I am the only one who has a kid who had even told me about the project (a plus considering Tyler's own forgetfulness of late). And even though J is considered the smartest kid in the 5th grade at Tyler's school, he's shy and his mom is even more so, so I have to be the outgoing, levelheaded, organized mom to make this work.

The funniest thing about all this to me is the mom thinking Tyler was slacking off. I talked to him about the whole thing last night and found out that he had been frustrated right away because all N wanted to do was create this video but there had been no plan, just fun. He had felt 'funny' because he knew they weren't doing what they were supposed to be doing. He didn't think N was very nice and had grumbled a lot while Tyler and J were doing the initial planning and organizing work. The kids were paired together by their teacher because they had scored similarly on the multiple intelligence tests with Logical/Mathematical being the strongest for all three. I don't doubt that N does fall in this boat because I've seen him in action, but I have also hosted him more than a few times and seen him do presentations in class before. He's smart, but he's sullen and lazy at times. Scott thinks he's a smart a--. At Tyler's bday sleep over, he was the one that caused most of the small issues we had with five 10 yr old boys trying to play together fairly. He can be very sweet, but he has to be prodded to do the work or to play fairly (he's also the only only-child in this particular crew - surprise? the rest of them know how to share because they have to every single day, not N).

At the end of the day, these boys have to figure out how to work together. They have to find a way to get the project done fairly and sufficiently. Which means that as parents, we have to figure it out as well. I guess I am going to have to take on my normal role of instigator and organizer. This is the role that often gives me the labels of pushy, bossy and another 'b' word, but it also gets the job done. So much for me trying to grow in the process or trying to let go of some control. I am going to have to rely on my strengths this time. And I am going to have to find a way to help Tyler figure out what his are too, so that he knows what role on a team he fulfills best. Is it the brains behind the machine or is it the organizational leader? Is it the mediator and peacemaker or the worker bee and motivator?

And, I have to keep my cool and not complain about the other kids or parents in front of him either. Grumble, grumble, sigh. Modeling, modeling, modeling. Some times it bites! Go with your strengths on the big stuff. Work on your weaknesses on the little stuff. Lesson learned. Next!

God Bless!

It's not the kids, it's the gnomes . . .

Okay - I wasn't planning on blogging today because my hubby is off of work. Don't ask me where this particular logic came from, but I generally save my blogging for days that there are fewer people here - even though it makes sense that if Scott is here, I will have less interruptions and more time to write. Go figure. Anyway, I was really planning on leaving my keyboard alone today, but Scott is still snoozing, Tyler's off to school and the munchkins have decided to begin their day by lounging in their pjs and watching Star Wars - the original. Seems like a good opportunity to put pen to paper, er - fingers to keys? And I'm really perplexed today about something stupid and little and need to vent it out, I guess.

So what has me stirred up this morning? Missing stuff. I am starting to think there is a gnome in my house, running around and stealing things. Okay, I got the gnome idea from an episode of Little Bear on Nick Jr. that I was unfortunate enough to witness too much of one day when I was laying down with Riley, trying to encourage a nap. The show really annoys me because even though it's got all those great preschool ideas about sharing and friendship, etc. - I can't figure it out. The animals all run around talking and living in houses they make, but some of them are their natural habitats and some are actual houses. The bears dress in clothes that look like they are from the late 1800's, but only the adults, and no other animals wear clothes. And they run around calling each other Mother Bear and Father Bear and Grandfather Bear with no first names. I am not a fan of Barney and some of the other stuff the kids watch makes no sense to me either, but for some reason this show bugs the crud out of me. Sorry - off subject, but really? Anyway, in this episode the gnomes were stealing someones eye glasses and hiding them in a tree trunk and the characters had to ask to get them back and offer to trade other stuff for their cherished lost items.

Gnomes. Are they wandering through my house stealing things? Cuz really - I can't figure out where the stuff is running off to. My house isn't that big, it's fairly well organized and it gets cleaned sort of frequently. But I can't find the remote to the main DVD. My second set of car keys has been missing for months. And about 2 years ago, my diamond stud earrings disappeared, never to be heard from again.

I know you are thinking - you have 3 kids, 2 dogs and a cat - of course things are missing. And you are probably saying - look under furniture, check the junk drawer, have you moved the refrigerator? Believe me, I have.

