During both our vacations this summer, while staying with family and friends, I was asked repeatedly 'What time do the kids go to bed?' and it wasn't a question I could answer. My kids don't have a set bedtime really and it got me to wondering - Do other families really have set bedtimes and do they work? And if so, HOW?
I mean, it's not like I don't know they need a set bedtime and routine and it isn't as if I haven't TRIED to do this - a lot. It's just that it seems to be one of those parts of parenting that I am not really the greatest at.
I used to think I was great at it. When Tyler and I moved in with Scott, Tyler was five and bedtime was cake. Tyler took a bath, I would read to him, he would snuggle with me on the couch for five to twenty minutes and then he would go to bed and I would tuck him in and he would go to sleep. No problems whatsoever. So when I brought Scooter home from the hospital, I was super confident that I could do the same thing with him. And Scooter was way easier for sleeping as a baby. He fell asleep faster and easier and stayed asleep longer. I just knew that as long as I had the same routine for Scooter he would be just as good at bedtime as Tyler. No matter where Tyler and I moved or traveled to, if we kept the same routine he would go to bed and sleep anywhere. This was something I could do without any problems.
Problem # 1: Scooter is not Tyler. I never took into account that Tyler just likes to go to bed. Even now when he stays up late on a weekend or summer vacation, he will at some point just be ready for bed. He will ASK if he can go to bed. When he was 3 and stayed overnight with his dad and stepmom the first time, they couldn't believe how easy he went to bed, even in a situation that was different for him. He'll ask to watch a movie with us, beg even, and 20 minutes before it's over he'll just be 'done' and ready for bed. Won't even watch the end of the movie. He's ready. Scooter is a night owl. As a baby he went to bed easy and stayed asleep, but even then it was more like 11:00 before he was really ready to go to bed. Scooter will stay up most of the night if he can. If the tv is on, he will just keep watching it. He can stretch 'snuggle time' into hours. He will even tell me 'I am just going to stay up all night'. He just loves having Daddy and I in one place where he can be with us with no major distractions and will milk it as long as he can.
Problem # 2: Riley was born (that sounds bad, but bear with me). Riley is only 19 months younger than Scooter and bringing him home during those critical toddler months for Scooter really threw a wrench into things. Scooter just figured that if I was up with the baby, he should be up too. Transitioning to a toddler bed was tricky, but doable. Then, every time we would get Scooter settled into some kind of routine, Riley would transition to a new stage and the whole process would start over again.
Problem # 3: Scooter and Riley share a room and then a bed. When Riley was only about 20 months old, we noticed that Scooter didn't stay in his bed at night to fall asleep at all. This was something he had done occasionally since he got out of his crib. We would head to bed and find him asleep in his floor next to his bed or wake up in the morning and find him crashed out in the hallway, probably having started to head to our room but not making it that far. But it was only a random thing for a while. What we found as Riley grew and the two got closer and closer was that Scooter was falling asleep in the floor next to Riley's crib every night so they could be together. So we searched Craig's List and found a full size bed and moved both boys into it together. For a while this worked great, until they BOTH started getting out of bed every 2 minutes. They would egg each other on, rile each other up and basically take hours to go to sleep.
Problem # 4: I forgot. I had conveniently forgotten over the years the problems I had with Tyler when he was little and how his bedtime routine actually came about. I forgot about the countless times I took him back to his bed as a toddler. I forgot about the times when we were at college and he wouldn't want me to leave him for the final goodnight and want one more song, one more story, one more anything. How he would follow me out to the living room where I was studying over and over. How he wouldn't want to settle down and I would have to put on some Otis Redding and dance slowly with him to the same song over and over. How I would have to get my neighbor and friend to call me 30 minutes after bedtime so that I could say to Tyler 'Oh - I have to get the phone, stay right here and I'll be right back' and then he would go to sleep. I forgot about the time when he was 3 and I thought he was safely asleep upstairs at my moms only to walk into my room downstairs and find that he was up and patiently decorating my nightstand and everything on it with Vicks VapoRub, saying 'Look momma, it's shiny'. I forgot about when he was two and had night terrors every few days for a couple of months. I just forgot about the long road to get Tyler to being so good at bedtime and all the hard work that I put into it. In my mind, it had always been easy - but the truth is - it wasn't.
Problem # 5: Schedules and Life Change. We've had so many upheavals in our life since the little ones came along, it's a wonder we're all sane. Scotty worked from home and then didn't. He had 3 lay offs in 15 months and was here a lot with us and then he wasn't. He had a job where he traveled most of the week for a short time. He has worked crazy hours and not been here at all for bedtime. He has taken up soccer and spent one night a week gone for bedtime. He watches every other Cowboy game at his cousin's house and it seems like the Cowboys have the late game on Sundays a lot these days. I have worked real estate and been gone showing houses at night. I have gone back to work for a year and my kids didn't see me at all in the morning so bedtime was not just bedtime, it was a goodbye for them until the next afternoon. I quit work and stayed home again, throwing things off just one more time. I've then worked a temp job with late hours for just a week and screwed everything up again. The kids fight nap times and when they don't have one they are overtired and overwrought and can't be calmed enough to get to sleep. When I give up on a nap, they sometimes end up crashing out on the floor or couch for a very late nap which throws off bedtime completely because they just aren't tired. They miss their dad during the day and he misses them. They need time to play with him, but in order to do bedtime that has to be cut off eventually. We get visitors from out of town who we either see in Rowlett and come home late or who hang out at our house and the kids don't want to go to bed and miss any fun. It only takes the smallest change in our schedule to throw off the entire night and our routine, whatever that might be.
