Not 'MY' Kid . . .

You never think it'll be your kid that will be a problem. No matter how much you know that you are not perfect and that your parenting techniques have flaws and that you know you screw up on a daily basis, you think that overall you have good kids and your kids will probably make good choices and not cause major problems. Until they make unwise choices and cause problems.

Not that my kids are making really bad choices or causing huge problems YET. I'll admit to being worried though. Because once the sweet little cuties that you tearfully send off to kindergarten get a little bigger, they truly are on their own and responsible for themselves. They really don't tell you everything and the kid you see at home isn't necessarily the kid they are out in the real world all the time.

It's not a secret that we have been struggling this year with Tyler's school work and situation. The stress and the frustration have had me considering options for his education that I would have previously thought inconceivable for me. I've been strenuously trying to not jump off a cliff and instead put one foot in front of the other to find answers to my questions and not make things worse. It's a parenting battle that I wasn't prepared for, that I didn't see coming. Tyler's always been so good at school and loved learning so much that I didn't forsee having a problem with school, maybe ever. But prepared for it or not, I am facing it every day right now.

In an effort to go slowly and arm myself with information before I made any dramatic changes, I requested a parent-teacher conference with all 3 of his teachers. I went in nervous, but armed with a list of questions, ideas and quite a bit of self-righteous pride and a feeling of looking for justice. I was going to make those teachers see the truth! Ahh, but how the mighty have fallen. God has humbled me this week, taught me that even though I think I know my children, I am not always privy to the truth either.

I opened the meeting by explaining to the teachers how much stress Tyler was under and how the stress was showing itself by Tyler acting out more at home. I was ready to launch into my list of reasons for the stress and what I thought could be done about it on their end when they took the wind right out of my sails. They had noticed a change in Tyler too. Tyler was acting out at school now, getting more vocal and physical. He's very verbal anyway, they said, but now when he was frustrated or disagreed with someone he was getting louder and more aggressive with his friends and sometimes even doing things like pushing them while making his point. I'm sorry - WHAT? Not bad enough to send him to the office yet, but something they had to bring to his attention and correct on an almost daily basis.

When were they going to tell me? If I hadn't requested the conference, I might never have known this was happening until it got to the point where he was sent to the office for pushing too hard or fighting or something worse. I was angry that I hadn't been told about the behavior previously. But, I was also humbled. Tyler has never been an aggressive kid. He's a boy and can be rough, but he shies away from a fight usually. For him to be acting in this way makes me want to cry because I wonder what he's not telling me about how he's feeling. What's making him react this way and what do I need to do to help him?

The rest of the conference went well, but I was also distressed to learn that Tyler's attention drifts in class. Staying focused is a problem, but all present thought it was coming from boredom. Once Tyler has a concept down, he doesn't want to pay attention anymore, thinks that he can zone out and not perk up again until the teacher moves on to something else. One of the major themes with Tyler seems to be that he 'gets' it, he knows he 'gets' it, the teachers know he 'gets' it, but he doesn't always want to show them by completing his work that he 'gets' it. His excessive homework isn't what is being assigned each night, it's the daily work he's not finishing in class because he isn't staying focused and on task. And then there are the endless organizational challenges.

I left the school more confused than when I went in. I had been prepared to pull Tyler from his Magnet school to lighten his load before I went, but by the time I got home I knew that wasn't the answer. Less challenging work is not going to be helpful for Tyler. Keeping him interested and engaged is going to be a challenge, but essential. He asked me repeatedly that night and the next morning to tell him what had happened in the conference, but I held off talking to him until last night.

I needed to think things through and figure out where to start on helping Tyler. So last night we sat down very calmly and began a discussion and process that lasted a couple of hours. It was emotionally exhausting for both of us. I told him what they had said about his actions. At first he was full of denials, telling me they all had it backwards. So all 3 teachers and 1 aide are seeing something completely wrong Tyler? He was so sad, hiding his face, always worried about disappointing us. I stayed calm and told him he wasn't in trouble and no one was angry with him. We were just worried. We had a long discussion about proportional responses and how lately his reactions were way over the top even at home. At school these reactions are resulting in more arguments with his friends and inappropriate behavior there, but at home the results are more back-talk and attitude, more fights with his brothers, less patience. I wasn't sure I was doing this right, but when Tyler took a bathroom break Scott paused in cleaning up the kitchen to tell me I was doing a great job. The proportional discussion was the right tack to take. That was all the encouragement I needed to keep trudging through.