The earrings disappeared after I had removed them from my lobes and put them on my dresser once upon a time. I didn't even know they were gone at first because I don't wear jewelry very often and my good stuff even less. It might have been weeks or months before I realized they were gone. And it wasn't until well after I figured out that my then 2 yr old Scooter was 'exploring' any surface he could reach by dragging a stool near to become instantly taller. He could have eaten them. He could have left them somewhere that Bella could have eaten them. He could have just dropped them behind a dresser or somewhere on the very stained carpet that we didn't see and then we vacuumed. I will never know, I guess. They were small studs, but they were a Christmas gift from Scott our first married holidays together and it makes me so sad that they are gone. And really, I can't blame Scooter entirely. He might not have made it anywhere near them. Or he might have done who knows what with them while I was nursing his baby brother and couldn't keep an eye on him every single second of the day. Or maybe the gnomes just decided they were too shiny and pretty to pass up.

I am fairly certain that the culprit for the theft - um loss - of my extra car keys is Riley. They disappeared this spring, just before I quit working. He was constantly taking our real keys to use to drive the motorized jeep in the yard because what fun is it to drive if you don't have keys? The kids probably have 10 different sets of play keys in various shapes and sizes, but they aren't nearly as fun as real keys. We tried giving him a set of real keys that we don't use anymore, but he's too smart for all that and kept grabbing at the viable, useable sets. If we dared to set our keys down in an unsecured location, they would be gone in a heartbeat. Scott had to be particularly careful about this because he really only has one key to his truck (that's a blog for another day, but suffice it to say he tends to lose keys when he goes on trips). I have one more key in my purse that's an extra (a valet key), but the extra set with the extra lock fob on it is long gone. The garage has been scoured, cleaned out and organized 3 or 4 times since they disappeared and they aren't anywhere I can find in the house. The yard has been mowed and they haven't shown up. Again, might not have been Riley - right? Could have been the gnomes.

I've learned to consider the earrings a bittersweet loss and I don't think about the keys too often since I am still able to drive my car everyday and have an emergency key if needed. But, the DVD remote, that's another story. It's only been missing for a month or so, but I can't find it anywhere. I have looked in the crevices of the couch (where remotes often wander), under couches, in drawers, behind dressers, under beds, in toy boxes and cubby baskets - I can't find it. And what are the chances that a remote somehow found itself outside of the house? We just did a pretty intense cleaning around here in preparation for a party. Almost every piece of furniture in my house was moved and vacuumed under and around - no remote. I can't even think of a reason to blame this on one of my kids so I am just going to assume that the gnomes are growing bolder.

Truthfully, I think the gnomes were strategic on the DVD remote. Because without the remote, there are certain kid DVD's that I can never change off of the first story on the disc. If there is no play all option - you have to have a stupid remote to select or change to a different story. So without it, I am forced to listen to the same 'Super Why' episode over and over again on the day the kids decide that is the movie they HAVE to watch. And sad as it is, Scott and I like to watch movies with the subtitles playing. We can't always hear the characters talking when their voices are low or they are talking too quickly. This isn't an option without a remote. It's a plot by the gnomes to push me over the edge.

It was revenge really. They found out that I didn't like Little Bear and hated their starring role episode most. They are laughing behind my back every time I go to look for something I really want to find and then they are strategically placing items that I would have liked to stay lost (like the cheap happy meal toy that makes annoying sounds or the puzzle piece that I couldn't find for a year so I got rid of the puzzle while purging only to find the damn piece 2 weeks later) in my path where I can't miss them. The gnomes hate me. They are plotting my journey to madness like it's a map and a definite inevitability.

If I could only find their storehouse - their lair. If only I knew where they were hiding, hoarding my stuff. Maybe I could negotiate a truce or a trade. Maybe I could talk them into trading my old mood ring for my earrings or all the Mexican coins that somehow have found their way into my coin jar for my keys. Maybe they would give up the location of the DVD remote if I offered them the little laser light the kids use to tease the kitten into a frenzy.

If anyone has experience negotiating with gnomes for the return of their lost treasures, let me know. I suspect though - that they are in your house too and winning there as well. After all, who do you think is really stealing one sock from the pair over and over again between the wash cycle and removing your clothes from the dryer?

Love to all and God Bless!

Back on the happy train - sort of . . .

