Wow, I am so glad I am not the kind of person who sets New Year Resolutions like 'I will blog at least twice per week'. I know people who have done that and it worked, but if I had made such a bold pronouncement I would be failing miserably in fulfilling the promise to myself. What I am trying to do is put more into the posts I do have time for and I have to say I really liked my last post. It's the kind of thing I envisioned when I started blogging and I rarely deliver. Hah! Anyway, I was very self-satisfied with my last post about the things I learned from my kids. Pretty good stuff, right? Except that I was so PROUD, I didn't follow up which kind of defeats the purpose. Sin of Pride, Pride cometh before the fall . . . yadda, yadda, yadda. Anyway, that post actually materialized out of nowhere, but it got me thinking a lot more about what I learn from my children. And at the end of the day, that's what blogging does for me. It helps me record where my children are and then reflect on how I parent and where I can make improvements. I want it to be a love letter to my children that they can read someday and see where I was coming from as I raised them with all my faults laid bare. Or - it'll be great fodder for their therapy sessions. We'll see.
You have heard, like me, that every child has a different set of parents, even if they are raised in the same house. I find this to be true in my life, no matter how fair or consistent I try to be in my parenting style. It doesn't matter what I do, Scooter gets a more relaxed me than Tyler had at the same age and Riley is allowed to do more at an earlier age because he is following his two older brothers. Also, even though our basic ideals and values never change, our vision and plan changes all the time. We know the kind of men we want to see in front of us in 15 years, but the plan to get there changes as our lives change and also as we see what does and does not work. So, we are individual to each child because of their birth order and our life focus and our circumstances and because we learn from our mistakes along the way and try to improve.
The factor that doesn't get as much play when people talk about this stuff is the kids themselves. Our kids have very different personalities from each other. Even though there are common threads that run through our family and similarities between brother and brother or mother and son, each one is unique. Each child is special in their own way. And what I am starting to realize is that the type of mom I am over all and individually to my children has formed in some ways in response to the personalities in my home. My core values don't change, but the way I implement the teaching of them shifts with the emerging individuals that I live with every day.
It's very easy to fall into the 'I would' or 'I wouldn't' trap when we see how others are parenting their children around us. It's also easy for us to look at other people's kids and wish that ours emulated a certain behavior. For example, I have often thought I was doing something wrong as a mom because I would see other kids greeting adults and talking freely to them and I couldn't get mine to do the same and I would WISH that they would or that I could figure out how to get them to do something like that. It's much more difficult to remember that you are not parenting that child over there. That child might respond differently than your munchkin to the same things you are doing at home. And that mom is looking at you and your kids and wishing that their child would do something you have accomplished without even thinking about it. It turns out Tyler and Scooter are just shy kids. Tyler has worked very hard to overcome his bashfulness and will greet people appropriately now, but he is still quiet about it and embarrasses easily. I have either gotten way better at this or Riley is just the most outgoing of my children - he will hug someone he just met with prompting from me when it's time to leave. I'm going to give the credit to Riley, he's just not shy.
What kind of parent has your child or your children made you? I've been mulling this over for a couple of weeks and I decided to try and think about what the big things are that my kids are teaching me about being a mom.
TYLER - Somehow, I have this kid fooled into thinking I am the bomb. He thinks I am the best at everything. I didn't consciously try and teach him this, it just sorta kinda happened. I don't know if it's a birth order thing or if it's just his personality, but Tyler expects the best of himself and everyone around him, even while being the most forgiving person of falling short of perfection. Forgiving of everyone, but me and himself that is. He's very hard on himself, despairing of his faults and shortcomings and sometimes hard to encourage because of his own high ideals. And the highest ideals he holds are for both who he wants to be and who he thinks I already am. Tyler just assumes that I am good, great or better than the rest. So, when I am not (which is pretty much daily), I disappoint him. Wow, I hate to disappoint him. I don't mean disappoint in the 'No, you can't have that candy before dinner' way, but in the 'Well, I know that I am teaching you to be honest and I try to be as honest as I can, but at the same time I found it necessary to tell this little white lie so I didn't hurt someone's feelings' way. The look on that kids face when he realizes that I am not perfect is just so very, very sad. I hate it! I don't want to see that face because of something I have done or said. I find with Tyler, honesty and respect go a very long way. He might be disappointed in me when I don't live up to his expectations, but when I take the time to admit to him I am wrong he is always ready to listen. I find myself explaining my actions, admitting my faults and talking about ways I am trying to be better way more than I ever thought I would as a parent. I am definitely not able to be a 'Do as I say, not as I do' parent with Tyler. He is watching too closely and he harbors almost impossible ideals for me as a mom. There are still a lot of times that I have to put my foot down and tell him to butt out (so to speak) or that I will explain something better when he's older and wiser. But for the most part . . .
Tyler makes me want to be a better person. He has ideals for me that I could never live up to, but make me raise the expectations I have for myself. He assumes that I will be perfect until I mess up which makes me want to strive for perfection more. He is not afraid to show me when he is disappointed in me which makes me want to both be better and be more willing to admit my failings. Tyler helps me to be a more honest parent, more communicative and more compassionate. He helps me realize how much grace there is in my life and teaches me to extend that grace to my children.