We talked about his focus and about showing his work and why those things were important. He opened up to me about all kinds of things that were going on with his work that even his teachers hadn't mentioned. We went through his binder and reorganized and simplified. We came up with a game plan and made a checklist for the front of his binder to help him remember what needed to be done every day. He went off to school this morning so much more confident. I know we have a long road ahead of us still, but I think last night was huge.

And I think my kid was reassured to know that he wasn't alone. All he hears at school anymore is how he needs to be responsible for himself. When he forgets things here, even though we try to help him, he has known that he was responsible. But what Tyler didn't get was that it didn't all have to be completely on his shoulders. He didn't know that it was okay to use tools to help him remember even though we have tried to give him those tools. He didn't really get that he could share with me what his struggles were without worrying I would be disappointed or angry, even though I give him every opportunity for that. He felt alone. Even though I have done everything I could to show him differently, Tyler felt alone because he's the kind of kid that internalizes absolutely everything.

This morning at breakfast Tyler told me that he thought it would be good if every afternoon he told me how is day was and about each class so that I would understand and know since I wasn't there with him. It would also probably help him remember what he needed to do at night because he would be thinking about the whole day instead of just what was written down in his binder. It kind of cracked me up. After all, every single day when he comes home from school I ask him how his day was and what he needs to do, but his answer is always something like 'fine, I guess'. It's not like I haven't been doing the right stuff, we have just been misfiring somewhere.

The teachers were all in unanimous agreement that Tyler is extremely intelligent and that his reading level is literally off the charts high, he gets math intuitively without having to think about it, he loves anything hands on in science and is the most engaged at that time. He needs more to keep his interest going and if we can get him through this year and next then when he gets to middle school he will probably do great with pre-AP classes. When I had been walking into school I ran into his 3rd grade teacher who asked what I was doing there. When I told her Tyler was struggling so I had requested a conference, Ms. Patterson said 'Well, you know Tyler is such a high-level thinker that he will occasionally have problems fitting into the system, the standard formula, but you are doing the exact right thing to help him by being here and asking questions.' I was really grateful for her encouragement because I know she knows Tyler as a student better than anyone.

And it's true that Tyler won't always fit into the system, I get that, which is why I have been researching homeschooling even though I swore I would never want to do that. We aren't there yet and I am not sure it's a solution that would work for us anyway, but it's an option for keeping him challenged. At the end of the night, I told Tyler that I knew it was frustrating being told what he needed to learn and to not have choices. This is something that didn't bother him as a small child, but as he grows it's becoming more obvious. When he's a little older he will have the opportunity to choose electives which will help. On his REACH days, he gets to choose a 9-week special interest to study which he loves. This time he chose Sign Language and it amazed me how much he picked up and remembered with just the first 45 minute lesson. When he's interested and engaged he is so intense. He's been bugging me for months to get him materials to learn Spanish or to put him in a class for it, telling me that we should do it now because he will absorb more while he's younger. Hard to argue with that logic, but our time schedule has been so limited because of homework time that I couldn't see getting it in. I told him last night that if he started to stay more focused at school and get more done during the day so there was less homework then he can choose something to learn at home. Spanish! At least it's something I can teach him. Show me that we can get this under control and make some progress and then I will devote some time to Spanish with you. He was excited and I think it will help to have something to motivate him.

We're going to get through this, and hopefully Tyler will learn some invaluable skills along the way. Hopefully his love of learning will stay in tact and he will continue to care about his work. But it's still frustrating when you discover that your kid isn't entirely what you thought he was. That he isn't telling you every single little thing anymore. That he could very easily turn into 'THAT' kid. How little of a turn here could make him become the kid that fights at school or never does his homework or skates by and does the bare minimum. What little twist or influence will inspire him to make a wrong choice like swiping the keys and crashing the car as a teenager or turn into a bully because he's bored with classes and needs something to entertain him during his long school days? I still think Tyler is a wonderful kid and I still want to believe that I am doing everything I can to help him make responsible choices and that he will stay a good kid. But I am a little bit more wary and wise this week, knowing that it isn't always advisable to constantly believe 'not MY kid' regarding just about anything.

Thanks and God Bless!