Thanks to everyone yesterday for your support! I got emails, phone calls and comments that all helped me just get through the day and keep trucking along. Great tips too! I love Kristen's idea for color coded baskets and will have to think about how I can apply that or something close to it for my munchkins. I also liked Jennifer's idea for the to-do lists (yes, please email them to me), but since I only have one reading kid so far I'll have to adjust that one for a bit too. Also big thanks to Staci who, even without a hubby and children, took time to write me a great email regarding the mounting pile of mountain dew cans in her house and reminded me that it doesn't matter what your circumstances are, there is always something keeping you from picking everything up and staying focused and she made me smile!

After my little pity party yesterday, I decided today that I should just focus on the positive and some tiny, small triumphs! So here's my list of small victories:

1 - My hubby did not read my blog from yesterday (he's about 2 weeks behind) and so when he came home and was helping me pick up and made a random comment about how I needed to teach the kids to bring me their cups from their rooms (they always have a drink next to their beds when going to sleep) I DID NOT YELL AT HIM. I had to bite my tongue, but it wouldn't have really been fair since he didn't know what I was struggling with yesterday. I just told him that I was working on it, it was a daily struggle and they might have learned it from him since I usually pick up at least one drinking glass of his in the mornings left behind on the coffee table or fireplace each evening. He doesn't believe me and told me to take a pic on my phone next time and send it to him. Love his sense of humor and love that I didn't have a picture to take this morning since he listened through our teasing to what I was saying. When he remembers to model good habits for the kids too, it makes it easier for me to teach them during the day.

2 - I did not kill the cat. The thought crossed my mind. She has decided that when coming out to play, she likes to climb behind the electronics and through piles of wires. She killed the power on the main surge protector for our tv and components yesterday 4 times in a row. At the time the kids were trying to watch Return of the Jedi while I was blogging and Scooter was not happy that it had to start over each time. Since I currently cannot find the DVD remote I couldn't pick the chapter where we left off. Later, when the kids were resting and I sat down to watch a recorded premier while I folded laundry, I discovered that since she was killing the power while the DVR was still rebooting, the thing reset itself to default settings and DELETED ALL MY RECORDINGS. We are lucky if we get to sit down for one program in the evenings so the DVR is key for us. It means we can watch something we actually want to see and we can do it without commercials. Getting 45 minutes of tv time with my hubby in the evening is fun for me and losing all the programs almost brought me to tears. The only thing that saved the kitty's life was the fact that it was only 2 nights of premier shows, we had already watched Lone Star and Chase (both destined to be favorites for us) and AT&T offers NCIS and NCIS LA (the two that I wanted to watch during laundry because Scotty doesn't care for) via On Demand. I don't get to watch too much tv during the day, but when I am doing laundry, I really like to sit and watch something that my hubby or kids aren't into. The cat is on notice.

3 - I made some progress in my house yesterday although I am not expecting it to last. I got all the laundry done and put away, clean sheets on all the beds and enough stuff picked up off of the floor that Scott was able to vaccuum ALL the rooms while I bathed munchkins. The end result was that when I stumbled out of bed this morning, I got to walk through the dark house without worrying I was going to kill myself stepping on a toy and I didn't have to start my day by looking around at a house that looked like a tornado hit it. I told the kids that I really want to keep it picked up today and although they are currently agreeing with me emphatically, I know the reality is it will be hard to keep them motivated as the day goes on. Still, one day out of the week for a hazard free zone is kind of good at this point.

4 - Homework wasn't painful last night. When Tyler came home and grumbled about me insisting he do his homework at the kitchen table, I held firm. When he complained about noise and distraction, I sent the little ones to my room to watch Noggin and turned off Dave Ramsey radio in the kitchen. When he kept wandering to the back of the house to watch tv with his brothers while he ate a snack, I brought him back and then planted myself at the table too to encourage him to stay put. I did not yell, plead, whine or berate but I was firm. I helped him think through a math problem and then I put my foot down and insisted he use his dictionary to look up the meanings of his spelling words instead of asking me. He finished his daily homework in less than an hour for a change. Then he sat here and worked on his project that thankfully he had found out wasn't really due until Friday (yesterday was just an in class work day after all that madness). He told me about an upcoming math project and showed me how he had already written the due date on the monthly calendar I had given him. It was only one night and I know I am gonna need a whole lot of patience to have more of these and less of the other kind, but it definitely gave me hope.

