The Power of '3' . . .

Oh, how I've been craving the keyboard this week. All week long I have wanted to write and had so many things to write about and yet I just couldn't get here. I couldn't find five minutes to sit, much less an hour to compose thoughts and words and coherent sentences. I had so many things I wanted to share and expound on:

- The sweet old woman who spoke briefly at MOPS on Monday and who told us to remember in our craziest moments that our children were precious. That sounded good at 10 am while the kids were away from me in classrooms, but at 6 pm when I was exhausted by the endless 'Momma I need this, want that, Can you, Can I, and please do's' of a very long day it sounded like a fairy tale I might never believe in. I told Scott that I'm sure when I'm 80 I'll think all children are precious too, but I'm also pretty sure that when that woman was in my place with her 6 (not joking) children she wasn't really thinking how precious they were during temper tantrums either.

- St. Nick visited our house on Monday morning and filled the kids stockings (this is because I am a yankee and German and it has always confused my Texan friends, but it's just what we do). Tyler was up and ready for school and either wanted to wake his brothers early (soooo not an option) or wait for the end of the day so that he could open his stocking with his brothers. I thought it would be impossible to make the kids wait all day so I convinced him to go ahead without them. He did, but then put everything back so he could do it again with them after school. When Scooter got up later and saw the stockings he started to go get Riley to come open the goodies and then stopped and turned to me and said 'Shouldn't we wait for Tyler?'. Tyler said later, 'Mom, it's not about what's in the presents, it's about doing it together as a family'. Well, bust my buttons, something I said a million times actually sunk in with my kids. How awesome are they?

- Tyler won a big math contest at school this week. It was an online quiz he does every year and it's pretty difficult. We found out that he was the only 5th grader out of over 100 that entered from his school to answer all the questions correctly. I went to the assembly yesterday to see his reaction when he found out and receive the coolest Globe I've ever seen. It's a time zone globe with a light inside that shows where the Sun is lighting the world at all times. It's set for date and time so all the rotations and angles, etc. are replicas of what the real world is doing at this moment. Pretty darn awesome if you ask me. So proud of Tyler and thrilled that he got this confidence boost at the end of a long first semester. All day people kept saying 'so-and-so didn't get those right and you did? I guess maybe he ISN'T the smartest kid in the grade after all'. Finally getting through to my kid that there isn't ONE smartest kid, etc.

- I am not getting along with my 15 month old Boxer puppy. He has reached a point of maturity that evidently has resulted in him thinking that he should be dominant over me, a mere female, instead of the other way around. He listens to Scott and even to Tyler, but he is blatantly ignoring me, and is exhibiting behaviors that may very well find him in a grave before next week if he doesn't shape up. I even resorted to wrestling the 80 pound monster to the ground and pinning him with his neck, then putting my neck over his and growling at him the other night to show him who really is boss. I am sure it was very entertaining to watch, but it did work a little bit. Watch for more posts on this beast because I am absolutely certain that we are going to have a serious battle of wills over the next weeks. And if he doesn't give way, he's going to find himself 'snipped' before he has a chance to be bred. I WILL prevail.

I couldn't find the time to sit down and tell you all of these things because life is crazy and this week was super crazy. Yes, my schedule was hectic. Yes, I got a lot of stuff taken care of that needed to be done. Yes, I baked for Christmas. All of those things certainly contributed. But, the real reason I couldn't take time for myself and write this week was the 3 year old who is at this moment sleeping soundly in his bed (hopefully for at least another hour).

Three year olds are cute. Adorable. At three, they really blossom. They do cute stuff, say cute stuff, and ask cute stuff. The little personalities that have been playing peek-a-boo with you for the first couple of years begin to show themselves more every day and you get some serious glimpses into the person that they are going to be. They are inquisitive and experimental. If you haven't got potty training done before now, you are finally going to see a future without diapers in it. They try so hard all day to be 'big', but at the end of the day they are still sweet and cuddly and adorable and they still have enough 'baby' to still be your baby. It's hard to stay mad at a 3 year old for long, because they can turn back into super sweet, charming and just downright (okay, I'll say it) precious in a heartbeat. It's hard to be in a room with a 3 year old and not smile because they are trying so hard to figure out their world and their place in it that their antics are often hysterical.

I am fairly certain that this is God's plan. He made 3 year olds adorable and funny and sweet for a reason. He had to. If God hadn't made 3 year olds so darn cute, very few children would survive until their 4th birthday.

