Thanksgiving is just a few days away - the Holidays are looming once again. Even though I love Christmas, I am not a huge fan of Thanksgiving. Not only do I just not like Turkey (love all the fixins, but bring on the ham!), it always seems like a super lot of work for such a small blip of time whereas the prep time for Christmas is spread out over weeks and then if you do it right the enjoyment of Christmas gets to be spread out over several days. I love the food, yes, but all the cooking and then the cleaning up for a 20 minute meal is just crazy to me. It also seems weird to me that we focus on being thankful this one day of the year since I try to be thankful for what I have every day. And then, of course, there is the obvious thing for me that Christmas is a spiritual day and Thanksgiving is not.
For a few years stretch, when Tyler was little, my parents were always gone on Thanksgiving. My dad has traditionally went hunting in Wisconsin that week and as we got older my mom traveled with him to visit family. So I would find myself a single mom with Tyler alone for the week and because I wasn't really doing anything I would send Tyler off to his dad's for the holiday every year. Thanksgiving would dawn and while other families were scrambling to get Turkeys in ovens, stuffing made and pies cooling, I slept in. My uncle Greg used to always have to work on Thanksgiving and his family would go to Gainesville for the day to be with Lynda's family. For a couple of years, I would go pick him up from work and we'd go have lunch together at a restaurant - one year we went to a very authentic chinese place for some fabulous food - no turkey. After I took him back to work, I would go to a movie (movie theatres are great on Thanksgiving). Later I would drive myself over to my friend Claudia's house and nibble on leftovers and pie with my second family. Asheley did this with me one year, but mostly I did it on my own. Those were actually some of my favorite Thanksgiving holidays. No muss, no fuss.
But now I am a married woman with 2 more children and even more family members to consider. My parents don't travel for the holiday much anymore and Scott's family usually gathers at his grandmother's house in Cedar Creek. We do our best to fit all family in, but it's extremely difficult to shuffle everyone around and please everyone. And no matter what I do, we are always missing something. If you know me at all, you know that I hate to miss anything, any party, any family gathering. Last year we ended up with almost the perfect holiday - Scott ran the Turkey Trot in the early morning then we gathered at mom's for a Thanksgiving brunch (ham, potato dumplings, stuffing, fabulous!), I took a nap on mom's bed with all 3 of my kiddos then got up to make a dish to take to Scott's Aunt Bonnie's for a full dinner with his family. We didn't miss anything or anybody! Couldn't ask for more! I didn't have to feel guilty that we missed something and the kids got to be with all families. Pretty darn awesome.
I wish more holidays could be that way. I spend an awful lot of time each year trying to figure out how to make everything work and keep everyone happy for the holidays. In addition to negotiating two families events so that my marriage stays happy, I also have to figure in Tyler's schedule with his dad. And that's the rub - because as much as I hate to miss something, I hate it when my kid misses something more. And he's ALWAYS missing something. If he's with his dad he's missing our get togethers and if he's with me he's missing theirs. I can usually find a way at Christmas to get Tyler time with everyone on my side even if it means stepping on some toes or leaving places early for exchanges, but you do what you gotta do! Still, no matter how diplomatic or fair I try to be, someone's feelings always get hurt, someone's always annoyed with me or thinks I should do it differently or better. Easy for them to say - they aren't living my life!
About 2 weeks before Thanksgiving my stomach starts hurting and I start getting headaches. As much as I love having family get togethers, I dread the stress of making it all work. I start asking about family plans way before people are actually ready to make decisions because I know I've got to figure it all out. And even though I love Christmas more than anything in the world, some of the joy has been stripped for me because of trying to make all the logistics work and be an advocate for my kid that isn't here all the time. Holidays shouldn't be this stressful! And I'm not even talking about finding time and money for gift shopping or making cookies, I'm just talking family-time management.
Through the years, I have learned one key lesson in all this - Let go of the Day. The actual day that we celebrate is not as important as getting together and celebrating in some way on a day somewhere close to the actual holiday. It doesn't matter if we have Thanksgiving dinner on the last Thursday of the month, just so we get together and have it. Same goes for Christmas. Santa has come to our house early the last 3 years so that Tyler can open gifts with his brothers before he goes off to his dad's and still have some time to enjoy his gifts before leaving. My parents have also learned this lesson and been extremely gracious about it. Traditionally our family has celebrated Christmas on Christmas Eve, but as soon as I married Scott they gave that up so that we could go to a big extended family get together for his family every year on that night. They are super awesome to just make things work when they can work.
