Biblical Discipline - Literally!

Discipline, Punishment, Consequences.  This is not a fun part of parenting.  In fact it's probably the least fun part of parenting there is.  And unfortunately it's only the most crucial, important, fundamental part of parenting.  It just sucks - ain't gonna lie.

You don't start out a pregnancy or mommyhood thinking too much about discipline.  It's not one of those things you sit down and plot out before you start your journey, but discipline starts early - even when you don't realize you are doing it.  I had a friend point out to me recently that we really start modeling our kids behavior as babies.  When your newborn bites you while nursing, you gently press their face into your skin so they have to unclench their jaw to take a breath.  When your ten month old throws cheerios on the floor or whacks you in the face with a spoon, you say 'No, No' and take the items of destruction away or remove them from their highchair.

When toddlerhood hits and the seedlings of real rebellion start to sprout we graduate to a more defined form of discipline.  Some people spank, others use time outs and still others start immediately with proportional consequences.  But even at that point, I don't think most of us think through what measures of discipline we will use for teaching our children right from wrong when they get older, taller and smarter.  Maybe I'm wrong and you and your hubby have a definite plan and set course of action, but I don't.  Some days I really don't have a clue and I am not ashamed to admit it.

First of all, I don't think that there is one form of discipline that works for all children.  Kids are so different from each other and so are their best forms of motivation.  Some kids do great with time outs because they hate missing anything that's going on and hate being separated from the action.  Others aren't fazed by the moments to themselves because they enjoy the quiet and the satisfaction from knowing they got to their parents a little bit.  Some kids do well with losing priveleges because they can't stand the thought of a toy or game or opportunity to slip away for even a moment, other kids just shrug and find something else to do without regretting the change in scenery.  The trick is finding the thing that works for your kid, and for me it's also figuring out how to change the methods as my children grow so that they are still effective.

Which brings me to Tyler.  Last night after school Tyler mentioned a website his art teacher had told him about and suggested he check out at home since her computer was down yesterday and they couldn't do it in class.  Fine, I said, but not until you finish your regular homework.  I know, he said, I knew you would say that but can I when I'm done?  Sure thing.  So off he went to his room to start the homework and I soon heard the refrains of classic rock playing on his radio while he worked.  I started prepping dinner and switching out laundry and a half hour later my son came out of the computer room, not his room, with a printed sheet from the computer (homework not done, mind you).  'Mom, I know you will be disappointed, but I wanted to see that website so I went ahead and checked it out.  See?'

Okay, I admit, I was dumbfounded.  Defiance is a normal thing in a house with three children.  It's constant.  My kids are continually trying to express their independence and do what they want, when they want.  I am constantly trying to keep them on track, teach them patience, routine and basic obedience.  Sometimes I swear I feel like all I am doing is herding cattle, trying to keep them all in line.  And I am used to my two year old yelling 'No' when I tell him to do something, because he's two.  I am used to my four year old hearing me and then just doing what he wants anyway.  These are things that are normal preschooler behavior.  I have dealt with them before and I will deal with them just about every day for a while.  But Tyler is really kind of past all of that.

Tyler is really a great kid.  He genuinely hates to disappoint people and tends to be harder on himself than we are on him.  Yes, we have problems occasionally.  We had an incident this spring where I learned he had been lying to me about finishing his homework for a short span so that he could go outside to play faster.  That was a doozie - lying.  Getting him to clean his room and keep it clean is a constant battle.  He can be a major procrastinator which bugs the crud out of me.  And every year when school starts we have a week or two of serious attitude adjustment as he settles in to the routine again.  Blatant disobedience is not his thing, though.  We might have had preschooler issues with that like any other family, but for years it hasn't been that way.  It's just not something I am used to.

I sat there for a good thirty seconds with what I am sure was a completely blank look on my face.  I know my mouth was hanging open.  I didn't yell though, which I thought was good.  When he tried to show me the paper and what he had done, I took it from him and told him I would look later.  I told him I couldn't believe he had just completely ignored what I had said and disobeyed me so directly and I sent him back to his room to do his work.  At dinner, he apologized, but I made it clear that disobedience was not okay.  I told him there would be a consequence.  'That's not fair, it was just a website my teacher told me to look at.  It wasn't any big deal.'  Oh yes it was.

