The Joy of 'Big' Boys . . .

I was really getting the hang of this not waking up early thing until Tyler had to return to school this morning after his winter break and the stupid alarm clock woke me at 6 a.m. again. It physically hurt to get out of bed that early again and now I am contemplating a virtual countdown on my computer for Spring Break.

In some ways I was really ready for Tyler to go back to school so that we could get back into our schedule here. Sleeping until 9 and then lounging in our pajamas until noon or after hasn't really helped me get going on the myriad of projects on my to-do list. He riles the kids up and gets them into things they would never ask me for during a normal day, including extra snacks. And watching him lay around playing video games while I try to find the energy to switch laundry around and clean bathrooms just makes me crazy. He helps when I ask him to, but mostly he just wants to enjoy his time off. I don't blame him, but it isn't making my job any easier.

On the other hand, I really love having Tyler home with me. He's old enough to have a really fun conversation with and it's nice to not just be surrounded by preschooler babble all day. He plays with the little ones quite a bit and keeps them occupied. When Tyler is on hand to help with getting toys off of high shelves, push play on a movie, help Scooter with a video game, open a cheese stick package, lay on the floor and help Riley get a puzzle started or put a broken toy back together my life is a whole lot easier and less chaotic. It's really nice to have an extra set of hands around so that I am not running for the little ones non-stop.

The best part about Tyler being home with the younger kids though, is that they stop acting so young. Scooter and Riley adore their older brother and they, of course, want to do just about everything he does. It isn't always possible, certainly, but that doesn't mean they won't try. It's amazing to me how much less they need me during the day when Tyler is around. Yes, he's a big help, but they also ask for considerably less attention all the way around when their big brother is there. Even when Tyler takes a break and loses himself in a book, ignoring everyone and everything around him, Scooter and Riley tend to fend for themselves more than when he's absent.

After shuffling home on New Year's Day sometime in the early afternoon (we spent the night at Scott's mom's with all his relatives - I struggled to stay awake until midnight then got a second wind and made it through a full game of Mexican train which kept us all up until 5 a.m.), Scott trudged outside to begin putting together the trampoline. He finished the base work before dark and then Sunday morning the two of us tackled the safety net installation for a few hours before it was finally ready to be jumped on. This trampoline might be the best investment ever. The kids love the thing and don't seem to need my constant attention to use it. Score!

I am so accustomed to Scooter begging me to be outside with the boys while they play, it's kind of strange to me that they will literally spend hours out on that trampoline without asking me for anything. It began on Sunday with just the little ones. We wouldn't hear from them for a half hour or 45 minutes at a time while they played. (Um, yes, I was checking on them every ten minutes or so through the window or by stepping outside.) With Tyler back home for the last 2 days, the uninterrupted jumping/playing episodes stretched to almost 2 hours at a time. Occasionally one or more of the kids would come inside for a drink, a snack, or one more toy to play with on the beast, but for the most part they were completely occupied. They alternated between putting every ball they could find on the thing while they jumped, jumping with pillow pets as extra cushion and fighting with light sabers while they 'forced' eachother so that they fell on the bouncy surface. I'm telling you - best money ever spent.

Anyway, trampoline aside, I am really kind of getting into this having 'big' boys thing. When Tyler was becoming a truly 'big' boy, I was busy planning a wedding and having another baby. I have loved watching him grow and become more independent, but I was so occupied with the 2 little ones that were dependent on me for everything I don't think I truly appreciated what was happening. Now, though, with the younger two starting to grow out of babyhood and 'little' boy-ness, I am kind of digging the advantages. It's pretty cool to not be needed for every single thing, every single minute of the day.

A few months ago, if you had asked me, I would have told you that I don't 'get' being done having children. Not that I don't understand having a limit or letting your body rest or deciding you don't have enough room, money or sanity for another kid. I understand those things well enough. But, the baby hunger thing - that's a different story. I have always loved babies and even though I know babies don't stay babies forever, I really couldn't see myself ever NOT wanting a baby. I mean, I knew I would be done having babies at some point, I just figured I would always still kind of want one when I saw one - or something kind of like that anyway. I thought I would find a point that I was satisfied with what I had, but would still kind of have this hunger deep down for another baby until I had grandbabies to spoil. When friends would talk about knowing they were done having kids, that their families were complete and that their baby-hunger was gone - I really couldn't see what they meant.

I am kind of starting to get it now though. I think I am half-way in between baby-hunger and being-done. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can see the possibilities of a life without diapers and carrying kids around on my hip and baby-talk and melt-downs. It could be pretty cool. It's getting harder and harder to think about sleepless nights and spit-up as charming bumps to pedal over and easier to consider finally getting rid of the piles of baby clothes and baby gear that are filling up my storage spaces or how nice it would be to not have car seats in my car. Over the holidays, I have loved holding my new baby-relatives, kissing their cheeks, smelling their hair and cuddling with them. I have also loved handing them back to their parents when they were smelly or fussy or when I just wanted a break. When I was falling into bed at 5 a.m. on New Year's morning, I was so happy that it wasn't my 5-month-old that was waking up and crying for a bottle and that I could just go to sleep.

It's pretty awesome that my kids can walk through a store on their own and pick up their toys when they are asked. It's nice that they can talk to me and tell me what's bothering them or what they are thinking about. I like that when my children wake up, they find their way to the bathroom on their own and want to chill out for a while before they eat breakfast instead of me having to change a diaper and make a bottle first thing in the morning. It's cool that they like to play on their own and are figuring out how to do so much more by themselves. They can dress themselves and help put their clothes away and get most things out of the refrigerator on their own. I am kind of digging it.

I'm not there yet. I still want another baby if I get the chance, but I am starting to see that I will have peace if that doesn't happen. And maybe this week is God's way of helping me have that peace. Maybe I am done and I just don't know it yet, but I am finding my way to whatever path He has marked out for me. I have a list of projects I want to start that stretches miles and I can see that having another baby would put a lot of that on hold. It would put me in rewind again. Not that this is a bad thing - I could do with one more rewind. But, I think if it does happen just one more time, I will be done. I'll know it. There won't be any question. And I think that's the first step in knowing the peace and the certainty of being 'done'.

And in the mean time - what will today bring? Tyler's off at school again, so will my little preschoolers remember the strides they made in gaining some more independence over the last two weeks? Or will they revert to asking me for every little thing they can think of? Only time will tell, and thankfully they are still sleeping. Another joy of having big boys - or almost big boys - is having late sleepers! They are still little, and I'll take that as long as I have it, but I sure am looking forward now to the real joy of having 'big' boys.

Thanks and God Bless!