4 - The timer really works. With a 4 yr old and almost 3 yr old, the fights over toys in my house are ridiculous. It's not like we don't have a thousand toys to choose from, but they always want the same thing. For a long time, Scooter was brilliant at redirecting Riley so that he could have the 'good' toy, but Riley has caught on. When we're having sharing issues, I started setting a timer on my oven for 3 minutes at a time to keep things fair. It took a while for this to really catch on and I had to physically remove toys from kids clenched fingers a few times, but now the timer is my best friend. When one of the kids wants something the other one has, they don't yell and fight and try to take it away - they come and say 'Mama can you set the timer?' How awesome is that? So, I do - every time. And now they are both pretty good about handing over the toy immediately because they know they are going to get it back in 3 minutes. The only problems I have found with this is when we are outside and I use a timer in my head, Scooter will eventually decide that the timer should be in HIS head and he will tell us when the minutes are up (you can imagine how that works) and there are times that Riley asks me 'did it beep? did it beep? did it beep?' for the entire 3 minutes instead of just waiting and listening.

5 - I got a little help from my kids yesterday. Tyler helped me clean the table, set the table and pick up toys in addition to putting his clean clothes away. Some of his help was an effort to have something to log for his cub scouts, but it's all the same to me - less stuff I have to do. The little ones were less enthusiastic about picking up, but when I started handing them small stacks of clothes to put in their drawers they jumped in and made a game of it. Watching little Riley struggle with keeping all the clothes in his arms while he opened drawers was hysterical. I stayed put though and didn't rush to help. I figure it was more important that he was doing something to help than if the clothes got in the right drawers or if they stayed folded. It took Scooter longer but that's because he really can't stand it if clothes are peeking out of a drawer that won't close. It all has to fit or he is going to stay there working on it until it does. I was just super pleased that they were chipping in a little, even though I know it's not an every day thing right now.

6 - Bedtime was easy for a change. The kids had woken up so early yesterday (probably part of my problem to begin with) and then wouldn't nap at all, much less take a decent rest. This is not the best way for a day to flow around here as they get crankier and nastier when they don't have enough sleep. However, it made bedtime a snap. Riley was out within 2 minutes of crawling into bed. Scooter made a show of not being tired, but when I said he could sit with me for a few minutes on the couch before going back and trying again, he also fell asleep within a minute of sitting still. If I thought I could handle the fallout during the day, I would wake them early every morning and never let them take a nap, but it doesn't work that way. Eventually the lack of sleep makes bedtimes even worse, but when it's a once-in-a-while thing like yesterday, it can lead to a very pleasant evening. Scott and I were blessed with almost 2 hours of 'us' time before hitting the sack ourselves for a change. We were able to have conversations with each other AND watch a new show on tv.

And on top of all these wonderful, little, tiny happy moments - I get to go out for a drink with one of my best buds tonight! Yay! Margaritas! Scott has a 3 day weekend starting tomorrow. Tyler is home with us for the weekend, but has a sleep over/team project work day planned at another kids house on Saturday. And Scooter has a by-week for soccer which means I don't have to run for an hour this weekend. Woohoo! Life is great if you take time to see all the positives and the small victories!

Thanks and God Bless!

More coffee, less whining . . .

This morning I find myself in the mommy wasteland of 'What am I doing?'  It's one of those mornings that you look back over yesterday and see missed opportunities and mistakes, you glance around at today and your only view is crankiness and bad attitudes, and you gaze into tomorrow and wonder how you are going to navigate your family through the imminent schedule madness and looming obligations.  Today I am looking around and feeling like I am not doing a good job or I am missing some key idea or tool that would magically make it all easier.

Of course I know that I am not really terrible at this job - deep down in my soul, buried under the self loathing and self pity of my early morning.  But when there just isn't enough coffee in the metroplex to make you smile some mornings, it's easy to get side tracked and down on yourself.  So today I just need to vent about a couple of our current issues and ask for your prayers for me to cultivate patience.  And ideas!  Bring them on!  If you've got something in your bag of tricks that can help - let me know!

1 - Tyler - Okay, I've already expounded on discipline with Tyler and the problems we're having in 5th grade, but AAAAGHH!  Last night at 9:30 he looked over his homework list and remembered a project that was due today which had been assigned almost 2 weeks ago.  It was supposed to have 3 elements - a power point, a 3D drawing, and he can't remember the 3rd.  He was vague on how much had been done for a while but on his way to bed I found out that all that had been done was part of the power point, nothing else.  I was gulping down wine, trying not to scream at him since I know that will only result in his tears and me comforting him.