And even though it's been an adjustment for my in-laws, they too have made sacrifices and schedule changes to accomodate our craziness. My sister-in-law is now having to make similar schedule miracles with her split and blended family so we are lucky if we are all together at any one time around a holiday, but we do our best to make it happen as best we can. Brian and I have a really good working relationship as far as Tyler's schedule goes, but there are still occasional hurt feelings or disappointment on both sides because at the end of the day we both want him with us. He has siblings both places he should get to enjoy and be with. He has 4 sets of grandparents to try and make happy. When things don't go the perfect, ideal way, I find myself chanting under my breath 'let go of the day, let go of the day, let go of the day'.
In addition to letting go, I also do my best to focus on the most important parts of a holiday instead of all the commercial craziness that can come with it. This year for Thanksgiving we have the added special company of my Aunt Kaye from Wisconsin. Normally I would be putting my foot down with my husband and insisting we celebrate Thanksgiving with my family so that we could be with her, but my mom is so awesome she is having Thanksgiving a day early so that we can do both. Tyler will be with his dad, so again someone is missing, but the rest of us will get a full day to focus on each family and when Tyler comes home on Friday we will make sure to spend a full day with each family again over the weekend.
After the disastrous end to my Christmas tree last year, I had really wanted to plan a family outing to East Texas to cut down our own real tree this year, but with all the family holiday broo-ha-ha and alternating weekends with Tyler I was forced to make a choice between going to get the tree on the one day we could do it or another event. I have chosen to just buy another pre-lit tree so that we can go as a family to a local church and do and Advent family craft. We will be making 18 ornaments as a family that represent different Bible stories from Creation to the Birth of Christ. Starting our holiday season with the real reason in mind is more important to me than an outing to East Texas, that can wait a year or two.
For once the school calendar is finally cooperating with the legal custody agreements of half the nation and Tyler can actually go to his dad's for the week leading up to Christmas (it's literally been years, I always have to let him go the week after which limits our Christmas celebration time with him and it's supposed to alternate). I will get him back sometime on Christmas Eve which means I will be leaving the big family party at Scott's Aunt Bonnie's early again (already preparing for the guilt, the boos and the disappointment of missing my turn for Dirty Santa game), but for once my kids will get to enjoy a Christmas morning all together on the actual morning. We haven't done that since Scooter was an infant. So happy for Scotty on this one since he's been a real trooper giving up his tradition as well. My parents usually try to show up for the kids big Christmas here and then later we will go to Scott's mom for a whole other Christmas Day throw down and then dinner with all their cousins. Last year we just couldn't make an alternate day work for Tyler so he missed the whole thing and opened his presents there almost 2 weeks after Christmas.
I am hopeful that this year is better than last since I am not working full time and can actually devote myself to some baking and enjoying the kids excitement. I am hoping that I can do Christmas shopping some other time than at midnight without my hubby to help and that this year when I sit down in front of the presents just itching to be opened I will actually get through the story of Christ's birth to my preschoolers who barely acknowledged my presence last year in their excitement. I am remaining hopeful.
And I am also remaining Thankful. Thankful that some of my friends and family who have been battling cancers and illnesses are still with us to celebrate. Thankful that even though I don't always have Tyler with me, he is always with family that loves him. Thankful that Scott and I have found some kind of balance for family holidays that doesn't leave us resentful. Thankful that my entire family is healthy and happy and fairly well adjusted. Thankful that both Scott and I have been blessed with a new niece and a new nephew (and a new cousin) to add to our family celebrations and joys. Thankful that we are employed and fairly stable and that we have completed the 4 month remodel project on 2 rooms (only 7 more to go :) ). Thankful that people are actually fighting over having us with them instead of fighting to have us as far away from them as possible (insert giggle). Thankful that the problem we face is not that there isn't family to celebrate with but too much family to choose from and try to make happy. Thankful that the problem we have is that there is just too much fun to be had, not the other way around. Thankful, just Thankful.
Thanks and God Bless!
No comments:
Post a Comment