Because 3 year olds are tough! They can be friggin nasty. While they are doing all this stretching and growing and figuring things out, they are pushing every single boundary around them. They are striving for independence and while they do it they can be super awful. Say what you will about the terrible two's, but I've always thought 3 was worse. Two year olds have melt downs and temper tantrums (okay, I have a 10 yr old in the house and I still haven't found an age that DOESN'T include these occasionally), but they are also still easily redirected and soothed and they move on and forget fairly quickly. As kids reach 3, their language skills are developing at an alarmingly fast rate. Complete sentences that are funny and cute one minute, turn into aggressive attacks and not-so-nice attitudes the next. Their long term memories start to develop more fully and you won't get away with redirects as often. And lo and behold - logic rears it's ugly head. Not that it's a rational logic, but it makes sense to the 3 yr old in your home. They want a reason for everything and they HAVE a reason for everything, even if it doesn't make sense to you. Temper tantrums are slowly turning into arguments, but they aren't logical arguments you can actually win.

It's a power struggle, and it's a tough one. You've spent the last couple of years teaching your child how to pick up their toys, how to share, how to take turns, how to speak, eat, walk, talk, everything. And you've tried to teach them to obey. And even though it's been somewhat challenging to teach these little toddlers to listen to you, for the most part they do listen to you because they don't know differently. Then they hit 3 and it's like this giant lightbulb goes on in their head and they think 'But WHY do I have to listen and obey? Can they really make me do that? Let's just find out, shall we?' And the battle begins. The battle of your will vs. their will. You know, like getting the laundry done and food on the table wasn't hard enough, now you have a daily power struggle with an irrational tyrant that wants to be heard and adhered to. And the truth of the matter is, you really can't force them to do what you want, but you don't want them to know that you can't force them, you just want them to do it and do it now.

I mentioned to you briefly once before that when Tyler was 3 I once took him to school naked. This is true. I'm not a tyrant, but Tyler had never really been a problem before. We had issues, of course, but for the most part he was about as easy as you could hope for as a toddler. At 3 he had moments that he pushed me to the limits of sanity, just like every other 3 year old. Then when he was about 3 1/2, he was pushing so hard at his boundaries that he had resorted to occasionally hitting me and biting me when he was frustrated. After a few weeks of this, he decided that if he didn't let me get him dressed, we wouldn't have to leave the house and go to school, work, etc. We were living with my parents, but they were out of town just before Thanksgiving when one morning after literally trying to wrestle Tyler into his clothes and after finally getting them on, he ran from me and tore them all off again. I was going to be late for work, so without thinking I just scooped him up naked and put him in the car. In November. In the cold. In a car seat with a 5 point harness and a cold belt buckle between his legs.

Tyler screamed and cried and spent the entire ride telling me how mean I was, how unfair I was and how much he didn't like me anymore. When we were about 3 blocks from the school he suddenly got quiet and told me he was ready to get dressed now. I said 'Good. We're almost there and we'll get dressed.' He started howling all over again because he wanted to go all the way back home to get dressed, which I did not have time to do and also didn't want to do. When I parked at school I tried to put his clothes on him in the car, but he started wriggling around again and screaming so I picked him up naked and started to carry him in the door. He finally, finally, finally got that I was serious and decided he could be dressed in the car. I dropped him off and was reassured by the front desk staff that they had seen any number of kids be brought to day care in various states of undress because of temper tantrums. When I couldn't reach my mom or Aunt Kaye on the way to work, I called my Grandma in her nursing home crying, hoping I had done the right thing and worried I would be the cause of Tyler's future nightmares about going to school without clothes on. After Grandma finished laughing, she told me she was proud of me, that I had done the right thing and Tyler wouldn't be hurt by the experience, only helped. Man, I miss my Grandma's.

At the time, I didn't realize what a big deal this was. I was just tired and frustrated and done with the struggle. I just wanted to get to work on time and drop my kid off at day care so that someone else could deal with him (of course they loved him and he never gave them a bit of trouble). But, it was huge. I had won a MAJOR power struggle with Tyler that day without knowing it. I never once had a problem getting him dressed after that day. But, more than this small victory, dealing with a 3 year old was downhill after that episode. Yes, he still pushed his limits and yes, we still had struggles, but it was never that bad again. The hitting and biting stopped. Tyler recognized that I was his authority and I had some super strong confidence in my own parenting abilities and in my own strength as the Mom.