Honestly - I don't know what to do to help him at this point.  He truly is trying, getting better every day about writing his daily assignments down and reading over them to make sure that they are getting done.  I don't think it's that he doesn' care.  I found a full calendar page layout in a spiral planner and put it in his binder last night, showing him how he can write project due dates down on each month and be able to look ahead to see what is coming up and I hope that helps.  But his homework is taking forever each night so it makes it hard to add project work to the mix too.

I asked Tyler last night what he thought would help him remember things and stay focused.  He answered that he needed a desk.  He used to have one and my computer is now sitting on it.  He didn't use it when it was in his room except to stack every stray toy, tshirt and paper he didn't know what else to do with.  When we create the new office after the new bedroom is done, he will have a desk in there.  Right now, I am leaning towards forcing him to do his homework at the kitchen table.  Mom always made us do this and I am starting to understand why.  Tyler says the kids distract him too much out here, but he's getting distracted enough in his room too.  If he's in front of me, maybe I can help keep him on task.

And now he's joined cub scouts and is fired up about the whole thing, ready to earn all these badges and pins and go to every event on the calendar.  On the up side, it gives me something to work with - to take away when he doesn't get done what he needs to get done.  But it's already a scheduling nightmare for me and I am struggling with this new demand on our time.  He needed an activity, I encouraged it, but I can't see how it's going to work with all of his projects and regular homework and visits to Denton.

This morning Tyler woke up in one extremely sour mood, probably resulting from his own guilt and dread over the day.  He took it out on me, of course, because that's what they all do.  I had a really hard time keeping my mouth shut and not adding more crud to the situation.  He asked me if I was still mad and I told him I wasn't mad, just frustrated.  He said he was just really bad at 5th grade and at being organized and I told him that it was just something we are going to have to work on.  I just wish I could snap my fingers and make it all better.

2 - Tattling - Okay, I need to make war on this in my house, but I don't know where to start.  And this is new ground for me because when Tyler was young, he was my only child.  There wasn't anyone to tell on!  Scooter and Riley are beginning to turn tattling into an art form and I want it to stop.  However, I don't really get the rules on this myself.  I know a lot of people who have a complete 'No tattling' rule for their kids and won't even listen when their kids tell on another child, no matter the reason.  I don't get it.  I mean, yes - it gets out of hand fast and I don't want my kids telling on each other for every little thing.  But, I also WANT my kids to tell me if someone is hurting them - even if it's their brother.  How and where do you draw the line?  How do you teach them when and when not to tell?  If I teach them to never tell, will that keep them from telling me later when someone is bullying them or abusing them?  Is there no middle ground and is that why people have the hard rule?  If you do make a rule of absolutely no tattling, do you then punish the tattler AND the offender or do you only punish the tattler?  I am really, really, really looking for some help on this one so if you have any ideas (teachers, moms, middle management!!!!) then I would really appreciate you passing along your brilliant strategies and theories!

3 - The Mess - The house, the yard, my car - everything gets so messy, so cluttered, so fast!  I know it will be long years before I can look forward to a home that isn't littered with toys, dirty clothes and random pieces of trash on a daily basis, but I need some help getting some help.  I've tried just about everything - a reward system, a consequence system, leaving it lay around til someone notices and picks up (I live in a house full of males though so this REALLY doesn't work - it just lays there until I'm crazy and I pick it up myself!), yelling, pleading, encouraging, making a game of it.  You name it, I've probably at least considered it.  It feels like all I do is run from room to room, picking up and then I turn around and can't see what I've done.  I know that this is probably just my lot in life for a while, but if you have any suggestions I am open to them.  I am constantly purging and organizing and looking for better methods of storage and will probably pull out my favorite reference on this today 'Coach Mom' by Brenna Stull for some encouragement and another idea to try and implement and see if it works for at least a little bit.  If you have any tools or books or websites that have worked for you - please pass them on.

4 - Day Care - Ok, this is just a bit of insecurity on my part.  The little ones have spent 2 days a week at their day care (the same one they were at while I worked last year) since I quit working again this spring.  I have pulled them out and yesterday was their last day.  In my gut, I know this was the right decision.  The entire situation was causing more stress and confusion than it was helping us out overall.  But I'm having a bit of mothers remorse for a moment.  After all, the teachers were great and really loved the kids.  They were getting socialization and a tiny bit of preschool curriculum.  They were out of my hair for a few hours a week.  The imminent future is looming though and today all I can see is long days without a break, the sole responsibility of kindergarten preparation and the slight chance that Scooter will backslide on his progress of coming out of his shell.  I am trying to remind myself that removing the financial burden is good, having a week that is not broken up by the kids schedule is great, and the chance to do more things like zoo trips and play dates is fantastic.  Chanting it to myself while the kids break into an argument over who gets to use what safety pin to transform their blankies into capes.  It's not working today.  I might need a word of encouragement and a reminder that I can totally do this!  I will revisit the possibility of a Mothers Day Out for them in January, but for the remainder of the year - they are with me for better or worse.

