Raising a Man of Integrity . . .

I have three really great kids. I know I've been complaining a lot lately, but really - they are so good. Seriously. I have kids that I can take into any store on almost any day and they will behave themselves. I can take them to restaurants without fear that they will be that kid throwing a temper tantrum in the middle of the floor. You know the kid that everyone around you wishes would get a good spanking? Not mine, not usually anyway. My kids love each other and have kind hearts. They are sweet, sensitive and giving. Most of the time. They aren't perfect and they all have their moments where they stretch my patience, but the core of them, their character, is just good.

I mentioned to you the other day that Tyler had kind of broken down and had a breakthrough regarding his school work. It was a tough night, for both of us. But at the moment, I hadn't realized how significant one little thing that he did that night was. I didn't find out until two days later. And it turned out to be a stellar example of Tyler's character. Actually, now that I think about it there were two examples of his goodness last week.

I had emailed Tyler's teacher earlier in the week to verify the Biome project due date so that I could calm one of the other mothers in our little group down, but didn't hear back from her until later in the week, after our meltdown. She had been out for a conference, but she gave me the information and then told me that Tyler was going to have 2 zeroes for 2 assignments in class he hadn't turned in for Math. She explained how Tyler knew about them, had been reminded repeatedly. She also told me that Tyler's classroom job is to organize all assignments and papers so he knew what everyone was missing, not just his own work. She said he had ample opportunity to finish the assignments and she had given him one last chance on Tuesday. She didn't want me to be surprised with his grade.

A side note here - I couldn't get Tyler's teacher last year to communicate with me at all, so I was super pleased to get this email. I would much rather get the bad news directly than try to squeeze it out of a non-communicative 10 year old. I try to be an involved parent so when I don't get any feedback I get annoyed. So far so good for the 5th grade teacher!

Anyway, I answered her email telling her that I knew about the 2 assignments already. Tyler had shown them to me, but he thought he already had the zeroes and that it was too late. I told her I would have insisted he do the work regardless and we even discussed it, but in teaching him to prioritize we had elected to save those for last that night since they were already zeroes. At 10 p.m. we quit for the night, leaving them undone. If I had known, I would have changed the plan, but what's done is done. I also told her that we had been trying to let Tyler struggle and screw up so that he could learn how to do this on his own. That it looked like to me he was not having a problem with the material, just prioritizing and organizing. Time management is definitely an issue, not knowing how to multiply large numbers. I mentioned that I had prepared Tyler for a bad report card, that we were used to seeing A's with a rare B and this would be hard for all of us. I also told her that I thought we had reached a turning point and that we were hoping the 2nd six weeks would be much better.

On Thursday night, Tyler came to me and said that his teacher had kind of given him a compliment that day. Really? What? He said that she had pulled him aside and told him she had gotten an email from me and that she had been surprised to find out that he had told me about his missing assignments. She was proud of him because he was honest about it and that it showed 'some word that was like intager-something'. Integrity? I asked. Yes, that's it. What does that mean? I explained to him that integrity was basically honesty and forthrightness. Being morally responsible even when no one would ever know if you weren't. It's a really good thing sweetie, it's one of those things that mom really wants you to have and to be. His teacher had then reassured him that although he was going to have a C for math this six weeks, he didn't fail. She also told him that most kids have a tough time the first six weeks of fifth grade, it's normal, and it will get better, he would get better.

Tyler went to do his homework and I just sat there beaming. The truth is that I constantly worry about how I am going to teach my kids the big stuff. How do I teach them to be what I want them to be: Honest, respectful, generous, compassionate, empathetic, understanding, patient, hard working - the list goes on. Most of this comes from modeling, but it's really hard to know if your lessons are sinking in. It's impossible to see if how you are teaching your kids and what you are teaching them is going to be something they absorb and become. And at the end of it all, you can only do so much - it's going to come down to their character and Tyler's character is awesome. He has integrity.

Scott and I sat outside in the cool evening last night for a long time, talking about our kids. When I told him this story, he said for the thousandth time 'Tyler's a great kid. We don't have to worry about Tyler.' And then he told me about Tyler's den meeting the week before, how a lot of the kids didn't take the excersizes seriously, how they blew everything off and were just using the hour to be with friends and away from their parents. But when he peeked around the corner or listened at the door, Tyler was always paying attention, listening and working diligently. He took it all seriously and was working hard. He was nice to all the kids and didn't stick with any one clique even though he has several friends in the group.

Last week, on that crucial night, Tyler had chosen not to go to his first Pack meeting. He had made the decision himself because he knew he needed to get his work done. He could have gone and told me about his work later, I wouldn't have known since he had 2 hours with his dad between school and the meeting. He showed maturity and responsibility by choosing what he needed to do over what he wanted to do. And it turned out that even though he had only been in Cub Scouts for a couple of weeks, he had already earned 2 awards that he would have received at that meeting. None of the other new scouts had earned anything yet, but Tyler had. Because he took it seriously and made the effort. Because he adhered to the code. Because he has integrity.

Parenting can be tough because you don't always see the results of your efforts until it's too late to change the game plan. Poor Tyler is always my guinea pig. With 6 years between him and Scooter, I have the ability to see some consequences or benefits of my actions and make adjustments or improvements for the next two kids. The big stuff you try and teach your kids, you don't usually know if it's working for a long, long time. I am so glad I got to see this week a glimpse of the man that Tyler is becoming and to know that I haven't screwed up completely.

I couldn't tell you exactly what I've done to help Tyler be this awesome kid and it's probably mostly not me but who he is, but I do know of one very important and very prevalent key in all this: Tyler is surrounded by men of integrity - my dad, his dad, his dad's dad, my uncles, his uncles, some awesome cousins (like Dougie and David!) and some very wonderful male friends of mine and my parents that Tyler spends time with. And - I married the right man! Scott is most definitley a man of Integrity. He models it every day to my children and with any luck, all three of my boys will be men of integrity too.

Have a great weekend and God Bless!