When Scooter was 3 and pushing every single button I had, I kept waiting for 'that moment'. The moment that he would push so hard I would have to do something drastic to make my point. It never came. He was just annoying enough to make me crazy, but he never pushed me as far as Tyler had that day. Maybe I was just better the second time around at fighting the smaller battles. You know, putting him back in time-out 100 times until he stayed put, putting him back in bed 500 times so that he got it really was bedtime, refusing to cave to whining, crying and yelling when he wanted something. Or maybe Scooter just didn't need what Tyler needed which was a huge wake up call to mom's authority. I do know that I caved more on the little stuff with Scooter than I did with Tyler because I also had a 2 year old in the house who was throwing the irrational temper tantrums so common at that age and you can only fight so many battles in one day. I still wish I had gotten that moment though, especially when Scooter says 'I'm just going to do what I want to do' and I know he doesn't always see me as the Boss.

Which brings me to Riley. Oh my, this is going to be a very long year. I didn't have to wait long for a moment with Riley. In fact, I might be faced with 3 of those moments with Riley per day for the next 11 months. The little battles with Riley aren't little, they are pretty big. And he doesn't really care the same way Tyler did so if I put him in the car naked he would probably decide that's the way he wanted it anyway and it wouldn't make the same point. He is soooo much like my late father-in-law that I have started calling him 'Big Scott in a little package': Super charming and adorable with an enormous stubborn streak; All the best and worst things about our beloved Papa who we miss dearly. I was pregnant with Riley when he died and sometimes wonder if a huge part of him is reincarnated in my small son. Of course, he takes after Scott and I quite a bit too. And I am also convinced that I might not have the energy for this since I literally just finished the 3 yr old thing with Scooter. They are only 19 months apart and Riley kind of started his 3 yr old rant a bit early while Scooter's lasted a bit past turning 4.

Every day is a power struggle with Riley. Yesterday resulted in 4 major battles with him ranging from 'Yes, you ARE going to pick up your toys' to 'No, you ARE NOT going to hit mama just because you are mad' with a few random 'That is NOT acceptable behavior' incidents in between. I have locked my pantry because Riley will not accept that the Christmas cookies I have baked are not a buffet to be eaten at will all day long. When he didn't want to leave his Grandma Barrow's on Thursday morning he went off in a corner to pee his pants on purpose to get back at me for even mentioning that we were going to go in 15 minutes. Speaking of peeing, when I was on the phone with my sister last week and I didn't come running to pour his milk the very second he wanted it, he opened the back door and peed out onto the porch in front of me because he knew that was against the rules. Riley hits, kicks and throws things when he is mad, mostly at me. Time-outs rarely have any kind of effect on him and I have spanked his bare hiney more than once without any visible reaction on his part so I am not sure what I am going to do to discipline this child and get through to him. My mother-in-law cheerfully informed me that I sounded just like Honey (that's my hubby's Grandmother, Big Scott's mother) when she was talking about her Scott as a child. Hmmm. Not very reassuring. However, when we had gotten Riley successfully in the car with his big pouty face despite his protests, she also said 'I'm not sure how you ended up with the kid like Scott, Heather'. Me either. I'm not sure that's fair - it should have been one of my sisters-in-law, but, oh well.

Honestly, I love Riley more than I could ever tell you. He's smart and funny and extremely charming. He is the most snuggly kid I've ever been around and his deep belly laugh is super contagious. Most of the time, he's pretty easy going and if properly channeled his determination and stubborn nature can someday prove effective tools in success at whatever he tries. I watched him riding his bike the other day, trying to go up an incline of a driveway across the cul de sac without a running start. He kept getting stuck at an odd angle that would result in him frantically pedaling away and getting nowhere while one wheel spun through the air with no friction to push him up the hill. He kept climbing off the bike, backing up 2 feet and starting the process all over again. The other two would have called for me to help. They would have expected and wanted my aid, but not Riley. After 15 minutes, I called out 'Do you need some help Riley?' to which he answered 'No' and kept plugging away. He eventually got his problem figured out, backed up an extra couple feet and made it up the driveway and on to the sidewalk. He never cried about it or got frustrated or gave up, he just worked at what he wanted to do until he got the result he wanted to see. And that's my Riley. He might make me completely insane for the next year (or the next 20), but it's going to be so much fun to watch. I just have to survive the power of '3' first!

Thanks and God Bless!