Alright, I know I am just being morose this morning and as my IV of caffeine is kicking in and waking up my overtired mind and body, I can see that I am being extremely whiny today.  But come on - I listen to whining all day long, am I not entitled to at least one morning of it myself?  And you get to be the recipient, poor soul, since I am trying not to whine and complain TO my children which would only breed more discontent.

OK - bucking up, getting moving, thinking about the pile of laundry in my hallway that needs to be washed, dried, folded and put away.  Maybe some magical fairy will land in my house today and it will do itself!

God Bless!

An Escape from the Madness . . .

Last night I escaped from my mad house for 5 minutes.  I decided that I needed to buy baby wipes at the corner drug store.  Obviously at this point of parenting with my little munchkins who are growing into little men, it wasn't a MUST HAVE AT THIS MOMENT supply.  I could have waited for this morning and the rest of my errands.  But I really needed that 5 minutes to myself, so off I went.

I have been in dire need of a girls night out for quite a while, but my 'girls' are spread out and just as busy as I am.  It's getting pretty hard to get things together so that I can run away from my much loved family for a much needed break.  So while I wait, I have to settle for the occasional night time errand and a nicely chilled glass of wine with my hubby once the monsters are in bed for the night.

Remember, I love my kids and have chosen to be home with them because I love spending time with them.  However, even the most patient of mothers can only handle so many arguments, tantrums, spills and craziness in one day.  And I am NOT the most patient of mothers.  Truth be told, I had actually already had a small break yesterday - it just wasn't enough.

Yesterday morning was my first MOPS meeting for my new MOPS group.  I've done this before at another church and found that I really loved the format.  But in my working-mom absence that particular group has disolved and evolved into another kind of moms group which I am sure is great, but I am really partial to MOPS so I found a new place to go.  For those of you not in the know, MOPS is Mothers of PreSchoolers and they have groups for not only stay at home moms, but working moms, teen moms and even prison moms!  It's basic format will put 50-70 women in one large room with either a speaker or a creative activity twice a month.  Moms are broken into smaller discussion or care groups of 8-10 with a leader/counselor and a mentor mom.  We eat brunch, complain about our hubbies, brag about our kids (or the other way around)and enjoy almost 3 whole hours without our little ones jumping around us and distracting us.  It's pretty darn awesome.

I was so excited about meeting new people and getting to know my new group, but really it wasn't all fun either.  After all, I had to leave Scooter and Riley in child care classes with teachers and kids they didn't know.  They both cried, but I knew Riley would get over it pretty quickly.  Scooter is Scooter, however, and I never really fully relaxed yesterday while I waited for some director to come find me and make me come get my inconsolable child from their classroom.  It didn't happen - thank goodness!  He wouldn't say he had a good time and he had refused to do most of the activities, but he did get to be line leader and he did like one teacher in particular who promised him that she would read him the 'Lightning McQueen' book again next time he came.

After the meeting we rushed home for a quick lunch and then we were out the door again so that I could take my two preschoolers with me to an OBGYN appointment.  Those of you who have ever dared this monstrous feat are probably cringing with me right now.  Luckily my doctor is absolutely fabulous and so is her staff.  They didn't worry too much about my slightly elevated blood pressure yesterday since I had spent the last 20 minutes trying to keep my kids from climbing all the waiting room furniture and jumping off and then from stealing the 'neat' plastic cups and individually wrapped wipes from the bathroom.  My doc, who is a mother of 4 herself, admirably kept her cool and smile while I tried to explain to Scooter why I was wearing a blanket instead of clothes for my appointment.  And the whole time, I was stressing about how long I was there since Tyler was going to beat me home and have to be a latch-key kid for the first time ever.