Honestly, I don't remember being directly disobedient to my parents, although I am sure I was.  Maybe I had it all worked out of me by the time was a teenager or maybe my parents worked it out of me by then, but I was basically a pretty good kid, I think.  Mom would probably agree and also tell you that I had my share of defiance too.  But I wasn't the kind of kid who snuck out of the house or partied all the time or swiped the keys to the car and went cruising.  My disobedience was more along the lines of talking back to my parents and having serious attitude issues (don't all teenagers?) I think.  Anyway - it's hard to remember everything, but I don't really remember directly defying my parents too much, although there were definitely a couple of instances that are clear in my memory.  I was too afraid of the look of disappointment on their faces to do too much wrong and pretty much walked the line.  I guess my parents were excellent at the discipline thing.  Wish I was.

My hubby and I looked at each other and weren't sure where to start on this one.  What's a reasonable consequence?  On one hand, he's kind of right.  The website itself wasn't a big deal.  But the disobedience was.  Kind of like the lying last spring.  The actual act of skipping out on homework was bad (and managed by me checking all homework until the end of the year), but not as bad to me as the lying which is what I punished him for and made sure he knew that was what the punishment was for.

So what's appropriate for a ten year old in this instance - and for that matter, my ten year old?  I called a friend with five older children to ask what she thought.  'I need a consequence' I said.  'Give him a scissors and tell him to mow the lawn' she answered, without missing a beat.  She hadn't even heard the offense yet - I love her.  I think she knew that if I was calling to ask it was either something super serious or something I hadn't been faced with yet.  When I told her what had happened she asked if spanking was an option.  (You gotta love a friend like that, didn't tell me what I should or shouldn't do or how I should parent, just asked if one of the options was something I would consider.)

Here's the thing about spanking - I just don't like it.  I have spanked my children on occasion.  Usually it's just one well placed smack on the bottom when things are really spiraling out of control to bring them back to the present and give them a reminder that I am in charge and things are going to go my way.  But spanking isn't something I do often.  First of all, it was never super effective with Tyler.  There were a couple of times as a 3 year old that it kind of worked, but for the most part all it ever did with him was make him mad and make things worse.  It wasn't something that he ever really responded to.  I guess it's just that logical part of him that needs to process with his brain, not his rear end.  It works really well for Scooter, however.  When he's getting hysterical and really pushing the limits, I can give him one swat and he will cry for a second and then immediately calm down and be ready for an actual behavior intervention.  I haven't figured out Riley on this one yet, but I know the chance is looming.

My fear with spanking has so many levels, it's kind of ridiculous.  First of all, it doesn't feel good.  It makes me feel sick inside to do it usually, which I think is a big indicator that it's not a good form of discipline for ME to use - even if my kids would benefit from it.  I know there are people out there who think I should suck it up and do it, my kids could use a good whooping and there are others horrified that I would consider it ever.  I worry that if I do it I am teaching them aggression.  After all, spanking a child because he hit his brother isn't really teaching them a lesson, it's teaching them to hit again.  I worry that if I don't spank (spare the rod and all that) that they will be spoiled.  I worry that if I spank them out of anger, they aren't really learning the lesson I want to teach, they are just learning not to make mommy mad or she'll spank you.  There have been many moments in my parenting adventure that what I really wanted to do was beat my kid silly.  And that's truly frightening.  It's in those moments I can see where a lot of child abuse comes from.  It probably doesn't start out with 'I'm gonna have a kid and then I'm gonna punish and beat and hurt the living daylights out of them.'  It probably starts with frustration and anger and a loss of control. 

And control is the real reason that I don't use spanking as a regular form of discipline for my children.  I don't want to control my children, especially with force.  I don't want to show them that I am bigger and stronger and scarier than they are so they better behave.  What I want to do is control the situation, the environment they live in and most importantly what I am teaching them to be.  So finding alternative forms of discipline is paramount for me, even though I am not afraid of an occasional well aimed slap on the hiney.  My parents spanked me and I didn't suffer for it. I don't have any risidual anger or bitterness over it. I can't remember how it felt really or any particular instance of it, so it's not all bad and I know it in my bones.


And really, with Tyler, he's 10.  He's now less than ten inches shorter than I am and truthfully it's probably been four years since I even tried to spank him - and that time it didn't go well at all.  So would a spanking have worked?  Maybe if I got out a belt, I guess - but that's never been an option for me even though I know a multitude of men who swear that being belted as preteens and teenagers made them sit up and take notice and taught them lessons they never forgot.  (I think the belt is a predominantly southern thing by the way, no one I know from Wisconsin has ever told me one of those stories that had anything to do with normal discipline.)  But again, Tyler is so logical I usually have to fight with my brain, not my body, when dealing with him.