SCOOTER - I often have to remind myself to 'let Scooter be Scooter' and sometimes I have to remind others to do that too. I always found Tyler to be sensitive, shy, and gentle, but Scooter is even more sensitive, painfully shy and the gentlest of souls. He's my 'warm-up' kid and that is true in every, single facet of his life. Once he is finally ready for something, he will usually go all out, but he has to get there first. I kind of like to go full force and full speed on just about everything I tackle, but Scooter doesn't work that way. Everything takes longer with my little scooter-rooter-pooter. Tyler would and does often expect a detailed explanation of things so that he can grasp it logically, but I find myself spending even more time with Scooter helping him to understand things on an emotional level. He needs to take his time, forcing me to slow down. I admit that there are times the painful slowness of it all makes me want to cry in frustration, however . . .
Scooter makes me a more patient and understanding person. It's not a bad thing to slow down and take things one teensy weensy step at a time. It can be helpful to talk through the way things make you feel and why you like or don't like them. Scooter just can't function when things feel too far out of his control or are moving too fast for him to get a handle on. He is going to shut down if I don't take the time to prep him, let him adjust and be ready for what is coming. I cultivate patience every, single day being a mom to Scooter. Patience is something that I have never had in copious supply and will probably never have enough of, but I am working on it. Raising Scooter helps me be more patient with all of my kids and also helps me to develop more empathy. Trying to understand what makes him tick and how he is feeling helps me break things down with the other kids and in my relationships with my husband and family as well. Learning more understanding and patience through Scooter helps me be a better mom, daughter, sister and friend.
RILEY - This kid is going to give me more grey hairs than the other two combined. However, he's probably going to give me more laugh lines too. I've been joking lately that with his 4th birthday only a few weeks away, I won't be able to blame his behavior on being 3 anymore, we'll have to face it all head on. Challenging - that's Riley. He's got a stubborn streak a mile wide, he will hold a grudge for hours, days, weeks or months if it suits him. He doesn't forget a fault. He can be the most helpful, sweet and endearing child one minute and then the next put his foot down and refuse to do the most simple task, like throw a wrapper away. But Riley can put the absolute biggest smile on your face if you let him. He can be compliant and funny and loving. He is the biggest kisser/hugger/cuddler I have and he loves to tell a story. He'll explain everything that happened somewhere in excruciating detail, multiple times and he doesn't care if someone else is trying to talk at the same time or if he told it 50 times before. (Okay, I am dying here and you are laughing too if you knew my late father-in-law! Cut from the same cloth! How many times did YOU hear the 7-11 story?) He is extremely determined, insisting on trying something on his own over and over and over again until he gets it right. I've always been a fairly flexible parent, providing boundaries and letting them move as needed. Maybe you would call me lax or lazy, but it works for my two older kids. When I put my foot down and mean something, they get it - they know I mean business. They also know where the give is and where they have room to negotiate. Riley, not so much. Give Riley an inch and he'll take a mile. It's enough to make me crazy, but . . .
Riley teaches me to be more consistent and firm. Ooohhhh, all that patience I am learning from Scooter is going to come in handy with Riley, that's for sure. I am starting to get that with Riley the boundaries I set have to be a whole lot firmer. He is going to have to know where I stand at all times. And he's also forcing Scott and I to get on the same page a lot more. The flexible thing has worked well for us because we had some pretty hard and fast rules for the basics, but the rest was all movable based on circumstance. Not so much with this munchkin. We find ourselves communicating more about where the line has to be and what the consequences are for crossing it. Consistency is something we will all benefit from, but it sure isn't fun. It's harder for Scott and I to be consistent in everything we say and do, but it will provide a more solid foundation for all of our kids. We know we have to give Riley room to breathe, but we also know if we aren't careful he'll walk all over us when we are too flexible. All this consistency in rules and behavior bleeds over to the rest of our lives and helps us keep a better schedule, be more fair to all the kids and teach them to have higher standards of behavior (even at home when no one is looking). Over all, learning consistency will help me be more patient, understanding, firm and a better person all around.
Isn't the continuity beautiful? God doesn't make mistakes. He gave me my kids for a reason and he gave me as a mother to these souls for a reason too. The lessons are mostly hard for me to learn, but the benefits are amazing. I am a work in progress, which helps me to remember that my kids are too. God grants me grace, which helps me grant it to my children. I learn something new every day, and I get to learn it by spending time with these three amazing boys. How awesome.
Fast forward a couple dozen years and I can almost see my kids reaction to this post. Tyler will remember the teenage years he barreled through (that we haven't touched yet) and won't remember thinking I am this awesome when he was a kid. He'll wonder what crazy pill I took today, but as an adult he'll have figured out I wasn't that bad. Scooter will have worked through all his insecurities and shyness and like his dad won't remember ever having been so cautious or quiet. Riley might laugh and remember all the hell he put me through and then give me yet another hug and kiss and cuddle. At least, that's how I think it might go, or hope it does anyway.
Thanks and God Bless!
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