Expected Behaviors . . .

Scooter goes to speech therapy twice a week to work on pragmatic speech. All I ever hear about this time is that he played games and then I get a report once per six weeks that tells me he is making progress, but hasn't mastered anything. It's completely non-helpful as far as parenting goes on all fronts. Mixed in with this hour every week is supposed to be 'socialization' therapy. I was pretty sure they were only covering this by having Scooter sit in the same room with 2 other kids until he told me one day that sometimes they work on 'expected behaviors'.

I'll admit, the term kind of stuck in my noggin. Tyler was shy with hellos, etc. when he was younger, but it was just that - shy. He 'got' it. He didn't question why he needed to say hi in greeting to people, he just was shy about doing it every single time. Scooter, on the other hand, is so unbelievably shy and then on top of it he doesn't 'get' it. But how do you teach a small child the 'why' of this stuff? I would say 'It's rude when you don't answer people' or something similar, but he doesn't really understand what rude is either and honestly, he just doesn't care because he would probably rather be considered rude than have to face someone head on and speak to them in an uncomfortable situation.

So when I heard he was learning 'expected behaviors', I was pretty pumped up and tried to grill my 5 year old on what those behaviors were. Nada. Zilch. Kid would give me nothing. Probably because he knew I would make him put them into practice. Still, I liked having a name for these esoteric things that are standards of behavior in civilized society and that for some kids are just hard. Scooter's by far not the only kid like this - mom and I were just talking about my cousin, B, yesterday and how similar in behavior she and Scooter were. B is now about to be 29 and functions just fine out in normal society, of course. And my aunt didn't have the names and labels to put on this stuff when B was little, she just knew B was picky and shy and drove her crazy when she wouldn't greet people.

Scooter has overcome a lot of his little quirks this year. He's also found coping mechanisms for a whole mess of others so he is functioning quite nicely at school. We really seem to have mastered one of the biggest issues he had left, which was the walking over the threshold thing (it's not even an issue anymore and every day I try to let go of his had about an inch or two closer to the car and further from the door). And then there's the fact that he's still the shyest kid I've ever seen. We were at a party on Saturday night with close friends. He knew about 80% of the guests, but he still spent the first couple hours glued to either my dad or his dad's side or lap. Eventually he got up and played, but I don't think he spoke to anyone except for us and my parents the whole night. This is the kind of thing that can drive you completely bonkers as a parent. Mostly, I don't worry about what other people think anymore and I just tell them 'he's shy' or something similar. That doesn't mean I am not gritting my teeth in frustration though.

When I picked Scooter up one day last week, we walked to the car just ahead of his friend, Noah. Noah is in his class and lives 2 doors down. Scooter has no problem whatsoever talking to Noah at any time, except for just outside the school. Just like with every other kid he knows from class. For some reason he can't make himself respond to them outside the doors of the classroom. Or he doesn't see why he has to. Or maybe, he just doesn't want to. I don't know. It makes me insane. He would not reply to Noah at all that day. I finally said to him 'this is one of those expected behaviors you are supposed to be learning'. I explained AGAIN about greeting people and saying goodbye. I didn't use the word 'rude' and I didn't say 'it's just what you are supposed to do'. I said 'it's an expected behavior to respond to someone when they speak to you, you have to let them know you hear them'.

Somewhere in there, I must have said something that clicked because instead of blowing me off again, Scooter told me that the kids knew he heard them. Well, honey, no they don't. You just keep walking and don't look at them or talk to them or anything so they don't know that you heard them, that's why they keep saying your name over and over and keep getting louder. I used the expected behavior term repeatedly in our conversation and ended up telling him that it was totally okay if he didn't want to say anything back or look them in the eye, but he should at least respond by nodding his head or raising his hand and waving.

Fast forward to Tuesday and the Valentine party. Scooter had a rough one when he discovered that the snack for the party was white ice cream and he only eats mint chocolate chip. I had told him I was coming, but he had forgotten so it overwhelmed him to see me and the ice cream and he just wanted to go home. It was so sweet how all his little friends surrounded him, patted his back and tried to figure out what was wrong while he cried. Riley made up for Scooter and ate two bowls of the ice cream while he sat next to his brother at a table full of girls who literally fawned over my kid the whole time. Those girls really like Scooter. When we were leaving for the day, one of them kept saying 'Bye Scott' to him over and over and over and over again, getting louder with each iteration. He would not respond. I was saying 'Christine is talking to you, let her know you hear her', etc. but to no avail. I sighed in frustration and mentioned the expected behavior thing again, maybe this won't work either. Urgh. We walked outside and across the school yard. Someone else yelled out 'Bye Scott!' and suddenly Scooter stopped, turned around and quickly jerked his hand up in a short wave to the person. Then we continued our walk.

Imagine heavens opening up, the brightest white light focused on our little mini van and Angels singing in loud chorus 'Alleluia, Alleluia!'! That's about how I felt. I know he's got a long way to go, but he's figuring it out. An aide asked me at the party if Scooter was as quiet at home as he is at school and I told her absolutely not, he's a chatterbox. It's hard to get him to stop talking some days. Then again, that's how I was back then too (My mother also). My Grandmother often spoke of how shy my dad was and how he clung to her and wouldn't talk to anyone. Granted, Dad's still pretty quiet, but mom and I can talk to anyone, anywhere. There is hope for this little guy yet.

Working on this stuff with Scooter has made me start thinking about a lot of 'expected behaviors' in our lives as adults. I know quite a few people that think they have the stuff mastered and still screw up constantly which is what tends to annoy the rest of us, and I am sure you do too. But I also have been thinking about how we establish these behaviors within the confines of our relationships. We set boundaries (or we don't) in every single relationship we have and those boundaries or non-boundaries produce an unspoken set of expected behaviors. When the behaviors cross the boundaries or we suddenly realize we didn't set one in the first place, we have to reiterate, reestablish and reenforce some boundaries.

I've gotten a lot better about the boundary thing in recent years in so many places in my life, but I realized recently that I have one very toxic relationship that needs some work. It's one of those that looks extremely functional and good on the surface, but is warped and confused underneath with boundaries that have shifted and become blurred and in some cases are almost nonexistent. I promise it's not my marriage, people, breathe easy. It is a friendship in crisis though, one that is going to require quite a bit of work to salvage. And I know that I will have to be the one to start mending my fences, gently reestablishing boundaries and reiterating what is a good expected behavior and what is not. My laziness has caused most of the problems and so it is my job to correct my own behavior first, before I ask for changes on the other side of this relationship. (If you are reading me today, it isn't you either so relax! That would be a very bad not-expected behavior thing, touting our issues like that don't you think?) Anyway - if Scooter can work so hard on all his challenges and insecurities, I certainly can too, right?

Oh boy - this is going to be a lot of work! Pray for me friend, I am going to need all the help I can get!

Love and God Bless!