So next option - grounding.  We grounded Tyler after the lying episode and it was his first serious grounding.  I did it for 10 days (he's 10 - figured if the minute per age thing worked for time outs, a day per age would work for grounding) which a relative told me was excessive.  But the thing about it was, during that 10 days he was gone to his dad's for a weekend and had two Wednesday night visits with his dad.  Things I cannot deny him as part of his punishment, so I had to extend and I also had to realize it wasn't super effective if he was getting breaks in the middle.  Don't get me wrong - he learned his lesson and was ready to be off of restriction when it was over, but I didn't really like the extended time period of punishment.  It's kind of a punishment for the parent as well.  I mean, you've got a kid stuck in the house, no video games or computer as distraction, no playing outside with his brothers.  It's kind of painful for me too, and that's not how this whole thing is supposed to work.

Also, I don't think you can choose one form of punishment for a child and think it will work forever.  Grounding should be used, but not every single time.  I had a friend in school that got grounded constantly.  I mean, she got grounded for the littlest thing and the time period always started with a minimum of two weeks and it just kept getting longer and longer.  I would call her and she'd say 'I am not supposed to be on the phone, I'm grounded for a month (or two)'.  And it wasn't really effective.  Her parents both worked so she snuck out before they got home or snuck us in.  She gabbed on the phone while she knew her parents were in the car and couldn't call to check (pre-cell phone age).  When she got older, she snuck out at night after curfews.  This friend was grounded so much, she spent all her energy and time working out ways to get around it.  (Sweet friend, if you are reading this today, I know you are smiling as I am since I am fairly certain I helped you work around it a few times myself.)  Anyway, too much of one thing doesn't really work.  You gotta keep your kids on their toes!

So back to Tyler - what to do?  My friend made a joke during the conversation about making him copy out the book of Proverbs.  Wait - what?  Rewind.  She's a teacher and I am not, so for her the thought of making kids write as a consequence was completely natural wheras I hadn't even considered it for an at-home punishment.  What an idea!  She said she often will have the kids copy passages from the bible as their consequence because writing 'I will not disobey my parents' five hundred times might take time and cramp their hand, but remember what that was like in school?  You just wanted to get it done, you weren't really thinking about the reason for why you were doing it anymore by line twenty.  And, she said, anything will work - try Shakespeare for a teenager for example - because if it's not a repetitive line they have to pay attention to what they are writing and writing takes time.  She will use Bible passages with her own children since she can usually find one or more that relate to the particular offense which will really make them think.

Okay - Love it!  But is it wise to use the Bible as a form of punishment?  Maybe, maybe not.  I'll try not to go parochial shool on my kids, but this is a great idea!  Maybe not the entire book of Proverbs, but still a great idea.  So, while Tyler finished his homework I looked up a couple of things and when he came out I wrote down two passages I wanted him to copy.  Ephesians 6:1-3 "Children, obey your parents as the Lord wants, because this is the right thing to do. The command says 'Honor your father and mother.' This is the first command that has a promise with it-'Then everything will be well with you, and you, and you will have a long life on the earth.'"  And Proverbs 3:1-12 which ends with 11&12: "My child, do not reject the Lord's discipline, and don't get angry when he corrects you. The Lord corrects those he loves, just as parents correct the child they delight in."

Tyler sat down and spent about 40 minutes writing it all out while Scott and I put the little munchkins to bed.  What I wanted was to have him read it back to me and then have a talk about why obedience was important, etc. and possibly why he thought I had picked those verses.  However, such is life that Riley took forever to get to sleep last night and by the time I came out Tyler was very ready for bed too.  We did discuss obedience though, how God commands it and also how it is important because we are doing our jobs by providing for him and teaching him.  We have reasons for what we ask of him, even if he doesn't see them and it's important to always obey - even on the little stuff.  He had taken the two pages of verses and taped them to his door though and when I looked at it this morning, I noticed an additional page taped next to it.  I would like to share it with you:

Goals for today
- be a good student
- be a good friend
- be responsible
- follow all rules
- be a good son
- be a good brother
- be a good person to God!

Pretty lofty goals for one day, I think, but his heart is true which I love.  I didn't ask Tyler to do this and I didn't ask him to tape up the verses on his door.  But obviously they made some small impact and in this instance the consequence was fitting and effective which is what I am always looking for.  I want the discipline to fit the crime and I want to be a parent that teaches, not berates.  I think I did okay this time, thanks to some great suggestions from a dear friend.

But, I want you to know that when I sign off today, I will be doing a little writing of my own.  What's good for the kid, is good for the parent - right?  I will be copying out Ephesians 6:4 twenty times and taping it up in my kitchen: "Fathers, do not make your children angry, but raise them with the training and teaching of the Lord."

Thanks and God Bless!