Problem # 6: We try to fix the problems. Everytime we attempt to make adjustments and make things better, somehow we create a new problem and make things worse. When Scooter and Riley wouldn't fall asleep for close to 3 hours being in the same bed, we moved the big bed to Tyler's room and put Riley and Tyler together. Riley didn't like falling asleep in the room alone and soon got in the habit of falling asleep on my bed and being moved. Scooter liked having a bed to himself again, but missed having Riley in his room and didn't want to be alone, coming out over and over again and falling asleep on the couch eventually. When we transitioned the kids back to their beds, they decided they needed someone with them to fall asleep and stay in bed, but they both always want MOM and I can't be in two rooms at once. With Tyler in the same bed as Riley and us laying down with him, Tyler can't go to bed until Riley is asleep. When we thought they were itching for more time with us to play in the evening we tried doing baths every other night and screwed up any kind of routine they were used to. When we tried bringing the bath back every night they fought it because they knew bedtime was coming soon when bath time started. When I tried having Riley in with Scooter for story time and prayer, the kids got all stirred up talking together, but when I try keeping it separate they wander into each other's rooms and mommy time. I read books for tips and ideas and try to implement them but end up with another thing the kids HAVE to do before bed. We watch supernanny religiously and try the back to bed technique, but the kids just yell 'GO AWAY' over and over again night after night. You get the picture.
AND the BIGGEST Problem of All: My kids are just different than each other and need different things. One bedtime routine for all just doesn't work. And neither does one bedtime. Lately I have just been trying to slow it all down and figure it out a little better. I have discovered that Scooter is a worry wart and if I take time to have a 'talk' with him at night, giving him precious moments to voice whatever is worrying him that day (this could be as simple as why flies fly or as complex as why Papa is in Heaven but our deceased cat is buried in the yard) and then pray together addressing his concerns, he is much more ready to stay put in bed and go to sleep. I have also learned that Riley is all about touch, still. When he was 9 months old, he was so obsessed with touching and pulling my hair to fall asleep I started buying fake hair pieces at the beauty supply store for him to hold as a security item (third kid, you learn that you do whatever it takes). For the better part of a year, I made sure we had one or two of these on hand at all times. It was really weird and Scott hated it, but Riley would hold onto those hair pieces and fall asleep all by himself. He eventually outgrew the hair fetish, but he still needs touch to go to sleep and something related to me works best. He falls asleep in my bed without my presence all the time, but he strokes my pillow case and snuggles into the smell of where I sleep to do it. And in his bed, if I am there, he will eventually roll over and go to sleep, but he likes to be able to reach out and touch me, stroking my arm or touching my hair or face. Sometimes it is enough if I just rub his back for a moment or rest next to him with my hand touching his. Scooter does better with a decent night light to fall asleep and Riley likes to have soft music playing in the background to calm down. You get the idea.
I have been diligently working this summer on turning my large front room that had been open to both entryway and kitchen into a big bedroom for all 3 kids. I have taken out a closet, built walls and installed a pocket door with the assistance of my dear dad. It's coming together nicely and I am planning on building the kids beds - each their own twin. I can't wait to paint and see how it all looks in the end. And I am hoping that bedtime will continue to get easier with this change. Scooter won't be alone to fall asleep, but they won't be in one bed to kick and bug each other. I can be with them both at one time and Tyler can go to bed whenever he likes. I can combine the bedtime routine, letting Scooter talk to me about his worries while Riley touches my arm to settle down. And I know that although this all sounds good, there are 5 other problems with this scenario lurking, waiting to pounce and mess us all up again. Scott and I know that the kids probably aren't getting the right amount asleep for their ages and that a set bedtime is the best way to handle this. We also know that if we can get a good routine down and keep to it, having some flexibility from time to time won't be as big of a deal. We just don't know what the best way is to get there. I am encouraged though in remembering the problems I had with Tyler because I can see that eventually things will get better. I also know that compared to some people, my problems are easy. At least the kids sleep in their own beds and usually stay there. At least I don't have a little one wandering the house at night or getting up at 4 and staying up. We'll get to a good bedtime place eventually. I just hope it's sooner rather than later, and I hope I have the patience to endure. And eventually, maybe I'll have a straight answer for someone when they ask what the kids bedtime is.
Thanks and God Bless!
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