Last night at dinner, we all had to pause 3 bites into our meal because Scooter insisted that we all have a napkin and that we all have it in our laps before we proceeded with our nourishment. I am not sure if he picked this up from watching Olivia on Nick Jr. or if it's something he learned at school, but it's a good manners thing - so we'll go with it. I thought Tyler was going to blow a gasket. Now, to be fair to Tyler, dinner was really late. With Soccer practice from 6-7 on Mondays and that ordeal requiring all of our attendance - me to run around practicing with Scooter and Scotty to try and keep Riley from kicking his ball right into the middle of practice - dinner is just late. So we were starving. I, however, gave in & got up to get everyone a napkin. Then, heaven forbid you didn't have the napkin IN your lap, Scooter would just keep harping at you until you did. Once Tyler figured out he could eat faster if he complied, he rolled his eyes, did what he was asked and picked his fork up. Once Scooter was happy with the napkin situation, he began a conversation by asking who at the table could swim by themselves and could we please raise our hands. This wouldn't have been so bad, but he had asked the same question the night before to start our dinner conversation. Poor Tyler just didn't get it. Couldn't understand why Scooter was so particular and why we were letting him get away with it.
Tyler thinks we let the little ones have their way too much and can't understand the why of any of it. And being the logical little monster he is, doesn't get why we should bother. Tyler just doesn't realize how much of this accomodation happened for him at that age and still happens for him today.
My thinking on this, and therefore my parenting style, is pretty simple. It's also got 2 main parts. First - pick your battles. It's more important to me that my family sit down together every evening to eat and be together than what they eat, how they eat it or what plate they are eating it on. The battle I fight is getting them all there and keeping them there each evening. Even if a kid isn't hungry, I want them to sit there for the meal while the rest of us eat. So, when Riley decides he needs a spoon instead of a fork or that he wants water instead of milk - I am probably going to get up and comply. Because he's sitting at the table and eating with us.
I also want to foster in this meal time a sense of family connection which includes praying together before the meal and having a conversation that we can all be a part of. The focus changes from night to night and person to person, but the feel of it should be the same. We usually rotate the prayer around the table, each person praying in their own way that's comfortable for them. Lately, Riley has taken such an interest that he usually wants to do his and Scooters 'God Our Father' (pronounced 'God r Baadr' by Riley) singing prayer every night. We were so excited he wasn't just holding our hands and looking at us, but singing along - we just went with it. Now Scooter has decided it should be other peoples turns and he will pick the person, but what he means is that we will still do the singing prayer, but that person will 'start' the prayer or start singing first. All little battles that are not worth fighting. Because we are sitting there together, praying, having our meal together. And if Scooter wants to join in the dinner conversation with the same question every night, that's fine with me too. Even if Tyler doesn't get it, he just wants to eat.
I pick my battles all day long and give in a lot, which is why I am sitting here this morning wearing my sneakers with no socks on. I wanted to wear my flip flops but for whatever reason, Scooter needed me to wear these shoes today and since the bigger battle was getting him into the car and off to school without tears or arguing, I wore the tennis shoes. No tears. No arguing. I've gotten a lot better at this over the last couple of years too, having Scooter and Riley so close together. With two preschoolers running around, I need most things to be as simple as possible, so I just fight the big fights and let the little stuff go.
Which brings me to the second part of my theory on this - kids need to express themselves. Let's face it, when you are little - you don't get to make very many decisions. I mean we dress babies in what we want, feed them what we want, take them where we want to go when we want to go there. And when those babies grow into toddlers and then preschoolers, we are still in the habit of making all those decisions for them, but they are trying to express themselves every hour of every day and want to make some decisions for themselves. When they get absolutely no say - they tend to throw tantrums and have meltdowns. This is another one of those things that I get better at all the time, just from practice and necessity. So I let Scooter decide which underwear or shoes he wants to wear as long as he's wearing some and I don't stress if his shirts on backwards since he dressed himself. I let Riley help me pour the milk, cleaning up his spills along the way as long as he's drinking milk and not soda. I let the kids decide where they are going to lay down for their naps as long as they are laying down and resting. You get the picture. And really, what does it matter in the grand scheme of things if Scooter and Riley change our seating arrangement every night at the dinner table as long as they are sitting with us? Or if my kids want to wear clothes that are totally uncoordinated as long as they are dressed in clean, weather appropriate clothes to leave the house?
I'm not a pushover, I don't think. I draw a hard line where I need and want it to be. I just don't see the worth in the stress that would encompass my life if I enforced a hard iron will on every little part of my kids days. I also think if I did that I would be breeding little rebels instead of raising little men. I hope I am giving my kids the opportunity to try and learn what works for them and what doesn't, what they like and what they don't. Maybe some days this might seem more complicated than others as we let them be themselves, but they are learning lessons through it too. Like when the Woody pajamas that Scooter wants to wear a second night in a row are dirty and I have to deal with his tears over it but I am not about to wash them right away. Or when Riley is mad because I won't let him have apple juice before bed even though he was able to choose his drink all during the day and chose not to have juice until that moment.
And still, Tyler doesn't get it. To him it's just annoying and he complains I let them get away with too much. But, I was the same with him - although, like I said it's something I get better at all the time, so maybe on a smaller scale. Even if he doesn't remember, I do. I remember having to call every meat we ate at dinner 'chicken' and then he would eat it without complaint. I remember him insisting on sharing cheerios with my mom instead of having his own bowl, but he was eating them so we let it go. There was the stage he went through that he needed to know what kind of vacuum cleaner everyone had, so I patiently looked like a fool as I asked at each house we visited if we could see their vacuum. I sat through him reading the same book to me over and over during first grade because he had to read to me and that was the book he wanted to read. And even now, on movie night - Scotty and I will opt for a couple of choices and give Tyler the final vote. I don't say a word when Tyler comes out of his room in the morning dressed in a striped shirt and plaid shorts. And I let him choose his own haircut style, but I still say no to sideburns, because, really? sideburns for children? And even though I have always done breakfast first thing in the morning with PJ's for the kids - I don't stress about the fact that Tyler takes after his Grandpa B and prefers to hop in the shower first and get dressed before he makes his way out to the kitchen, even though deciding on and making/eating breakfast is the longest process for him in the mornings, always threatening to make us late.
So overall, sometimes we do things the kids way. I guess I am just not a 'My Way or the Highway' kind of mom most of the time. I see other moms being super patient with their kids (or sometimes not) and insisting that they do it moms way, and I am impressed they comply. I know that some of them are looking at me and thinking that I let my kids get away with too much and probably thinking I am crazy. Oh well, I do what I can. I certainly draw a hard line when it comes to things like name-calling, fighting and being truthful, but I can let things like doing bedtime in a certain order or wearing completely clashing colors together go. And if it makes Tyler a little crazy, so be it. It'll be good for him to learn tolerance for other people's foibles, just like we tolerate his.
Thanks and God Bless!
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