All in all - we survived.  I made it home just 10 minutes after Tyler so he feels super responsible and I didn't have to call in the reinforcements.  The little ones were rewarded for their 'good' behavior with a lollipop from Dr. P and a chocolate bar from me.  Once we settled in and got all the melted chocolate off kids faces and hands and Tyler was finished with his homework, I checked the mail.  I had received what I thought was my MOPS International magazine that is an automatic inclusion in my dues.  When I opened it I found instead 'welcome' gifts that included among other things a diaper bag id tag and a bright purple 'green' shopping bag.

After dinner, I opened the bag up and saw the big MOPS logo printed on the side with a tag line that read 'Friends don't let friends mother alone!'  Oh my - serious food for thought.  I mean, over the years I've heard a lot of 'Friends don't let friends . . .' lines like 'drink and drive', 'drunk dial an ex boyfriend', 'wear jeans that make your butt look big', 'over-treat your hair' or 'leave the bathroom with toilet paper stuck to your shoe'.  This is a new one for me, but I gotta tell you  - I love it.  Because this mothering stuff will take everything you have some days and then come back for more.

I thought back to my meeting yesterday which was mostly a whirlwind of beginning of the year announcements and explanations mixed in with a basic get-to-know-your-care-group question and answer session.  And in the midst of the essential, minor details of that meeting like how many kids we have and their ages, where we went to school and what we like to collect, were the seeds of what each of those moms needed from this group, if one took time to look closely.

There was a mom whose husband was diagnosed with ulerative colitis this summer whose condition is keeping him from interacting with the family regularly and hindering the support she needs with her mothers cancer diagnosis.  There is a mom with a 2 yr old and a 4 month old who is struggling with the juggling that having kids close together brings.  One young mother has a 20 month old daughter who would not let her own father (much less grandparents or other caregivers and relatives) hold her until she was 14 months old - she broke down in tears five minutes into our meeting, she REALLY needs this group and I started to cry with her.  Another is a mother of 4 which is a challenge all on it's own.  One mom has a first grader and a four year old and has just relocated here from OK where both she and her hubby are from and now has no support system.  There is a mother who is an engineer with 2 post grad degrees who loves being home with her kids, but is also still struggling with the much smaller world that this can force you into.  My group leader has a child in kindergarten and another that will start next year and she is dreading the idea of going back to work next year because she loves where she is right now.

And then there was our mentor mom.  It's her first year in this role.  She is very quiet and shy, but we were still able to gather that her 3 daughters and their children all live away.  Her husband of 48 years died a year ago from cancer.  She was once a dietician and nutritionist (I'm already planning on pumping her for info this year on what to do for Scooter!) and she loves to garden.  She was very sweet and I already love her.  She came up to me after the meeting to give me a hug which surprised me, but was very welcome.  I thought about her a lot last night and the reasons she might have for being a mentor mom in this program.

In my experience, mentor moms have been the givers of the group, most of them wise beyond their years.  They are usually heavily involved in their church and their childrens and grandchildrens lives.  They give advice when asked, but never push it on us. I've always kind of thought in the back of my mind that they were there for us, not the other way around.  M is changing my mind.  I think she needs us as much, if not more, than we need her.  I think she needs the companionship and something to do, although I could be wrong.  But think about how much and how often your kids need you when they are little and as they are growing.  Even now, I call my mom daily for advice and see her often.  What happens when your kids don't need you anymore?  What happens when you don't have a husband and 3 angels to watch over and care for?

Being a mom is so much of my identity these days.  It's most of who I am, although certainly not all.  I don't want to think about a future where my kids don't need me, even though I am doing my best to raise them to be independent, strong men who will hopefully not need me.  Ironic, hey?  What will I do if they move away from me?  What will I do if I someday lose my lover and friend, my husband?  Will someone be crazy enough to let me be a mentor mom one day too?  Will I be worthy of the title?

One of the biggest things I learn from MOPS is how to listen and keep my trap shut.  I feel myself wanting to jump in and offer advice before I can even stop to think whether or not it's good advice, but I get better all the time at staying quiet and just listening.  As a reward, sometimes I do get to offer gems of wisdom or humor.  Most of the time I find myself saying 'My mom says . . .' more than I care to admit.  But overall I'm just grateful to have some other moms to be with and support and have support me too.  I look at my mom who shares the burden of parenting and grandparenting with her closest buds and hope that I still have those kinds of friends 20-30 years from now too.  Being a mom is hard work and confusing most days.  You need all the support you can get and you need to be ready to support all the other moms you know too - no matter what stage of mothering they are in - because friends really don't let friends mother alone.

God Bless!